What Do You Want In a Relationship?

Have you tossed, burned, deleted, shredded or forgotten your husband shopping list? If not, it might be time  to destroy it (read my previous blog). If you enjoy lists, I’ve come up with a new list and this one might be more beneficial in your search for finding a lasting, wonderful relationship. It’s a relationship want list, because it's not the physical details of a man that matter, but about how the two of you will be together in a relationship. 

We all want a good relationship but many of us focus too much on a list of man wants. Do you think you want a guy that is funny? YOU DON”T. What you do want is a relationship full of laughter and humor which makes you laugh and your partner laugh. Do you think you want an athletic guy? YOU DON”T. You want a relationship where you both live a healthy lifestyle. Do you think you want a guy with tattoos and motorcycle? YOU DON’T. You want a relationship with edge and excitement.  

It’s important to start looking for the type of relationship you want, instead of what kind of man you want. This might allow for you to reflect upon your own self and make you become the type of person your desired man would want. I’ve created my relationship list and it’s actually a very simple list of things that are of value to me. Start your list and soon you'll be off to having a meaningful relationship!

Dumping My Husband-Shopping List

I'll admit that I once created a list of all the qualities and attributes I wanted in a partner. Let's just say my list was not short (it was over 2 pages single spaced). Going forward with my dating life I am dumping my husband-shopping list. I am in the market for a good person with similar relationship goals, values and shared interests.

Many of you may not have a physical list, but I'm sure many of you have a list in your head. You may require your partner to have or be a certain body type, hair color, intelligence level, educational background, family structure, particular interest and the requirements or wants go on and on. The thing is some of the qualities on our lists are not important when it comes down to finding a partner to form a happy marriage with. We also might be overlooking Mr. Right because of one single insignificant thing. The real things that may be the most important are common relationship goals, values, individual needs and shared interests.

2011 Word

HUMILITY is the word I plan to incorporate into the 2011 year. Forget creating a resolution; we all know that resolutions only last so long and are bound for failure. This year I plan to attempt being selfless with my thoughts and actions. This means I plan to focus on volunteering, sensoring my mouth from derogatory conversations and being a better person in general. Not that I'm a bad person, but everyone has room for improvement.

Humilty: "the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc (Dictionary.com)."

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you all are working at something to better yourselves as well.

A Christmas Reflection

Dear Santa: I think you forgot about me. Where is Mr. Good Enough that I’ve been asking for all year? ♥ MJ

I’m so thankful the holidays will soon be behind me. The joy of Christmas appeared in short spurts of time, but was never lasting and magical. It was my first Christmas without my mother, where I was single and my immediate family did not gather on Christmas Eve. Being alone on Christmas was at times depressing; however, I experienced humility by volunteering my time with the homeless and less fortunate at the Salvation Army’s Christmas Fest. 

I did a good amount of praying before the event. I asked for the Lord to enlighten me, to calm any fears I had, to use my personality for his good and to soften my heart to those less fortunate. Boy did the Lord answer! 

That morning I shook thousands of hands and gave hugs to children and adult of all ages, sex and race. I’ve always had a fear of the homeless; however, this experience calmed my trepidation. I saw these people as individuals and not as threats. I wanted to take away their pain and to spring joy into their Holiday. I plan to spend future holidays volunteering for the Salvation Army. The experience has opened my eyes to the need in Milwaukee County and has made me realize how narrow minded I am at times towards different groups of people. 


So if life has you down, go out and do something selfless. You might learn more about who you are or find an area of your life that needs improvement. 

Oil & Water Never Mix

Note to self: oil and water never mix!

I did it again. I tried to make it work with a man who I knew from the get go was not what I was looking for. Surprised? I assume not! Why do I do this to myself? SMH

This time I dated a 'bad boy'. He was a tall, husky, biker, blue collar worker, rough on the edges, drinker and self proclaimed 'asshole'. I should of paid attention to the obvious warning signs, but my curiosity was sparked and I believed I could crack through his hard outer shell. It was only a matter of time before this guy revealed his true colors and buckled from the pressure of a sincere relationship and positive woman.

From this day on, I will be cautious to trust. I understand now why some people are reluctant to put their guards down. Some people enjoy hurting others and will simply not care when it's all said and done.

Expect Nothing Appreciate Everything

Ever been bummed because you expected to be treated a certain way or that you deserved something and never got it? Throw the words 'deserve' and 'expect' out of your mentality and you just might find the key to living a content, happy life.

It may seem like a strange philosophy but it makes logical sense when you really think about people and control. A person can really only control their own actions and thoughts. Think about all the wasted time and energy people spend trying to change other's opinions and or actions. This often leads to stress, anger and resentment. All because of some created expectations that were never mutually agreed upon.

