A Purpose

My cousin, Eugene Selje, passed away Thursday night from a heart attack. He contracted HIV a number of years ago and the virus was very aggressive to his body over the past year. He told my Aunt that he felt he had no purpose in life. When she informed me of this, I felt great sadness for him. I could imagine feeling this way when you realize that your health is fading and the hope of tomorrow becomes a luxury of pain and sickness.

My cousin and I lived a thousand miles apart; however, I always felt a connection with him. The virus he had did not deter my love; if anything, it strengthen it because I witnessed his strength and inner beauty. I never thought HIV or AIDS would affect someone I cared about, let alone a family member. I always imagined it to be a virus we were warned about in high school, but would never come into contact with.

Gene may of felt that he didn't have a purpose near the end of his life, but in many ways his passing may of been one of God's purposes. I know since his passing, I've made it a point to be more alive. To love a little deeper, acknowledge those around me, take in the air I'm breathing, spend more time with the Lord, sing a little louder, cry when I feel down, and take in the beauty that surrounds me. I've been looking at things a little differently and I know right now, I have a purpose and a potential to do great things.

God has many purposes for my life and I look forward to completing them. I've been reading the book, 'A Purpose Driven Life' by Rick Warren. I'm into day #18 of the 40 days and it helps me to understand and want to fulfill God’s purposes for putting me on earth.

I am thankful for today and love my cousin, Gene. If you are looking for your purpose, check out this book.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

Ever realize that the older you get the more you start to turn into one or both of your parents? If you're like most people, you probably said to yourself at least once during your childhood or teen years: “I'm never going to behave like my mother!" Well it's time for me to fess up: I'M TURNING INTO MY MOTHER!! *smiles* Oh how the rebellious teenager within me would be so ashamed.

I recently returned from a vacation with my mother and her friends in Southern Georgia and there were several moments that I thought: "Mom did you really have to say that, do that or request that?" But then it dawned on me, I would of said the same thing, did the same thing or requested the same item. WAY TO GO MOM! Why did I seem so judgmental?

She has a way of bringing quirkiness into dull conversations, certainly to uncertain moments, strength during times of weakness, positivity when things seems downbeat and gives without needing praise or focusing too much on the aspect of money. As I've aged, my relationship with my mother has blossomed into a great friendship. I enjoy sharing stories with her about my goals, troubles, insecurities and triumphs, because it allows for me to hear similar stories about her own life before I even existed. It’s intriguing to learn the reasons behind the decisions she made to get through life’s tribulations.

I will forever cherish the moments I have to share with my mother. She is an amazing woman who has made many sacrifices to provide a stable environment for my siblings and I. She has paved a solid path for me to build my life upon. We really are a product of our parents. Raise your children well and love them unconditionally. I love you mom!





Screw Protecting Your Heart

My calloused heart has turned soft and I'm ready to invite love back into my life. Screw playing childish games. You’re never going to find what you want if you’re not your authentic self.

I've recently reentered the dating scene and, for the most part, I've seen and met several potential men. However, I've noticed I do a lot of self protecting. For example: when my close friends ask how a date went I’ve responded, "It went great. However, he works too much, isn’t tall enough and might be the player type.” My choice in words and train of thought have allowed for me to come off as if I don't really care if it works out or not; however in hindsight, I do hope and want it to work out. Self protecting makes me feel that the world won't know if I end up disappointed or rejected.

So from now on, I'm going to be honest about what I want and I'm going to tell my friends and family how much I hope things will work out with my dates. I'm going to be my authentic self and with every failure turn up the dial on hope. If you want love you can't just reveal a smidgen of it, you have to open the whole door. And if you get hurt, so be it. We will likely get hurt either way if we had opened it or kept it closed.

Self protection lowers your hope. It's also a straight up lie to yourself. You're pretending that you don't want something you really truly want and that's foolish. You have to take chances with finding what you want in life. You also have to be your authentic self; otherwise, the person falling for you is actually falling for the person you want them to perceive you to be.

