Who Have I Become

In three years my body and mind have started to age. My body is started to ache, my face bares a few wrinkles and I'm started to feel exhausted.

Over the past three years, my first baby has turned into a soon to be kindergardener and I now have a handsome son. I'm a full-time career woman, artist by evening and some how holding it together and keeping a clean house about 60% of the time. It's tough. There are not enough hours in the day to accomplish everything I want to do. So instead I focus on the things I'm responsible for like my two kids (age 1 and age 4) and spend the extra time creating. The pleasures of going out and working out at the gym are non existent and faint memories in my past. 

Instead I try and paint each day. My artistic skills are improving and I can see that my persistence at getting better is paying off. My artwork sales are often, I am booked out with commission for the next three months and I've been able to invest my art sales back into my business with prints and technology.  

I've been taking giant steps for myself to get my business off and running with a solid foundation. I'm learning as I go and trying to be patient; however, the rush of what I know I can become easily makes me want to dive into this success full-time. 

I'm going to try and document my progress on this blog. THIS BLOG the one I started 10 years ago in college to keep me focused on my goals and accomplishments. 

Wish me luck! 

"Terminal". 20x20". Acrylic On Canvas.
A recent work depicting how quickly life can fly by.

Do I love myself enough to take the proper actions needed for my own happiness?

Do I love myself enough to take the proper actions needed for my own happiness? I would love to say, “YES”; however, that would mean leaving the company I have worked for the past 7 years and trying to find alternative ways to pay the bills. In addition, having to deal with my husband and family judging me for leaving a successful career in exchange for my own selfish desires-painting. Being responsible isn’t easy! I’m trapped. Stuck giving the best years and hours of my life to a company. Working for someone else’s goals and throwing my own to the curb! I can’t escape the ideas and visions I have all the time to paint. I can’t continue putting off my desires to dance, sing, sleep, love and express myself! I have one life to live-why does this life have to be wasted working for someone else? I need a plan. I need strength. I need to make a change.

Precious Daughter to Be

A baby to be, a daughter to be, a girl that looks just like me! My body is changing, my mind is racing, my tummy is growing and inside I feel little movements that remind me that I'm not alone. I have someone precious to hold, protect, nurture and love. My little girl is not a princess, she is a beautiful gift, a girl who will make a difference in the world in her own unique way. She hasn't seen the world; however, I tell her about it. I sing to her in the car and have to remind myself to turn down the music a bit because she has tiny ears. I pray for her future and pray that her daddy and I can provide a safe and abundant upbringing. I look forward to the day I can hear her cry, count her toes, feel her hand grasp my finger, and look into her eyes and see how majestic the world is. I plan to raise her to be daring, to have a voice, respectful of others, a lover of animals and nature. If she is anything like me, she'll be curious of the world. I love my precious daughter to be, my baby girl, my little me!

Becoming a Cowgirl



I’m officially a Mrs! I married a country boy and my life is transforming into almost everything I’ve ever wanted it to be. Within the past year I bought several acres of land and Brian and I have been clearing it to build our future forever home.

This past week we purchased five beef cattle (4 heifers and 1 bull). It’s exciting to own cattle and to become a rancher. So many things for Brian and I to learn together.

I keep thinking about my future children and how wonderful of a life I want to provide for them. I want them to be raised in the country, to know what family means, to explore nature, hunt with their father, love their state and grow up to become good family men and women. Life is about to begin. I’m so glad I moved to Texas! I love being in the country and just being me. No makeup, hair products, fancy clothes. Just hardwork, a baseball cap, some holey jeans, old clothes and my husband by my side.

Facebook & You

Below is a poem I wrote while at work after realizing that an exboyfriend from my past was married. Sometimes I go on Facebook because I long for you It's the only place I can turn to To feel close to you It’s a place I can go to to view our old photos and feel as if you are mine again Reminense about the past and retrace the lines of your face again It’s the only place in which I can be honest with myself about my feelings I can’t pick up the phone and say, “How do you do?” or come racing over in the middle of the night because I can’t go on without you Today I went on facebook searching for you I wanted to know what was new or that I was on your mind However, my heart jolted and I began to choke when I discovered you were married to someone new An agonizing knot grew within my throat My heart skipped a beat My eyes filled with brief tears and for a short while I sulked My brain went a blunder and in that moment I felt crushed I don’t know why my mind holds onto you I guess I’m realizing that the hardest part about letting go is realizing that there wasn’t much for me to hold on to from the beginning. That what we were and what I wanted us to be was never so I feel like my day is starting to crumble, That the universe is about to crush me that my heart is about to explode I wish I could just kiss you and tell you the I love you and beg for you to never let me go. Today I went on facebook and decided to block you Erased all of our photos and decided to let go.