Imagine expecting nothing and being thankful for everything. A simple text, a kind gesture, a little conversation would be wonderful. A less than satisfying backrub, cheap dinner, short meeting, awkward silence, or rainy day would also be wonderful. Anything given from someone would be like a bonus. You would have no disappointment, anger or unmet expectations. Just gratitude for something more than what you had on your own.

I felt like I should share this philosophy because lately I've heard a lot of people talk about deserving things in life and being mad about not getting them. Life has only one promise and that is death. It has taken years for me to understand this philosophy and is something I am constantly working at. It's not always easy to appreciate the bad or frustrating things or situations in life, but the burden can be lightened.

Try incorporating it into your life and I bet you will have stronger relationships and be much happier. Share your thoughts!

Cell Phone MIA

36 hours without my cell phone and I'm starting to turn into a crazy lady; well at least, one lady I'm sure thinks so.

After having my eyes dilated at Stein Optical, I returned to TJ Max where I have concluded is the last place I had my dear cell phone. I went directly to the customer service counter and started to explain my lost cell phone situation. The customer service I received from the employee was disappointing. The lady was uncompassionate and ,by the way she examined my eyes, must of thought I was on a magical acid trip. She did nothing to help me locate my cellie. This only added to my irritability. Where is an acid stip when you really need one? lol

So I did a little therapy shopping; however, the constant thought of spending $100 on a new cell phone and the starish looking lights didn't make for a good therapy session.

I'm not a happy camper right now. On the brightside 2 great things happened this week, I received a promotion at my job and my health is starting to improve. Guess I just need to suck it up and go purchase a new phone and get myself out of this rut. Life is good and sometimes minor setbacks happen.

Dinner 4 One Please

I had a first tonight. I braved going out in public to eat at a sit down restaraunt alone. It's something I've never done and, to be honest, thought was only something lonely, business people do. My experience has changed my thinking. It was actually quite liberating. I enjoyed the moments of solitude, not having to entertain someone over meaningless conversation and deal with the somewhat uncomfotable game of 'Who's Picking Up the Tab?' Tonight it was all about me and it was enjoyable. I had a craving to be out and an appetite for shephard's pie.

My mission is complete, my tummy is full, my mind is clear and my sketchbook has a few more drawings. I have an ambitious soul and I'm not waiting around for someone to do something with. If I want it, I'll get it and I won't hold back just because I'm on my own. I am my own best friend.

Sick of the Mundane? Get a Hobby

Does homework, drinking, working, television and dating seem to be some of your so called ‘hobbies’? If so, it might be time to get a real hobby. It seems that all of the above at one time have been my so called ‘hobbies’ and it only led to dissatisfaction and boredom.

Homework was always a chore, drinking caused a lot of drama, work was a bore, television was annoying and dating was stressful. I can finally say I have three hobbies: painting, running and drawing. All three bring me much pleasure, relaxation and self evaluation.

According to Dictionary.com ‘hobby’ is defined as, “an activity or interest pursued for pleasure or relaxation and not as a main occupation.”

Far from being a waste of time, having a hobby provides stress relief. It can also boost your creativity and self-esteem. Completing or adding to a project or collection can bring a sense of accomplishment and it’s a rewarding experience to share your hobby with others, as I do with my artwork. Below are some of my recent accomplishments.

"Conceal" Acrylic Painting

"My Heart" Acrylic Painting

"Silly" Drawing

"Leaving Behind" Acrylic Painting

What does it take to love yourself?

Have you ever looked in the mirror and told yourself, "I love me" or said it in your head? Do you love being you? It's a simple thing to do, but do you really love the good, bad, ugly, pretty person you have grown to become?

How often do you tell yourself?

"FML!"
"Why did you say that?"
"You're so stupid."

"You just made a fool of yourself."

"You can't do that."
"You're ugly."

All of these things are self-destructive and inflicted by the ME in all of us. Over the past couple weeks, I've evaluated my thoughts after every time I've internally said these things. At that moment, I remind myself that I love being ME.  Below is what it takes to love being you by Christine Arylo in her book, "Choosing ME before WE". I couldn't agree more and I just had to share. Discover how loving yourself can ignite the spirit within you!

1. Be Your Own Best Friend. Love hanging out with you. When you re deeply connected to ME, there's no reason to fear being alone. Honestly believe the following: "I would rather be companion less than with others who take away from how great I feel about ME, whether this refers to family, friends or a man."

