Career Uncertainty

MENTAL CHECKUP: How am I? I’m unstable is my conclusion! One moment I’m up and the world is great the next it’s about to come crumbling down and I hate myself. Ugh! Mean people suck! The part of my life where I spend between 38-50 hours a week at, my career, sucks and it's bringing me down. I feel undeveloped, bullied, stressed out and uncertain about what I want to do within my career. I’m a victim to bullying within the workplace and I can’t take it anymore! Taking the high road or the submissive role isn’t working for me anymore with the team I work with. I dread coming into work and I resent the people I work with who have tried to destroy me over the past year. I need to get out. I need to find a career and an environment that gives me a purpose yet pays the bills each month. I’m so scared to leave the comfort of my career. I’m scared that once I leave that the next job will be worse, or I’ll be paid less or that I won’t be able to provide the lifestyle I want for my future kids and husband. Oh Lord please help me! Help me to use my talents to change the world and provide me with an avenue to do just that.

"Get the Hell Out"- from Grandma

(I wrote this entry August 4th, 2010 and I felt inclined to post it. It may give someone strength to make a tough decision for their future. Sometimes we have to go through hard times to find great times. I'm happy to say I'm standing on my own two feet again.)

So I never admitted it on this blog, but I moved in with my now ex-boyfriend. I've always believed that a man and woman should wait till marriage or engagement to shack up.  However, I needed to touch the flame to know it was hot. This situation didn't fit the 'mefocused' theme and I let it slide from the page, but now I feel inclined to share.

The warm flame extinguished last night when I made it clear that today was my day to vacate. I did this because the more I learned about him, the more I knew I and any future kids (in my eyes) would be walking on egg shells. Before I even moved in, I knew something was not right; however, denial and the hope of love changing things made me think otherwise. His temper grew and with it my longing to escape. I care very deeply for this guy, but I realize this is not what I want out of a partner.

So I left. I feel horrible, miserable, sad, exhausted and unsure about my future; however, I know that I'll persevere. With Patience and time my heart will mend and I'll be back solid on my own two feet.

When your inner voice tells you to run you should get the fuck out! Or as my grandma said from her hospital bed, "Get the hell out!" Now those are words from a wise woman who has experienced a lifetime of disappointment and tough decisions.

Cell Phone MIA

36 hours without my cell phone and I'm starting to turn into a crazy lady; well at least, one lady I'm sure thinks so.

After having my eyes dilated at Stein Optical, I returned to TJ Max where I have concluded is the last place I had my dear cell phone. I went directly to the customer service counter and started to explain my lost cell phone situation. The customer service I received from the employee was disappointing. The lady was uncompassionate and ,by the way she examined my eyes, must of thought I was on a magical acid trip. She did nothing to help me locate my cellie. This only added to my irritability. Where is an acid stip when you really need one? lol

So I did a little therapy shopping; however, the constant thought of spending $100 on a new cell phone and the starish looking lights didn't make for a good therapy session.

I'm not a happy camper right now. On the brightside 2 great things happened this week, I received a promotion at my job and my health is starting to improve. Guess I just need to suck it up and go purchase a new phone and get myself out of this rut. Life is good and sometimes minor setbacks happen.

Dinner 4 One Please

I had a first tonight. I braved going out in public to eat at a sit down restaraunt alone. It's something I've never done and, to be honest, thought was only something lonely, business people do. My experience has changed my thinking. It was actually quite liberating. I enjoyed the moments of solitude, not having to entertain someone over meaningless conversation and deal with the somewhat uncomfotable game of 'Who's Picking Up the Tab?' Tonight it was all about me and it was enjoyable. I had a craving to be out and an appetite for shephard's pie.

My mission is complete, my tummy is full, my mind is clear and my sketchbook has a few more drawings. I have an ambitious soul and I'm not waiting around for someone to do something with. If I want it, I'll get it and I won't hold back just because I'm on my own. I am my own best friend.

ca•pa•ble

–adjective 1. having power and ability; efficient; competent: a capable instructor.
—Idiom 2. capable of,
a. having the ability or capacity for: a man capable of judging art.
b. open to the influence or effect of; susceptible of: a situation capable of improvement.
c. predisposed to; inclined to: capable of murder.