Career Uncertainty

MENTAL CHECKUP: How am I? I’m unstable is my conclusion! One moment I’m up and the world is great the next it’s about to come crumbling down and I hate myself. Ugh! Mean people suck! The part of my life where I spend between 38-50 hours a week at, my career, sucks and it's bringing me down. I feel undeveloped, bullied, stressed out and uncertain about what I want to do within my career. I’m a victim to bullying within the workplace and I can’t take it anymore! Taking the high road or the submissive role isn’t working for me anymore with the team I work with. I dread coming into work and I resent the people I work with who have tried to destroy me over the past year. I need to get out. I need to find a career and an environment that gives me a purpose yet pays the bills each month. I’m so scared to leave the comfort of my career. I’m scared that once I leave that the next job will be worse, or I’ll be paid less or that I won’t be able to provide the lifestyle I want for my future kids and husband. Oh Lord please help me! Help me to use my talents to change the world and provide me with an avenue to do just that.

I Do!

I'M ENGAGED! I said 'YES' and he's a Texan! I've been a busy lady since I moved to Texas. I was lonely and lost when I first moved to San Antonio, TX; however, I kept praying for the Lord to send me a man with a great family and a similar outlook on life as I do. God sure did answer my prayers!

Not only is he goofy, adoring, affectionate and easy on the eyes, his family is wonderful! We now live in a cozy home, have two amazing puppies (Auggie & Willow) and we support one another physically and emotionally.

I've struggled within my career trying to find my place within the corporate political world of egos; however, I'm starting to realize that climbing the corporate ladder isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

Below are some photos from over the past year!

Fishing on the Texas coast in Corpus Cristi

Auggie & Willow

Brian & I

Minutes after Brian proposed to me on horseback!

Never Temporary, Permanent

The following poem was wrote  on 6/15/2010. I miss writing poetry and realize I should continue and start sharing my inner thoughts and poems with the world. This poem was about a man I dated briefly in college and could not seem to get over.

I plan to create music going forth with my poetry. Thank you for reading!


My love is permanent, never temporary
Once etched deep into my heart,
I am unable to remove it no matter how hard I rub
No matter how I try to move on.
You always seem to linger in my mind



There is a yearning within my soul
A wound that I am unable to stitch closed
A scab that seems to never mend
For its healing kiss is no where to be found


Thoughts of you torment me each day
I can’t have you, but I want you
It drives me mad
If only I could stop this pain
Destroy this intense desire


Why do I have to be a hopeless believer?
I can’t seem to douse this spark
I’ve tried to smolder the flame
But it continues to glow
Holding onto hope that one day it will burst into a furious fire
If only I could have you back
If only we could love without holding back
Gosh this love kills me

Why did I have to love you?
Why do I allow you to paralyze me?
Thoughts of you tug so strongly on my mind
You haunt my dreams
You’re my spirits guilty pleasure
An anchor that refuses to release me

Lose Yourself to Find Yourself

Today I started the official countdown till my big move to Texas. I have 29 amazing days left to live in Wisconsin!!

My time is now limited, but the opportunities that lie ahead for me are limitless. What I’m looking forward to the most is: losing myself. It might sound odd, but through traveling I have learned to be confident in who I am. I have become aware of my strengths and become well aware of my weaknesses. Let’s just say, I have no real sense of navigational direction and I now put my trust in the faithful Garmin!

I grew up in a family where my parents didn’t take us outside of the county limits much. Likely because my siblings and I weren’t little angels and because raising 5 children on a middle-class salary didn’t leave much money for family vacations. When I would encounter places outside of the bubble I lived in, I felt awkward and scared. I depended upon material possessions and people I knew to define who I was.

After experiencing new places and being away from the familiar I lost myself. At first it was frightening, but with time it became liberating! Through losing myself, I have found myself. The person I have found isn’t defined by her possessions, rather by her character, integrity, creativity and faith.

I encourage you to lose yourself, take a risk, take a chance, and POP the bubble you live in.

Single Gal in the City: SAT Here I Come

I've been wanting to embark on a new chapter in my life and I have seized the perfect opportunity! I am going to be a corporate trainer in San Antonio, Texas. Yeeehaaaw!  I am thrilled for the new career opportunity, warmer weather and change of venue.

I've decided to start anew. I'm taking myself, Beast (my cat) and only the belongings that will fit in my vehicle. Everything else must go!

The desire of moving away to a far away city for the past few years is finally happening! 6 weeks till the official move.

Half Way to 52

Wow! I'll soon be 26 and that means I will pass the life period of being categorized as 'young'. 26 years-old  of age means I'm half way to 52, too old to be naive, too young to be ancient, yet ready to embrace the prime of my life. When I think about all of the opportunity that is set before me, I feel anxious and lucky!