2. See your magnificence and beauty. Embrace the amazing woman you are every day. Let everyone around you see her too. Cherish you own brilliance, without reserve or fear of it being greater than someone else's light. The more radiant you are, the more others will be inspired to show their own splendor.

3. Love all of yourself, even the not-so-pretty parts. Accept the flaws, idiosyncrasies, and weaknesses. Love yourself for who you have been and are. Forgive yourself for decisions that were not self-supporting. Acknowledge the dark parts of your life and spirit, and love them just as they are.

4. Make decisions guided by self-love. Take actions only if they uphold your commitment to self. Always be honest about how a relationship or other situation adds to or detracts from loving ME. And if you can't be honest with yourself, ask a trusted friend to advice you --and actually listen to what this person says.

5. Change your perspective on beliefs that counter self-love. Tell those negative voices in your head to take a hike, throw the "shoulds' into the garbage, and leave the bags of guilt at the door. Be willing to believe in the possibility of new possibilities, ones that breed and nourish love.

6. Never apologize for who you are. Believe that your choices, made with integrity and love, never have to be justified to anyone else. Be confident in who you are, and never let anyone say you should be someone else.

7. Make unconditional love a requirement for all relationships. Keep only the relationships with people--partners, friends, and family--who accept, love, and support you for you. They don't have to always like, agree with, or understand you choices, or you theirs, but love in the relationship must be unwavering. Do not have relationships with people who cannot love you as you are today, whose love is condition or inconsistent. If you aren't getting unconditional love from someone you'd like to remain in your life, be willing to ask for it and to be honest about how they can give it.

8. Give and receive. One of the best parts of loving ME is getting to love other people too. Love others freely, without expectation, resentment, or attachment to the outcome.

Choosing ME

I couldn't sleep last night. I received word that I've been replaced in my ex's life. At first it didn't bother me, but then as I tried to rest my tired eyes, visions of him with her began to flood my mind. The surge of thoughts lead to a night of mixed emotions and self-reflection.

I am happy for him and I hope in many ways that I've taught him how to be a better partner. I thought about the good times I shared with him; however, I constantly reminded myself that he is still a man with a temper. It's so easy for us to sometimes focus on the good, that we forget or downplay the bad. Our brains like to tell us that the new person in our partner's life is going to get all the good stuff and more; however, this is not the case. People are people and they don't change over night. The new person will surely get the good stuff, but they will also receive all the junk and baggage that comes along with him or her.

Normally, I'm the one to jump into something after a break-up; however, this time my focus is truly on developing the relationship I have with ME. It has been two months in the "single world" and I know with each week I am becoming more capable of being content on my own.

It's at times scary to be alone; however, I feel an immense amount of courage and strength. There are times that I am lonely; however, I know that the sense of loneliness is only temporary. I want to be content with just being MJ. It's a struggle to not be on the prowl or think about if Mr. Potential is sitting next to me in the library or at a bar, but I'm working on it.

I know that I am a good partner and I know that I am capable of being a fabulous partner, if I give myself some time to be alone. I love who I am and all the horrible, wonderful and smart decisions I have made along the way. I am aware of my flaws and I strive to be a better ME. I'm living my life for ME and it might be the first time in many years that I can say without a doubt that I am not living to please anyone besides myself.

I encourage everyone to love themselves first before loving someone else. This will make you a healthy partner. Unhealthy people attract unhealthy partners. Set your standards high and don't settle because of the fear of being alone. Focus on you and God will bring the right person in during the right time.

ca•pa•ble

–adjective 1. having power and ability; efficient; competent: a capable instructor.
—Idiom 2. capable of,
a. having the ability or capacity for: a man capable of judging art.
b. open to the influence or effect of; susceptible of: a situation capable of improvement.
c. predisposed to; inclined to: capable of murder.

Capable:the word that seems to sum up my current state of mind and lifestyle. I am independent, self sufficient and able to do as I please. For majority of my life, I have been dependent upon someone for money and attention. Alas, I've reached the point in my life where I can provide both on my own (applause). Instead of wishing I had someone to do something with, I'm out there doing it on my own and meeting people. Instead of depending on someone to help me pay my bills or bar tab, I'm paying it.

Everyone is capable of becoming the person they have always wanted to be, but many of us put off our abilities because of fear, laziness and rejection. Well I've noticed a spark within me and I've set it ablaze. I refuse to let fear, laziness and rejection stop me from reaching beyond my full potential and I hope to inspire others to be capable.

