Dreaming Big

If you would of asked me a year and a half ago if I would ever put my knack for art to use, I would of told you, ''Likely never.'' I have come far from that mentality and can now proudly say, "I am an established artist!"

Thank God I ran past a thrown out artist table. Thank God I went through a rough break-up and thank God I got sick from my Ulcerative Colitis. If these three events wouldn't of happened in 2010, I would of never fostered my talent for painting.

I set out this year to paint one picture each month, to showcase my work to the public and to start a fan site. The reaction from my friends, family and fans has exceeded my expectations! I am ecstatic to see what wonderful opportunities lie ahead for my work.

I think everyone has a talent or desire to do something big in their lives and I hope that my story will inspire others to take a chance on their potential. We only get one life to live and I sure as hell don't want to look back on it with regrets and wondering 'What if?'

Photo Courtesy of Dean's Photography

My life is not perfect and it's not always glamours, but it's vibrant, positive and all mine. The passion for creating art has been ignited. Thank you for reading this. I hope I can share a portion of my joy with you.

Dumping My Husband-Shopping List

I'll admit that I once created a list of all the qualities and attributes I wanted in a partner. Let's just say my list was not short (it was over 2 pages single spaced). Going forward with my dating life I am dumping my husband-shopping list. I am in the market for a good person with similar relationship goals, values and shared interests.

Many of you may not have a physical list, but I'm sure many of you have a list in your head. You may require your partner to have or be a certain body type, hair color, intelligence level, educational background, family structure, particular interest and the requirements or wants go on and on. The thing is some of the qualities on our lists are not important when it comes down to finding a partner to form a happy marriage with. We also might be overlooking Mr. Right because of one single insignificant thing. The real things that may be the most important are common relationship goals, values, individual needs and shared interests.

2011 Word

HUMILITY is the word I plan to incorporate into the 2011 year. Forget creating a resolution; we all know that resolutions only last so long and are bound for failure. This year I plan to attempt being selfless with my thoughts and actions. This means I plan to focus on volunteering, sensoring my mouth from derogatory conversations and being a better person in general. Not that I'm a bad person, but everyone has room for improvement.

Humilty: "the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc (Dictionary.com)."

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you all are working at something to better yourselves as well.

A Christmas Reflection

Dear Santa: I think you forgot about me. Where is Mr. Good Enough that I’ve been asking for all year? ♥ MJ

I’m so thankful the holidays will soon be behind me. The joy of Christmas appeared in short spurts of time, but was never lasting and magical. It was my first Christmas without my mother, where I was single and my immediate family did not gather on Christmas Eve. Being alone on Christmas was at times depressing; however, I experienced humility by volunteering my time with the homeless and less fortunate at the Salvation Army’s Christmas Fest. 

I did a good amount of praying before the event. I asked for the Lord to enlighten me, to calm any fears I had, to use my personality for his good and to soften my heart to those less fortunate. Boy did the Lord answer! 

That morning I shook thousands of hands and gave hugs to children and adult of all ages, sex and race. I’ve always had a fear of the homeless; however, this experience calmed my trepidation. I saw these people as individuals and not as threats. I wanted to take away their pain and to spring joy into their Holiday. I plan to spend future holidays volunteering for the Salvation Army. The experience has opened my eyes to the need in Milwaukee County and has made me realize how narrow minded I am at times towards different groups of people. 


So if life has you down, go out and do something selfless. You might learn more about who you are or find an area of your life that needs improvement. 

Sick of the Mundane? Get a Hobby

Does homework, drinking, working, television and dating seem to be some of your so called ‘hobbies’? If so, it might be time to get a real hobby. It seems that all of the above at one time have been my so called ‘hobbies’ and it only led to dissatisfaction and boredom.

Homework was always a chore, drinking caused a lot of drama, work was a bore, television was annoying and dating was stressful. I can finally say I have three hobbies: painting, running and drawing. All three bring me much pleasure, relaxation and self evaluation.

According to Dictionary.com ‘hobby’ is defined as, “an activity or interest pursued for pleasure or relaxation and not as a main occupation.”