Capable:the word that seems to sum up my current state of mind and lifestyle. I am independent, self sufficient and able to do as I please. For majority of my life, I have been dependent upon someone for money and attention. Alas, I've reached the point in my life where I can provide both on my own (applause). Instead of wishing I had someone to do something with, I'm out there doing it on my own and meeting people. Instead of depending on someone to help me pay my bills or bar tab, I'm paying it.

Everyone is capable of becoming the person they have always wanted to be, but many of us put off our abilities because of fear, laziness and rejection. Well I've noticed a spark within me and I've set it ablaze. I refuse to let fear, laziness and rejection stop me from reaching beyond my full potential and I hope to inspire others to be capable.

“If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves.” Thomas A. Edison

"Never limit your boundary of aim, it stops you to achieve higher."-Anonymous

"Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin." -Anonymous

"Imagine what you want.
Think of it with passion.
Feel it within yourself and feel the joy of it being achieved by you.
I assure you,
you will have it."
-The Secret

Satisfaction

So after a poor start to the week of man drama and a flat tire, I got some great news today. I got a promotion!!

I am selfishly bragging, but don't judge me. I may need to one day look back on this post and absorb some of the positive energy placed into this post. Because we all know we have those days when we "can't get no sat-is-fac-tion." Don't mind me writing in song. When I'm jolly I sing and sometimes, if you get me in a super-duper mood, I'll start making up my own words and melody.  Yes I'm cheesy and I might be one of a kind, but that is why you love me.

I'm "move'n on up" which seems slow as I go through the motions; however, looking back on the past year I start to realize that I have come pretty far from being a seasonal employee. So thank you to every one who has encouraged me, prayed for me or can in some small way find happiness for me. I feel appreciated and content at the moment. I hope this feeling stays with me for awhile.

4 Wheels and the Open Road

Today, I bought a car! I purchased a 2002 Toyota Corolla and I'm proud of that little car. It  might not be much to look at, but it's all mine. I could have spent a lot of money on a vehicle that would have been flashy, sexy and costly...but why make my life more complicated?

I'm new to the "real world." Why barley be able to make it, when I have the capability to be making it and not missing out on the world because of costly car insurance and a car payment. I'll have my day to shine in a beautiful car, when I can afford it. In the mean time, I have four wheels and the open road; now I'm starting to feel freedom.

Directing My Powers

I have been carrying a quote with me everyday since my first day of work, and I think I just need to share it with the world.

"The man who succeeds above his fellows is the one who early in life clearly discerns his object, and towards that object habitually directs his powers."-By Earl Nightingdale

This line made me think a lot about how I've made some sacrifices over the course of my young adult life and, now thanks to them, I'm starting to see the object of my desired lifestyle unfolding before my eyes. I still have a long road ahead of me until I reach my object of "success" in life, but I'm heading in the right direction. I am starting to feel that I'm living my happy ever after and I am alone. It's a great feeling finding happiness within myself. 

First Day in the 'Real World'

So today was my first day of full-time work. Well I don't really know if considering orientation real 'work', but it was my first day in the 'real world'! I work in a building with a thousand employees and the larger corporate office has over 4,000! Majority of the people in my team are older women...so a perk to the job is I don't have to spend an hour each morning getting cute.

In addition to starting my new job, I've been car hunting like a mad woman. I'm so committed to finding the right car that I took an early evening run and stopped at the car dealership downtown tonight. I'm sure that car salesman was caught off guard by a sweaty, fit, redhead excited to purchase her first car from a dealership. I'll be returning tomorrow to test drive some of those potential automobiles.

So life is good for me and the good Lord is shining down on me. Sweet dreams world.

An Off Week

Oh how this week has not been one of my finest. It seems that everyday something unexpected seems to throw my day out of whack. Today is the fourth day into the week and of course the fourth upsetting thing has happened today.

During this not so good week, the one thing that seems to be doing wonderful is my running routine. I'm jogging between 5 and 6 miles a day and can see dramatic definition in my legs and abdominals.