Through the years we have all been hurt and our hope for incredible love starts to fade. I challenge you to rediscover the scary world of hope if you want true love. Wear your heart on your sleeve and with each day or date you'll be closer to finding a partner that will match your wants and lifestyle.

I'm one day closer to having mi media naranja, which means 'my half orange' in Spanish, used to describe someone's beautiful, perfect other half.

What does it take to love yourself?

Have you ever looked in the mirror and told yourself, "I love me" or said it in your head? Do you love being you? It's a simple thing to do, but do you really love the good, bad, ugly, pretty person you have grown to become?

How often do you tell yourself?

"FML!"
"Why did you say that?"
"You're so stupid."

"You just made a fool of yourself."

"You can't do that."
"You're ugly."

All of these things are self-destructive and inflicted by the ME in all of us. Over the past couple weeks, I've evaluated my thoughts after every time I've internally said these things. At that moment, I remind myself that I love being ME.  Below is what it takes to love being you by Christine Arylo in her book, "Choosing ME before WE". I couldn't agree more and I just had to share. Discover how loving yourself can ignite the spirit within you!

1. Be Your Own Best Friend. Love hanging out with you. When you re deeply connected to ME, there's no reason to fear being alone. Honestly believe the following: "I would rather be companion less than with others who take away from how great I feel about ME, whether this refers to family, friends or a man."

2. See your magnificence and beauty. Embrace the amazing woman you are every day. Let everyone around you see her too. Cherish you own brilliance, without reserve or fear of it being greater than someone else's light. The more radiant you are, the more others will be inspired to show their own splendor.

3. Love all of yourself, even the not-so-pretty parts. Accept the flaws, idiosyncrasies, and weaknesses. Love yourself for who you have been and are. Forgive yourself for decisions that were not self-supporting. Acknowledge the dark parts of your life and spirit, and love them just as they are.

4. Make decisions guided by self-love. Take actions only if they uphold your commitment to self. Always be honest about how a relationship or other situation adds to or detracts from loving ME. And if you can't be honest with yourself, ask a trusted friend to advice you --and actually listen to what this person says.

5. Change your perspective on beliefs that counter self-love. Tell those negative voices in your head to take a hike, throw the "shoulds' into the garbage, and leave the bags of guilt at the door. Be willing to believe in the possibility of new possibilities, ones that breed and nourish love.

6. Never apologize for who you are. Believe that your choices, made with integrity and love, never have to be justified to anyone else. Be confident in who you are, and never let anyone say you should be someone else.

7. Make unconditional love a requirement for all relationships. Keep only the relationships with people--partners, friends, and family--who accept, love, and support you for you. They don't have to always like, agree with, or understand you choices, or you theirs, but love in the relationship must be unwavering. Do not have relationships with people who cannot love you as you are today, whose love is condition or inconsistent. If you aren't getting unconditional love from someone you'd like to remain in your life, be willing to ask for it and to be honest about how they can give it.

8. Give and receive. One of the best parts of loving ME is getting to love other people too. Love others freely, without expectation, resentment, or attachment to the outcome.

Choosing ME

I couldn't sleep last night. I received word that I've been replaced in my ex's life. At first it didn't bother me, but then as I tried to rest my tired eyes, visions of him with her began to flood my mind. The surge of thoughts lead to a night of mixed emotions and self-reflection.

I am happy for him and I hope in many ways that I've taught him how to be a better partner. I thought about the good times I shared with him; however, I constantly reminded myself that he is still a man with a temper. It's so easy for us to sometimes focus on the good, that we forget or downplay the bad. Our brains like to tell us that the new person in our partner's life is going to get all the good stuff and more; however, this is not the case. People are people and they don't change over night. The new person will surely get the good stuff, but they will also receive all the junk and baggage that comes along with him or her.

Normally, I'm the one to jump into something after a break-up; however, this time my focus is truly on developing the relationship I have with ME. It has been two months in the "single world" and I know with each week I am becoming more capable of being content on my own.