Far from being a waste of time, having a hobby provides stress relief. It can also boost your creativity and self-esteem. Completing or adding to a project or collection can bring a sense of accomplishment and it’s a rewarding experience to share your hobby with others, as I do with my artwork. Below are some of my recent accomplishments.

"Conceal" Acrylic Painting

"My Heart" Acrylic Painting

"Silly" Drawing

"Leaving Behind" Acrylic Painting

What does it take to love yourself?

Have you ever looked in the mirror and told yourself, "I love me" or said it in your head? Do you love being you? It's a simple thing to do, but do you really love the good, bad, ugly, pretty person you have grown to become?

How often do you tell yourself?

"FML!"
"Why did you say that?"
"You're so stupid."

"You just made a fool of yourself."

"You can't do that."
"You're ugly."

All of these things are self-destructive and inflicted by the ME in all of us. Over the past couple weeks, I've evaluated my thoughts after every time I've internally said these things. At that moment, I remind myself that I love being ME.  Below is what it takes to love being you by Christine Arylo in her book, "Choosing ME before WE". I couldn't agree more and I just had to share. Discover how loving yourself can ignite the spirit within you!

1. Be Your Own Best Friend. Love hanging out with you. When you re deeply connected to ME, there's no reason to fear being alone. Honestly believe the following: "I would rather be companion less than with others who take away from how great I feel about ME, whether this refers to family, friends or a man."

2. See your magnificence and beauty. Embrace the amazing woman you are every day. Let everyone around you see her too. Cherish you own brilliance, without reserve or fear of it being greater than someone else's light. The more radiant you are, the more others will be inspired to show their own splendor.

3. Love all of yourself, even the not-so-pretty parts. Accept the flaws, idiosyncrasies, and weaknesses. Love yourself for who you have been and are. Forgive yourself for decisions that were not self-supporting. Acknowledge the dark parts of your life and spirit, and love them just as they are.

4. Make decisions guided by self-love. Take actions only if they uphold your commitment to self. Always be honest about how a relationship or other situation adds to or detracts from loving ME. And if you can't be honest with yourself, ask a trusted friend to advice you --and actually listen to what this person says.

5. Change your perspective on beliefs that counter self-love. Tell those negative voices in your head to take a hike, throw the "shoulds' into the garbage, and leave the bags of guilt at the door. Be willing to believe in the possibility of new possibilities, ones that breed and nourish love.

6. Never apologize for who you are. Believe that your choices, made with integrity and love, never have to be justified to anyone else. Be confident in who you are, and never let anyone say you should be someone else.

7. Make unconditional love a requirement for all relationships. Keep only the relationships with people--partners, friends, and family--who accept, love, and support you for you. They don't have to always like, agree with, or understand you choices, or you theirs, but love in the relationship must be unwavering. Do not have relationships with people who cannot love you as you are today, whose love is condition or inconsistent. If you aren't getting unconditional love from someone you'd like to remain in your life, be willing to ask for it and to be honest about how they can give it.

8. Give and receive. One of the best parts of loving ME is getting to love other people too. Love others freely, without expectation, resentment, or attachment to the outcome.

Choosing ME

I couldn't sleep last night. I received word that I've been replaced in my ex's life. At first it didn't bother me, but then as I tried to rest my tired eyes, visions of him with her began to flood my mind. The surge of thoughts lead to a night of mixed emotions and self-reflection.

I am happy for him and I hope in many ways that I've taught him how to be a better partner. I thought about the good times I shared with him; however, I constantly reminded myself that he is still a man with a temper. It's so easy for us to sometimes focus on the good, that we forget or downplay the bad. Our brains like to tell us that the new person in our partner's life is going to get all the good stuff and more; however, this is not the case. People are people and they don't change over night. The new person will surely get the good stuff, but they will also receive all the junk and baggage that comes along with him or her.

Normally, I'm the one to jump into something after a break-up; however, this time my focus is truly on developing the relationship I have with ME. It has been two months in the "single world" and I know with each week I am becoming more capable of being content on my own.

It's at times scary to be alone; however, I feel an immense amount of courage and strength. There are times that I am lonely; however, I know that the sense of loneliness is only temporary. I want to be content with just being MJ. It's a struggle to not be on the prowl or think about if Mr. Potential is sitting next to me in the library or at a bar, but I'm working on it.