Living in Waukesha has been great, however the hopeful career start isn't looking up for me yet. I currently have been applying for about 2 jobs a day in addition to bartending and freelance writing.

The other day, I was training to waitress at my new job when it dawned on me that I should be the one being waited on during my lunch break not the other way. Urrr... it is so hard to put my pride aside.

So I'm trying to stay positive, realizing that a couple downers can make me appreciate life when it is great.

Moving On With It All

The move ahead for me is not just to another location, it's about moving on with my life.

After an amazing busy day, I find myself wide awake at 2:00 a.m. packing and organizing my belongings for the move to Waukesha. It was official today when I received a call from my new landlord that everything is ready for me to move in.

I received the call with joy while releasing a deep breath that held the last bit of hope I had to stay in Madison. I'm moving back into familiar territory, close to my childhood friends, family and two prospective employment areas.

Moving away from Madison means leaving things I love and cherish behind me. Like my favorite running trail, my small efficiency I call home, my college friends, the freedom to ride my bicycle without looking like a weirdo, restaurants that know my name, and most importantly my college love, Beau.

It's hard to leave my best friend and partner. It was actually the only thing that really kept me grounded to stay in Madison. After much contemplation and prayer I believe it's not in God's timing for us to be together right now in life. I have things I need to experience and so does he.

So I'm going to ride my life out and just let things be whatever they shall amount to.

Uncertainty is Certain

It's soon time for me to turn the page on this college chapter of my life and move on to the next. It seems that everyday a new opportunity comes my way and right now I feel excited and very uncertain.

Madison, Wisconsin has been an amazing community that has allowed for me to grow, learn, become independent, and my education has laid a foundation for me to spring into the world. The only thing is Madison won't be the area I spring into a career. I haven't landing a full-time job, so I will be moving back into my hometown area. I currently have a job as a freelance writer for the website http://www.townme.com/madison-wi which can travel with me. I am going to continue the job hunting game and live in a more affordable area with a roomie or two.

Now the living arrangement is where it all gets complicated. I have 5 options and all have pros and cons. So I'm giving it to God and looking forward to the future. I'm a little uneasy about change, but I know good things are ahead.

Unemployment Depression

What is this? Am I suffering from unemployment depression? I find myself sleeping often and waking up every half an hour to the thought of "oh shit I don't have a job" or "oh no, I don't know where my life is going," or this one, "fuck my life!"

So I've graduated without a full-time job. I thought this whole go to college and start a career was going to be a little easier. Especially because I applied myself during school with internships, jobs, student organizations and volunteer opportunities.

I have an education, a resume which no employer seems to care to look at until during our interview, experience in a variety of marketing areas, two part-time jobs, an unpaid internship in the capitol and an apartment lease which is about to end in two months.

Where is my life going? God help me.

Reject Me and Strengthen Me

3 pointless e-mails and two rejection letters from Kerry and Environment America...how much more rejection can a girl take? So I didn't get either job, I also didn't get two others. I'm feeling a little salty and disappointed but I know that I did all that I could to have received employment. I'm not taking these rejections as a personal set back, if anything it's a step forward because I'm learning the lesson of rejection. I'm going to accept that I didn't get the job and continue the job hunt game. I know the skills and qualifications I have to offer a company and I will find employment.

My biggest fear right now is that I won't have a job in my chosen field after graduation. With 39 days until graduation and 39 days left of insurance, I'm starting to feel a little pressure upon my shoulders. How can I enjoy my graduation when I don't have a job lined up afterward in which I can apply my education to?

So I guess it's more cover letters and resumes being placed out there. Otherwise time to be an entrepreneur and start my own agency. Maybe recruit other J-schoolers who are having difficulty finding a career and start our own business. It might just work and we might be able to finagle some free P.R.

So when rejection comes in your life, learn from it and realize you've learned an important lesson. Not everything is going to go the way you plan it or hope for, but what's great about rejection is that when you're not rejected you have a greater appreciation. That can be applied to all things in life and it can also be used in an interview as a good example of something not going your way :).