I'm educated, have a foundation for a career, no kids, hobbies and the ability to financially do whatever I set my mind to. Now is the time to set out and conquer my solo missions. If I meet someone along the way that enjoys the path I have chosen, he's welcome to join. If not, I'm happy to conquer my life conquests on my own knowing that I'm learning more about myself and becoming a better partner.

Last year I set out to travel around the United States. This year I plan to travel around the United States and the world. The following year, I plan to settle down in an area I see a career and opportuity to grow a family. I'm excited for my next chapter in life! Bring it on!!!

With Age Comes Wisdom

Below is some advice from an elderly woman, Maya Angelou, who was interviewed by Oprah about growing older. On television, she said it was 'exciting...' Regarding body changes she said there were many, occurring every day and that her breasts ‘seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist first!
Maya Angelou also said this:

'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'

'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back...'

'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.'

'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug or just a friendly pat on the back...'

'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.'

'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'

Maya Angelou

Less Talk & More Action

Life is too short to be miserable. Get off your behind and start living! Want to travel and see the world? Want to lose some weight? Want to be happy? Want to find the love of your life? Want to let go of all the crap that holds you back in life? Then do it! “Less talk and more action” should be everyone’s 2012 resolution.

Last year, I set a goal of 5 trips around the United States and at first I thought that goal would be near impossible, but then as I was traveling I realized it was attainable. I wasn’t financially strained or stressed because I made it a priority in my life.

In 2012, I plan to travel someplace new every two months. 2 of the 6 trips will be outside of the country. I have one life to live and I’m going to see the world! I’m sick of people saying they wish they could do something, be something or see something and then they never do it. That’s just useless energy.

We aren’t getting any younger so utilize your youth, talents and the gifts given and make things happen. The past is the past. Today there is an opportunity. The future is uncertain; however, when the future is here I plan to look back upon my life and know I accomplished having a life filled with adventure, joy and a few good scares to tell the stories.

Next stop Denver, Colorado for some snowboarding in the mountains. What do you want to do? Do it today!

Dreaming Big

If you would of asked me a year and a half ago if I would ever put my knack for art to use, I would of told you, ''Likely never.'' I have come far from that mentality and can now proudly say, "I am an established artist!"

Thank God I ran past a thrown out artist table. Thank God I went through a rough break-up and thank God I got sick from my Ulcerative Colitis. If these three events wouldn't of happened in 2010, I would of never fostered my talent for painting.

I set out this year to paint one picture each month, to showcase my work to the public and to start a fan site. The reaction from my friends, family and fans has exceeded my expectations! I am ecstatic to see what wonderful opportunities lie ahead for my work.

I think everyone has a talent or desire to do something big in their lives and I hope that my story will inspire others to take a chance on their potential. We only get one life to live and I sure as hell don't want to look back on it with regrets and wondering 'What if?'

Photo Courtesy of Dean's Photography

My life is not perfect and it's not always glamours, but it's vibrant, positive and all mine. The passion for creating art has been ignited. Thank you for reading this. I hope I can share a portion of my joy with you.

Girls' Getaway

Singing till your vocal chords hurt, laughing till you cry, screaming because you can, snorting while you laugh, sharing random thoughts, acting strange in public, being a little over-the-top and embracing the beautiful female you are is exactly why every woman needs to sometimes grab a close girlfriend and get the hell out of town!

In 4 hours one of my closest friends and I will be doing all of the above. In addition, acting at times very not so 'lady like' and taking plenty of photos that will likely never see the light of Facebook.

I have enough outfits, bathroom supplies and entertainment crap in my car to keep two women looking and feeling good for a month; however, we're only leaving for 4 days. Gosh how we women always over pack and will still realize that we've forgotten some necessary item.

Our destination is Nashville, TN. We have no set agenda, obligations or hotel accommodations. The only requirement is fun, excitement, cowgirl boots, cowgirl hats on after we cross the Illinois border and that we keep the trip affordable.

I'm excited and I know, that when I'm older, I will look back upon this experience and miss being young and free. Free from the attachments that my 20 something life yearns for.

A Purpose

My cousin, Eugene Selje, passed away Thursday night from a heart attack. He contracted HIV a number of years ago and the virus was very aggressive to his body over the past year. He told my Aunt that he felt he had no purpose in life. When she informed me of this, I felt great sadness for him. I could imagine feeling this way when you realize that your health is fading and the hope of tomorrow becomes a luxury of pain and sickness.

My cousin and I lived a thousand miles apart; however, I always felt a connection with him. The virus he had did not deter my love; if anything, it strengthen it because I witnessed his strength and inner beauty. I never thought HIV or AIDS would affect someone I cared about, let alone a family member. I always imagined it to be a virus we were warned about in high school, but would never come into contact with.