I know that I am a good partner and I know that I am capable of being a fabulous partner, if I give myself some time to be alone. I love who I am and all the horrible, wonderful and smart decisions I have made along the way. I am aware of my flaws and I strive to be a better ME. I'm living my life for ME and it might be the first time in many years that I can say without a doubt that I am not living to please anyone besides myself.

I encourage everyone to love themselves first before loving someone else. This will make you a healthy partner. Unhealthy people attract unhealthy partners. Set your standards high and don't settle because of the fear of being alone. Focus on you and God will bring the right person in during the right time.

ca•pa•ble

–adjective 1. having power and ability; efficient; competent: a capable instructor.
—Idiom 2. capable of,
a. having the ability or capacity for: a man capable of judging art.
b. open to the influence or effect of; susceptible of: a situation capable of improvement.
c. predisposed to; inclined to: capable of murder.

Capable:the word that seems to sum up my current state of mind and lifestyle. I am independent, self sufficient and able to do as I please. For majority of my life, I have been dependent upon someone for money and attention. Alas, I've reached the point in my life where I can provide both on my own (applause). Instead of wishing I had someone to do something with, I'm out there doing it on my own and meeting people. Instead of depending on someone to help me pay my bills or bar tab, I'm paying it.

Everyone is capable of becoming the person they have always wanted to be, but many of us put off our abilities because of fear, laziness and rejection. Well I've noticed a spark within me and I've set it ablaze. I refuse to let fear, laziness and rejection stop me from reaching beyond my full potential and I hope to inspire others to be capable.

“If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves.” Thomas A. Edison

"Never limit your boundary of aim, it stops you to achieve higher."-Anonymous

"Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin." -Anonymous

"Imagine what you want.
Think of it with passion.
Feel it within yourself and feel the joy of it being achieved by you.
I assure you,
you will have it."
-The Secret

Escaping Coupledom

I am alone and happy. The search for coupledom is off and getting in-touch with me is on!

My ability to blog has been limited, due to me cutting my dependency on Time Warner for the next month. This new found freedom has allowed for me to be productive with my time. The artist within me has been revived and now my thougths and feelings are brushed upon canvas and drawn on paper. In addition to art, I spend my time reading, jogging and I've been expanding my wardrobe. I must admit, I'm in love with skinny jeans and knee high boots. I’m back in control of my life and I’m not ready to attach it to someone else's.

I’m going to try and take a couple months off  from finding a partner. Now that is a challenge, because I'm a lover and enjoy sharing my life with others. My next relationship is going to happen, because it just does. Not because I put my life on hold or because I make all these accommodations to have it be available to someone. I’m in my prime and I’m happy with who I am.

I recently finished the book, “Be Honest-You’re Not That Into Him Either” by Ian Kerner and it has made me realize that I get hung up on men that I never wanted to date in the first place. I lower my standards without even realizing it. I end up settling because they like me, they want my time or because I start to care; however, the whole time I’m in the relationship knowing that it’s not what I want. Kerner’s take away from the book is simple and this:

“Trust yourself. Trust your instincts. Don’t get wrapped up in finding or keeping a man, resorting to rules and tactics and playing the number game. Learn to stop succumbing to the pressure to achieve coupledom. That way, when the real thing comes along, you will be ready, willing, and able to jump in with both feet, not caught on some infernal treadmill where you wouldn’t know the real thing if it slapped you in the fanny pack.”
 
So I give up! I'm done. I love men and one day I'm going to have an amazing relationship. In the meantime, I'm going to live an amazing life on my own.

The Kind of Woman I'd Like My Daughter 2 Be

Ever stuck between a rock and hard place? It's a place that no matter what you do you are pretty much fucked (pardon my French).

I was in one of those places this past month and I finally decided to squeeze my size 7 ass out. After much deliberation and courage, I vacated my boyfriend's home.

Now, this was not an easy task and it did not go as expected. I was informed that if I moved, the relationship was to conclude. So I left. I don't need to justify my reasons, since I still care. However, the thought of the kind of woman I'd like my future daughter to be gave me much encouragement.

No, I'm not prego and there is no one on the side. I needed a push to make a decision and the advice that I would give to my future daughter gave me the needed umf. My inner voice was telling me something and I quietly listen.