Goodbye College, Hello Career

I just browsed over my trusty planner and to my amazement I only have 48 days until graduation...wowza this semester has flown bye. So I've got a month and a half to find a full-time job. I feel that the prospect of working for Kerry Ingredients and Flavours is very high, however I don't have the job in the bag yet....so I'll wait on doing my happy dance. I've interviewed with three people, love the location, building, company and feel that this position is the perfect match for my qualifications.

I've got everything in my life in order right up until May 31. I'll be coming back from my Florida vacation on the 31 to hopefully begin my career on June 1!

My Youth Dissapearing

I've felt a little different lately, this something actually started to occur over the past two years but sprang on quickly since mid December. In mid December I had a huge drunken argument with my sister. I woke up the next morning with an epiphany that it was time for me to grow up and start making mature decisions.

I'm 23 years-old, about to graduate from college and about to enter into the working world. I'm going to be the young face in the office on the bottom of the totem pole but I hope to be taken seriously in my work environment.

Any who, I know that no matter how old I am or how much responsibility is placed upon my shoulders I'll always hold onto my playful side and live for discovering interesting things in this fascinating world.

Tummy Trouble

In the path of my busy college girl life I've come to a large obstacle...my deteriorating health. Over the past three weeks my digestive disease, ulcerative colitis, has taken a turn for the worst. The cramping pain from my intestines shredding because my immune system is fighting itself has forced me to limit the amount of food I can take in. I've been managing to get by eating one meal a day or in some cases like yesterday, only a snack. My Dr. keeps putting me on new drugs but nothing seems to be able to fix the problem. I'm going in next Monday to have some tests done, which means they are going to do a colonoscopy. Yeah, not the most exciting procedure but at least I get to sleep for the operation.

The lack of sleep, amount of drugs, pain, financial costs and worry about what is going on has started to take a toll on me. I'm trying to stay positive and busy but have some fear about my future well being. I've had great friends who have comforted me over the past weeks. I'm in no need for sympathy, just prayers if possible. 

I know I'll get through this and I'm not going to let my disease get the best of me. On the brighter side of this disease I'm down to 120lbs....so I'm ready to show off my beach body whenever winter decides to get  a move on. 

Short-term Accomplishments

Oh how life is good again. I sit here before my outdated computer screen with a smile this evening. The past couple days have been great! I have a couple things to brag about tonight.

First, I've reached my first weight goal of 130lbs. That's 15lbs over the past month. My secret to losing this weight is not eating after 7pm, drinking lots of water, working out 6 days a week, eating healthier and reducing the amount of alcohol intake. I'm down to my freshmen high school size...I love it!

Second, I've been applying for jobs in my free time and I've got an interview! I just might be a future Hotdogger for Oscar Mayer Wiener. It might sound corny but I'm actually really excited about this job. I just might have the opportunity to travel around the United States in a wiener...screw finding a man, I'll have all the sausage I want.

Third, my courses this semester are challenging but great. I'm starting to get my confidence back and I've established a busy routine. Focusing on myself and future feels good. It's nice to have my life in control again.

Friends Are a Blessing

Having truly good friends are hard to come by. I recently got well acquainted with a woman name Christie. Since the moment we began hanging out she has brought lots of laughter, encouragement and joy into my life. It's refreshing to have someone new who you can just be yourself with. Someone who unconditionally likes you for being just the way you are.

This afternoon she called me up while I was working. I was having a moment of weakness and her call brought back my strength. After a short conversation about me returning to my hometown of Pewaukee, she said, "I'm saving you from that wretched public transportation!". I normally take the Badger Bus home but today I have a beautiful escort. I couldn't even argue with her about saving her gas and time. So Christie is on her way for me from my hometown and taking me to my hometown...what a good lady. She doesn't quite know how lucky I feel to have this new found friendship, but one day I hope to be able to show it in return.

Well I just received her phone call, she is here and ready to have some fun. Spending time with those who love you....priceless...for everything else there is mastercard (The last part was brought to you by Christie....love it!.

With out my mother, sister, Niki, Sarah and Christie my sanity wouldn't have returned so quick. I love those women and appreciate all of their kind words, honesty, patience and willingness to cheer my ass up :).