It's at times scary to be alone; however, I feel an immense amount of courage and strength. There are times that I am lonely; however, I know that the sense of loneliness is only temporary. I want to be content with just being MJ. It's a struggle to not be on the prowl or think about if Mr. Potential is sitting next to me in the library or at a bar, but I'm working on it.

I know that I am a good partner and I know that I am capable of being a fabulous partner, if I give myself some time to be alone. I love who I am and all the horrible, wonderful and smart decisions I have made along the way. I am aware of my flaws and I strive to be a better ME. I'm living my life for ME and it might be the first time in many years that I can say without a doubt that I am not living to please anyone besides myself.

I encourage everyone to love themselves first before loving someone else. This will make you a healthy partner. Unhealthy people attract unhealthy partners. Set your standards high and don't settle because of the fear of being alone. Focus on you and God will bring the right person in during the right time.

My Little Big Sister Is Getting Married

The woman I’ve always wanted to be is getting married and I am honored to be a part of her wedding party. On August 21, 2010 my sister will share the last name of the man she has been waiting for her whole life. As I start to compile my thoughts into words for my maid-of-honor speech, I can’t help but reminisce about all the wonderful memories her and I have shared over the past 24 years.

It brings me much pleasure to know that my sister will grow old with a man who respects and adores her; a man who captures her heart and puts a twinkle in her eye. I look forward to hearing their vows, holding their future children, watching their hair turn gray and seeing their love grow stronger through life’s tribulations.

I haven’t been in much of a lovey-dovey mood lately, but I can’t deny the love my heart still aches to find. One day, I too will vow to share my life with someone who makes my life worth living. Till then, I will splurge my love upon family members and close friends. God sure does bless the broken road.

My sister and future BIL

The Kind of Woman I'd Like My Daughter 2 Be

Ever stuck between a rock and hard place? It's a place that no matter what you do you are pretty much fucked (pardon my French).

I was in one of those places this past month and I finally decided to squeeze my size 7 ass out. After much deliberation and courage, I vacated my boyfriend's home.

Now, this was not an easy task and it did not go as expected. I was informed that if I moved, the relationship was to conclude. So I left. I don't need to justify my reasons, since I still care. However, the thought of the kind of woman I'd like my future daughter to be gave me much encouragement.

No, I'm not prego and there is no one on the side. I needed a push to make a decision and the advice that I would give to my future daughter gave me the needed umf. My inner voice was telling me something and I quietly listen.

So if you are ever in one of those difficult situations, think about the advice you would give someone that means the world to you. Someone you created and invested blood, sweat and tears for. It will help you to make the best decision no matter how hard it can be.

Stronger Woman by Jewel --Listen to the song that inspired me to keep on going and to not turn the truck around.

Love This Pain

My mom might of hit the nail on the head the other night about women and pain. Sometimes women love pain. I’m not writing about masochism; however, I do know some kinky chicks that get off on that. I’m talking about mental pain that can cause a person to  feel depressed and in some ways paralyzed in their life. I like to call those moments pity parties; however, there is definitely no fun associated with those types of parties. Heavy drinking? Now that all depends upon the person.

I’m guilty of enjoying mental pain. Not causing pain to others, but indulging in it in my own life. I never realized that I have enjoyed holding onto the feeling of emptiness. I feel sorrow and at times in solitude I sulk.  It has been my guilty pleasure, my distraction from the wonderful things I have in my life. There is no real reason as to why I hold onto pain, but realizing it may help me to release it.

I’m unsure of the cure, but I think realizing that the past is the past and all you have control of is the present maybe a good start. All people are affected by their past experiences. Some people continually replay horrific or traumatic experiences in their minds. Others may continually be hard on themselves for a past action or may ponder the constant 'what if' question. All of these thoughts lead to mental pain and for some it can hinder their ability to enjoy the present. It would be wonderful if all of us could hold onto the positive experiences in our lives versus letting painful experiences flood our minds and spirits.

Pain has produced some of the most beautiful poems, literature and love songs of our time. It is what makes dramatic movies so appealing. It is something that is hard to accept and hard to let go.