So if you are ever in one of those difficult situations, think about the advice you would give someone that means the world to you. Someone you created and invested blood, sweat and tears for. It will help you to make the best decision no matter how hard it can be.

Stronger Woman by Jewel --Listen to the song that inspired me to keep on going and to not turn the truck around.

My Teenage Good Idea Dissapearing

I may appear to be confident and to have no physical insecurities, but do not let my outgoing personality fool you. I have imperfections, parts of my body I would like to change and a crooked tattoo of the letter 'M' located on my mid-right bicep that I am ashamed of. The tattoo was one of my rebellious 'good ideas' I had with two of my girlfriends at the age of 13.

We were going to be 'Best Friends For Life' and we stabbed our first initial from our first names into our arms to prove it. We used a pen, sewing needle, thread an some cheap Indio ink from Spencer’s Gifts to create the tattoos.

At the time, a blood oath just wasn't rebellious enough. I mainly liked the idea that I could appear to be older with a tattoo. I sported my prison looking tattoo with pride the first two years. My bad ass tattoo wasn't cool for very long. By the time I became 17, I realized that this tattoo didn't make me look older; it made me look like a young punk who was raised in the ghetto. I wanted it removed or else covered but I couldn't afford to have it removed and wasn't legally an adult to get a professional tattoo. So I just had to live with it.

Thank fully, I never gave into having a tattoo placed over the 'M'. After 7 years of waiting, I went to the Cosmetic Laser Center and had my first laser tattoo removal procedure. The laser didn't hurt too bad and I can already see the tattoo dissolving into my skin. I feel an immense amount of pride to be able to have this tattoo removed for myself. I have been hiding my arm from the world for too long and I can't wait to not feel ashamed of my body.

So if you have been hiding something about yourself: get it fixed or work on improving that area of your body. We only get one body, one lifetime to live, and should never be ashamed of what we look like. I feel like this is one of the best gifts I can give to myself right now. I will forever have the 'M' scar, but have gained an appreciation for my natural self. Also, it’s a story for my future children about why not to get a tattoo or why it’s important to wait till you can have one done professionally.

Where is my niche?

So it has been 5 weeks since I graduated and about four months of career searching; I'm starting to feel like a failure. As the days go bye I feel less and less sure of where things are going. I know I have the rest of my life to work full-time so I shouldn't rush into anything, but right now finding a full-time job would be amazing.

It would allow for me to know where I should relocate in the next 5 weeks (my lease is up Aug. 15), allow for me to know if my honey and I have a future together in Dane County, some money to plan a little vacation, and fill my day with productivity.

All I need to do is find a niche...some place I can grow and develope into a career leader.

Don't Quite Get Acceptance Concept

Those who love you want the best for you, right? Well I and the man I have been dating have been trying to work out the kinks in our relationship over the past two months, but the one thing that keeps him at a distance is him thinking that I don't understand the concept of ACCEPTANCE.

This concept doesn't quite make sense to me, because I think people should want to please those they love..which means they should want to do certain actions. I'm not meaning that a person needs to change who they are, just try to show certain actions.

The definition of acceptance according to the Webster's Dictionary: " to endure without protest or reaction." Meaning that you perceive reality (situations, people, things) in your life accurately for what they are and not what you expect or want from them. This way you don't get disappointed or frustrated. True acceptance means realizing you can't control things or people so you just take them for what they are and happy with what you get.

Well I think my problem is that I understand that these people have the capability to change or do this action and I feel that I'm entitled to it due to the relationship between them and I. So why aren't they doing what I would like? And because they don't' do these actions I hold a slight resentment toward them which hinders my ability to have a strong relationship with them. Well In my mind if they would only do these actions they could have a strong relationship with me.

So I'm set out this afternoon to research the Internet in search of understanding this concept that is to bring me complete happiness.