“If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves.” Thomas A. Edison

"Never limit your boundary of aim, it stops you to achieve higher."-Anonymous

"Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin." -Anonymous

"Imagine what you want.
Think of it with passion.
Feel it within yourself and feel the joy of it being achieved by you.
I assure you,
you will have it."
-The Secret

Escaping Coupledom

I am alone and happy. The search for coupledom is off and getting in-touch with me is on!

My ability to blog has been limited, due to me cutting my dependency on Time Warner for the next month. This new found freedom has allowed for me to be productive with my time. The artist within me has been revived and now my thougths and feelings are brushed upon canvas and drawn on paper. In addition to art, I spend my time reading, jogging and I've been expanding my wardrobe. I must admit, I'm in love with skinny jeans and knee high boots. I’m back in control of my life and I’m not ready to attach it to someone else's.

I’m going to try and take a couple months off  from finding a partner. Now that is a challenge, because I'm a lover and enjoy sharing my life with others. My next relationship is going to happen, because it just does. Not because I put my life on hold or because I make all these accommodations to have it be available to someone. I’m in my prime and I’m happy with who I am.

I recently finished the book, “Be Honest-You’re Not That Into Him Either” by Ian Kerner and it has made me realize that I get hung up on men that I never wanted to date in the first place. I lower my standards without even realizing it. I end up settling because they like me, they want my time or because I start to care; however, the whole time I’m in the relationship knowing that it’s not what I want. Kerner’s take away from the book is simple and this:

“Trust yourself. Trust your instincts. Don’t get wrapped up in finding or keeping a man, resorting to rules and tactics and playing the number game. Learn to stop succumbing to the pressure to achieve coupledom. That way, when the real thing comes along, you will be ready, willing, and able to jump in with both feet, not caught on some infernal treadmill where you wouldn’t know the real thing if it slapped you in the fanny pack.”
 
So I give up! I'm done. I love men and one day I'm going to have an amazing relationship. In the meantime, I'm going to live an amazing life on my own.

Deciding What I Want

For many years, I've believed that if I was alone that it meant I was undesirable. Now at the age of 24, I know that this is not the case. I'd rather be alone wishing I was in a great relationship, than to be in a mediocre relationship wishing I was single.

I'm figuring out what I want in life and the type of person I'd like to spend it with. Right now my focus is upon me and eventually a special someone will fit into my life. I've noticed that when I'm not in a relationship that I am capable of almost anything. On my own I seem to have less, but in so many ways I have more. More opportunity and freedom. The tricky part is to not get sidetracked and caught up in something that deep down I know isn't what I want.

I'm Just Looking For A Good Time

I was ready for bed when the door of my apartment sprang open and in walked a friend. I was grabbed by the hand and forced to go out to the bar. Now this is exactly what I did not want to happen on my Wednesday night.  I've been lately programmed to be a housewife. I like to work, come home, make dinner, read a book and go to sleep. So tonight threw off my routine. Zapped me back into being 24 and single. SINGLE! Wow kind of weird to admit.

I was under the assumption that tonight would be one drink. Well one drink lead to 6 shots of apple gut rot and two talk mixers. Let's just say, "I'm feeling dandy as candy" right now. It was a strange feeling to have men engaging with me and feeling a sense of freedom. I have no interest in anyone at the moment, but it was nice to be out. It felt foreign but in many way liberating.

So right now, I'm just looking for a good time. No strings, commitments, drama or physical attention. Just good conversation and silliness. It's nice to just be me.

My Little Big Sister Is Getting Married

The woman I’ve always wanted to be is getting married and I am honored to be a part of her wedding party. On August 21, 2010 my sister will share the last name of the man she has been waiting for her whole life. As I start to compile my thoughts into words for my maid-of-honor speech, I can’t help but reminisce about all the wonderful memories her and I have shared over the past 24 years.

It brings me much pleasure to know that my sister will grow old with a man who respects and adores her; a man who captures her heart and puts a twinkle in her eye. I look forward to hearing their vows, holding their future children, watching their hair turn gray and seeing their love grow stronger through life’s tribulations.

I haven’t been in much of a lovey-dovey mood lately, but I can’t deny the love my heart still aches to find. One day, I too will vow to share my life with someone who makes my life worth living. Till then, I will splurge my love upon family members and close friends. God sure does bless the broken road.

My sister and future BIL

Patience the Companion of Wisdom

Patience seems to be a virtue I have struggled to acquire. In this rapid world of instant solutions, microwave ovens and high speed Internet, it seems that patience is a wise lesson many of us don't seem to learn and quite frankly don't make time for.Without patience, we seem to find ourselves overly stressed and lacking in anything significant. Patience is about accepting the present moment and waiting out the future.