Gene may of felt that he didn't have a purpose near the end of his life, but in many ways his passing may of been one of God's purposes. I know since his passing, I've made it a point to be more alive. To love a little deeper, acknowledge those around me, take in the air I'm breathing, spend more time with the Lord, sing a little louder, cry when I feel down, and take in the beauty that surrounds me. I've been looking at things a little differently and I know right now, I have a purpose and a potential to do great things.

God has many purposes for my life and I look forward to completing them. I've been reading the book, 'A Purpose Driven Life' by Rick Warren. I'm into day #18 of the 40 days and it helps me to understand and want to fulfill God’s purposes for putting me on earth.

I am thankful for today and love my cousin, Gene. If you are looking for your purpose, check out this book.

Hello Familiar Friend,

I didn’t miss you. I didn’t wish that the day would come where you would return and hold my hand so tightly. That your footsteps would walk in sync with mine no matter how fast I try to run. Your grasp at times feels paralyzing. Numbing my mood and forcing me to fake a smile.

Your silent words taunt me and create visions that make my stomach turn. You make me doubt my decisions, make me feel pity for the person I see in the mirror, have taken my recent dreams and torn them apart.

At times I feel like I can escape you; however, you are there each night I lie awake in bed. You are there each time my phone rings and are the reminder that wakes me each morning.

I won’t let you break me and I will not let you allow me to fall apart. I fully accept you back into my life. I know that your presence is temporary. I know with time, the force of your grasp will become my strength. You will become the beam that draws the next wonderful person into the light of my life. I know what I am capable of and I know what I can provide.

I saved a little love for myself and I welcome you, Loneliness!

Sincerely,

Mary Jean

Confession: I'm a Cat Lover

So I had a heart to heart with my cat the other day. Yup, I guess I can now be stereotyped with all the other crazy cat lovers out in this world.

I was laying in bed reading before bed, while Beast (my cat) was doing everything possible to steal my attention. After he walked over my tummy three times, nibbled on my pen, climbed on my shoulder and squirmed his way into the 9 inches between my body and book, I looked down at him and said, "Beast, I love you and I'm never going to give up on you." I put down my book and looked into his beautiful yellow eyes and pet his soft gray head.

I realized that night how much I care and love my little Beastie. I've never been one to care much for animals. I always felt that people who post pictures of their animals at work or on Facebook were freaks. Well I guess I can now be categorized with them. Beast and I are a package deal for as long as he lives. I can only hope cats do live to have 9 lives and that I get 8 more out of him.

Taking care of my little furball has added much joy to my life.

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."- Ellen Perry Berkeley

Happiness Check-Up

We are all searching for happiness in life; however, the moment we find it it changes and we have to constantly work at keeping it. If you have been having a hard time holding onto happiness, then maybe it's time for an honest happiness check-up.

On a scale of 0 to 10, how fulfilled and satisfied are you in these eight major life areas? (10 is completely fulfilled, with nothing left out).

Fun and Recreation
Health and Fitness
Career
Money
Friends and Family
Significant Other and Romance
Physical Environment
Spirituality or Personal Growth

Do you have an unobstructed path to attaining fulfillment in these areas? Is your head and heart aligned or does it feel that you want to achieve something in life; however, you're heading in the completely opposite direction?

After taking this assessment, I have to say my happiness meter is averaging at a 6. So where do I go from here? Well I asked myself two questions:

1. What do I want in life?
2. What can I do to attain it?

Well I want to have a family, be an established artist and experience different areas of the country/world. Now comes the hard part, making the right choices to achieve all three things. The feelings of excitement and fear fill me at the thought.

For the family: I’m not going to rush anything and pray that God will help guide my relationship into the direction he would like it to go.

For becoming an established artist: Launch my artist website August 1st and make steady progress with my work while continuing to hold it down at my full-time job. I’m going to be an official business owner!!

For traveling and seeing the world: I’m going to just start saving money. Whether it’s for a vacation or a move to some place new, a little pocket of money would do me good.

Stamp This, Canada!

Damn where has the time gone? I've been one busy lady over the past three months and blogging just hasn't fit into my schedule. Balancing my love for creating art, raising a cat (yup I have a furry roomie), recovering from a car accident, building a new relationship, jogging often, climbing the corporate ladder and planning trips have been my focus. No matter how busy my life seems to get, I take a good amount of time each day to be alone and do something for myself.

I set out this year to experience the United States and this Wednesday I'll be taking a roadtip out East. The bonus to this trip: CANADA! I sure hope they stamp my  passport when I cross the border. I've never been out of the country and I think the experience is long past over due. I'm imagining Canada to be filled with wilderness, French accents and historic culture. I don't know if Canadians love Americans, but if not, I'll be the first one they will learn to love!

After this trip, I will need to take 2 more before 2012 comes a knocking on my door. I set out on a mission this year and I can't wait to look back upon this year with a better understanding of who I am and the people and places that make our country so wonderful!

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."-Henry David Thoreau