Getting disappointed in some people's actions or lack of it is part of being human, isn't it? Like for example I accept that my father doesn't like to give out money, however I do still get upset that he doesn't mail me a birthday card with money or offer to help me out while I struggle through college. I have gotten upset with men I've dated because they refuse to show affection in the form oh how I believe a boyfriend should show to his girlfriend. These are the only two situations I can think of that I've gotten upset about someones lack of action because I can't change them. I hope for these actions from these people because I perceive my expectations from them to be standard. They are expectations that are culturally accepted...a father caring for his family (financially and emotionally) or a boyfriend rubbing his girlfriends shoulders or feet to reduce her stress. These are actions of love that show to me that they care for me and want me to be happy.

I understand the ability to just appreciate things for what they are and not hope for more will lead to happiness. So where do I go from here, how can I implement acceptance into my life? How do I give up what I feel I deserve? How do I reduce my expectation of how I feel love should be shown to me? I'm a little lost to be honest.

From http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/06/self-discipline-acceptance/ about acceptance. "This may sound simple and obvious, but in practice it’s extremely difficult. If you experience chronic difficulties in a particular area of your life, there’s a strong chance that the root of the problem is a failure to accept reality as it is.

From a blog http://rexiemh.blogspot.com/2006/09/acceptance-prayer.html "My prayer for the day....it has come to my attention yet again that I am trying to control things that are beyond my control. I need to accept that I have certain things in my life that have the appearance of being things I can change when in reality they are things I cannot change. By continually trying to change that which I cannot I am being selfish and not of maximum service to God and those around me. So for today I will pray this prayer and pick up the tools that have been given me to deal with those things.....thanks to those who love me enough to help me see this blind spot and have so compassionately guided me on this journey."

Becoming Aware of Your Weaknesses

"What is your greatest weakness?" seems to be a question that arises often during an interview and one that kind of freaks me out a bit. 

I've been doing a lot of personal evaluation over the past couple months. I've been focusing in on what I want in life and which path I want to take to attain it. One thing is for sure, I'm not perfect and I have certain areas in my life that if I take the time to strengthen will make me a stronger more confident individual.

My answer to this make or break question is that my writing ability is my weakness. This may come to the interviewer or yourself as a surprise, but it's true. Yes, I'm in the School of Journalism at UW-Madison but I struggle all the time with grammar and word choices. 

The fact that I know it's my weakness, makes me work that much harder to not show the world my struggle. To enhance my writing ability I've started this blog, designated a notebook for my most frequently misspelled words and new vocabulary, edit my work all the time and write often.

Facing my weakness head on and admitting it has empowered me to make a change. I just came across this quote:"Our strength grows out of our weaknesses." -Ralph Waldo Emerson. I hope one day I can look back upon my life and see that my ability to write was my talent. I love to talk and engage with the world. My spoken words will one day be forgotten, but the ink and type that have and will spring from my hands will last long after I am gone. 

I encourage people to critically evalutate themselves and make a change. It feels good.

 

Accepting the Things I Cannot Change....Hard!

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference."

These are the words to the famous Serenity Prayer. Acceptance seems to be such an easy task, but it's really quite frustrating for me because I am an avid believer in change.

I have recently realized that my inability at times to accept situations and people have hindered my ability to find complete happiness.

I'm struggling right now to accept that I have a disease called, ulcerative colitis. I was diagnosed 4 years-ago with this inflammatory disease of the colon. The disease is treatable but there currently is no cure. My disease has come out of remission and restricting the amount of food I can intake. The cramps and bleeding are so severe that at times I feel that I might die or pass out from the pain. The mix of fatigue, low nutrition, sleep deprivation, drugs, stress and fear added up yesterday and I balled. The moment one tear fell, they simply rained down my cheeks. I'm in a battle against myself...mind vs. body and the body is winning.

Through my tears and fear I realized that have to accept this disease, otherwise I will stew in misery. For me to get better I'm going to give up solid food for one week and then slowly reintroduce solids into my diet. This is going to be a hard task but one I must do before or if I am to enter the next phase in treatment. Which would be going into a hospital for an infused drug called Remicade. The side effects on this drug are scary and it would be something I would have to maintain.

As for my trouble with accepting certain actions from people, I would have to refer to the man I am newly dating. We dated for three year during college but ended things shortly before he graduated because I was craving more from him. An important aspect of developing acceptance is learning to avoid craving. I craved more affection from him and longed for it, which unfortunately craving made me unhappy with the relationship. The longing created an unhappy form of dissatisfaction, which made me reject my relationship and blinded my ability to see just how good we had it. I and him have discussed both of our problems in the relationship and are making a good faith effort to incorporate affection and realistic expectations into the relationship. Only time will tell if I and him can truly accept and grow together.