Waiting out the future seems to be where I want to start pulling out my hair and grinding my teeth. It's as if, I want to figure out the end of the story or problem by skipping all the steps it takes to get to the solution or outcome. This ultimately leads to me being dissatisfied. 

The good things in life take time. Pain and suffering need to come along the way, so that we can experience bliss. The reason is because pleasure isn't as enjoyable without the pain, so we have to be patient and endure our lives and accept our situations to be able to experience the bliss that will come in time.

Right now, I'm in a transition period and I have to be patient. I don't want to be. However, I know that I'll find exactly what I'm looking for in a career, home and love life if I am. It's hard for me to sometimes take my own advice; however, it's something I must do.

"Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.” -Anonymous

Couch Snuggler

When I'm sad, I'm a straight up couch snuggler. Ever realize that a couch is almost like a perfect partner to spoon with? If you enjoy being 'little spoon' this is the place meant for you.

A couch is shaped like an 'L' and supports your back, while allowing your body to sink into its cushions. It doesn't squirm, steal the covers or stick to you, not unless it's leather. The only downer is that it may decide to part its cushions and devour a part of your body. lol

The last three nights, I've found my partner to be the couch. If you are feeling lonely at night snuggle up to a good book, television show or movie and allow you body to relax on the couch. It just might help you to get a good night's rest.

The Kind of Woman I'd Like My Daughter 2 Be

Ever stuck between a rock and hard place? It's a place that no matter what you do you are pretty much fucked (pardon my French).

I was in one of those places this past month and I finally decided to squeeze my size 7 ass out. After much deliberation and courage, I vacated my boyfriend's home.

Now, this was not an easy task and it did not go as expected. I was informed that if I moved, the relationship was to conclude. So I left. I don't need to justify my reasons, since I still care. However, the thought of the kind of woman I'd like my future daughter to be gave me much encouragement.

No, I'm not prego and there is no one on the side. I needed a push to make a decision and the advice that I would give to my future daughter gave me the needed umf. My inner voice was telling me something and I quietly listen.

So if you are ever in one of those difficult situations, think about the advice you would give someone that means the world to you. Someone you created and invested blood, sweat and tears for. It will help you to make the best decision no matter how hard it can be.

Stronger Woman by Jewel --Listen to the song that inspired me to keep on going and to not turn the truck around.

Why Hate?

Why do some people in relationships have to get to the point of hating each other to leave each other? It boggles my mind.

I think if two people care for each other and the relationship becomes sour they should be able to discuss their concerns and logically understand why the relationship is drawing to a close. Instead, many couples engage in huge arguments and take cheap blows over things that are not the core problem within the relationship. It’s as if ruining a relationship forever, is easier than communicating to each other that it’s just not working.

EPHIPHANY ALERT! Aw there is my answer. I think it’s easier to hate someone you love for inadequate reasons, than to accept that you and this person would be happier with someone else. Maybe there truly is “a thin line between love & hate". 

I think it’s completely possible to walk away from a broken relationship and to not hate or despise your partner. Sadness and anger may linger because the bond you once shared has changed; but, hatred should not. Now if your boyfriend or girlfriend is leaving you for your sister or best friend, than I’d likely call them a ‘whore’ and consider hatred. However, to hate because someone is not happy is foolish.

My mom once said to me, “You can choose to be miserable for a short part of your life or for the rest of you life.” When I can see myself being unhappy as an old married woman, I get scared. I don’t want to be miserable. I want to be joyful, respectful, faithful and lovingful (did you like my new word lol?). I am aware that things won’t always be peachy, but there are some things we all can choose to tolerate or not tolerate in a relationship.

So alas comes where I tell you why I have been pondering this question. Well my relationship has drawn sour and I feel that things are about to get ugly. I am no saint, but I feel that I’ve used up all my resources. I’m to the point of being mad at myself for staying in the relationship. It seems that communication really is the key to a successful relationship and I seem to constantly be talking to a wall.

If anything, I’m becoming wiser, less open and more focused upon myself.

So how do you deal with the 'hate phase'?
This is when you want to just scream because your rage feels boundless. The amount of anger you feel depends on how antagonistic the split was, the circumstances, and how long it took to make the final break. You may resent your ex for wasting your time. You may realize that the breakup was inevitable (hindsight will reveal clues you failed to notice at the time). You may even feel a lot of anger towards yourself, but let go of that feeling fast! It's a waste of time and energy to rip yourself apart over something you no longer have the power to change. There are so many positive things you can do with your emotions and energy. Although it may feel good to replace your feelings of love towards your ex with hate, this can still lead to complications and mixed emotions of love and hate which are never a good thing.