What is love?

With Valentine's Day just around the corner a person can't help but think about love. Either you're in it, want it, hiding it or running from it. Whatever your current love state is, how do you know when you're in it?

I've been contemplating my status of love lately. Trying to figure out when or how I know that I love someone. Wondering if I base my state of love upon my feelings or my logic. My logical side keeps my feet on the ground so that I don't float away by infatuation and ultimately react to something that just doesn't exist.

The three words "I love you" can easily slip from my lips towards a family member or close friend; however, sending those words towards a boyfriend is a different scenario. When I was younger, I projected those words within the first month of having a boyfriend. My young naive self was in such a rush to be loved that the holding of hands and first passes over a couple bases were the closest things to feeling love.

As I've matured and had more relationships, I have started to realize what love is and what it is not. I have had more opportunity to love and be loved. With opportunity has come frugality (less desperation). The downside of this is that the lusty love that once filled my young body with butterflies, brain with romance, and afternoons with fairytale daydreams has began to disappear and with it some of the excitement that I've believed my whole life of what love can and should be. I was desperate for love as a teenager. Now as an adult, I'm content with it or without it. Of course I want it, but I'm able to live without it. And that is where I find myself today, wondering what is love? 

Is it the fear that you could not live happy without that one person in your life? Is it a feeling you can have for multiple people? Are the words "I love you" only to be said to the person you plan and can see yourself marrying? Is it just purely accepting someone for exactly how they are? Is it ok to love someone and to know they will only be in your life for a limited time? Does love give up? Is love boring? 


I guess when I think about old people who love one another and put aside all of the excitement, romance, sexual stuff....my definition would be: Love: being committed and respectful to someone you admire and accepting them for who they are. Hmm this was just something that was on my mind and I felt I needed to share it. Happy Valentine's Day everyone. May love knock on your heart and may you be able to invite it in. 

He Always Finds A Way To Come Back

What is it about exes always finding ways to come back into our lives? I swear they can sense when your life has just about completely moved on. It's like they can sense the new happiness you now share with someone else or for yourself and then they want that energy back into their own life. The only thing is they are either too scared or unsure to fully explain what their intentions are for reappearing back into our lives; which leads to uncertainty and one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride. Maybe they are just wanting to check-in and say "hello" but really that one hello can lead to hours of reminiscing. The awakening of old emotions can trample your current emotional state and cause trouble in any current relationship.

The scary thing about exes reappearing in our lives, is we've put down our guards for these people in our past and it's so easy to allow them back into our hearts. The safest bet to do is avoid their contact, be strong and not look at their Facebook profiles. Remind yourself of the bad and look at the progress you have made in your own life since they have left.

I just needed to write this down today. One of my exes has been on my mind and I can tell that every time he comes back into my life, it seems to put a damper on any current relationships I have. My current boyfriend also informed me that his ex recently contacted him. I guess the only way to perceiver over our past  loves is to communicate with one another about how we are feeling. I always tell my girlfriends, "Your exes always come back. You just need to be strong and smart enough to know what to do when they reach out for you." We can either decide to try things over again, or continue on with our lives looking for what we want.

Love Today, Don't Wait For Tomorrow

I've learned many important lessons over the past weekend, all which have to do with love. This past weekend someone in my family attempted to commit suicide.

I was extremely scared and shocked about this situation. I didn't know how to make sense of the news. I felt some guilt wondering if I had contributed to this person's decision to end his life. Here are some lessons that I have learned:

1. Express your love for those you care for each day, for tomorrow is never guaranteed

2. The Lord's strength can make your weaknesses stronger

3. When life is hard, family is all that matters

4. That I can unconditionally love no matter what the situation

5. People have secrets and fears, let those you love know they can be open and honest with you

6. Your intuition is almost always right

7. Life is not all blue skies and smiles

8. During times of grief their are moments of laughter

I've gone through hell this past weekend, but I wasn't alone. My immediate family was there too. We were there together and will be stronger because of this situation as a family.