So this is where I am. I'm going to keep on living and being happy. Life is good and God is great.

Please place me in your prayers, this is one of the hardest things I've had to deal with in my life.

Thank you.

Taking Back the Control of My Emotions

I've done some reflecting over the past couple days about my emotional state and I've concluded that birth control has been making me emotional. I hadn't really thought much about it, until I had a conversation with my mother about the Nuvaring I am on. She told me she felt very similar when she was on the pill and at times paranoid.

I started the ring two months ago, and ever since felt depressed and have found myself crying over small good and bad things. Well I can't handle this up and down roller coaster of emotions anymore. I'm going to get myself off of this ring. My sex life is non-existent any how so taking back control over my feelings and saving money will be good...also no plans for sex in the near future.

I'll return to birth control when I'm in a relationship where my partner can understand how the increase of hormones can affect me. I'm not alone in how I've been feeling. I've done some web searching about the effects of birth control. Check out these sites if interested in reading more: http://www.medications.com/se/nuvaring, http://www.medications.com/se/nuvaring/going-crazy, http://www.birth-control-drugstore.com/side-effects.html, http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2001/07/010725081754.htm.

So if you're thinking about going on birth control make sure you have a supportive partner and are aware of the side effects.

Giving Up Alcohol

So I've had a rough week so far and the addition of a couple alcoholic beverages last night only added more stress into the mix. I just completed the first week of my last semester at UW-Madison and it's been hard because memories of my ex keep flashing into my mind. It also doesn't help that the guy sent me a drunk text the other night about missing me. Then I the following day gave in and texted him back that I missed him and wanted to see him...only for him to blow me off like his and my message mean nothing.

Well I went out with the girls last night. Had maybe 5 drinks with them and hit up the busy downtown Madison bars. It was fun at first, but then I wanted to escape home. I wasn't in the mood to scope out available drunk men or run into my ex. Which ironically happened at the end of evening when my girlfriends dragged me into State Street Brats. Low and behold he was there and so where all of his friends...lovely way to end my evening NOT.

I didn't stay long and stormed off to my good friend Sarah's apartment. I had time to finally lay down and think about my evening. I realized that alcohol only makes things worse, especially during this time change. So I'm not going to drink until my 23 birthday which is slightly over a month away. This is good because my body has been aching. I've been in denial over the past 6 months about my digestive disorder (ulcerative colitis). Alcohol and stress tend to make my intestines bleed. My stress level has been high and even one alcoholic drink seems to put me in crippling pain for the following three days. So I'm giving it up. This will keep me out of the bar scene...where the kind of man I want in my life won't be lurking. I also don't want to run into my ex anymore.

I tried giving him a second chance to come back into my life...which was stupid, but something I had to do because I had hope that his text message the other night was honest and trying. You know I think I finally understand why some people take so long to fall in love or place their guard down...it's to protect themselves from time periods like the one I'm going through. It's the worst feeling of wanting someone you can't have or quite frankly you shouldn't be with. It sucks when you've cared and known someone and then have to act as if strangers.

So no more alcohol for awhile. I need to let my body heal, mind focus and pay attention to the important things in my life. Thanks for reading.

Goal: Expand my Worldview

So I've been feeling this urge deep within me to get out of the country and see the world and you know what I'm going to do it. I'm not going to daydream about it, I'm instead going to work my ass off over this semester, graduate and leave for a bit. I need to do something that will take me out of my element and I also need some excitement in my life that bars and parties can't provide. An urge that can only be filled by me providing something for myself.

So starting tomorrow, I'm going to get a second job. I'll be a full time student, work at both jobs, pay off my credit card, buy my passport, save, graduate and go :). Gosh that sounds so fun and exciting...if only you could see the smile that stretches across my face right now as I type in my fluffy pink bath robe.

I want to experience life, face my fears and find myself outside of my comfort zone. It feels so good to be alive. Creating short term and long term goals for yourself can help you to feel more in control of your life...also gives you some pride when they are accomplished.