Never Temporary, Permanent

The following poem was wrote  on 6/15/2010. I miss writing poetry and realize I should continue and start sharing my inner thoughts and poems with the world. This poem was about a man I dated briefly in college and could not seem to get over.

I plan to create music going forth with my poetry. Thank you for reading!


My love is permanent, never temporary
Once etched deep into my heart,
I am unable to remove it no matter how hard I rub
No matter how I try to move on.
You always seem to linger in my mind



There is a yearning within my soul
A wound that I am unable to stitch closed
A scab that seems to never mend
For its healing kiss is no where to be found


Thoughts of you torment me each day
I can’t have you, but I want you
It drives me mad
If only I could stop this pain
Destroy this intense desire


Why do I have to be a hopeless believer?
I can’t seem to douse this spark
I’ve tried to smolder the flame
But it continues to glow
Holding onto hope that one day it will burst into a furious fire
If only I could have you back
If only we could love without holding back
Gosh this love kills me

Why did I have to love you?
Why do I allow you to paralyze me?
Thoughts of you tug so strongly on my mind
You haunt my dreams
You’re my spirits guilty pleasure
An anchor that refuses to release me

Lose Yourself to Find Yourself

Today I started the official countdown till my big move to Texas. I have 29 amazing days left to live in Wisconsin!!

My time is now limited, but the opportunities that lie ahead for me are limitless. What I’m looking forward to the most is: losing myself. It might sound odd, but through traveling I have learned to be confident in who I am. I have become aware of my strengths and become well aware of my weaknesses. Let’s just say, I have no real sense of navigational direction and I now put my trust in the faithful Garmin!

I grew up in a family where my parents didn’t take us outside of the county limits much. Likely because my siblings and I weren’t little angels and because raising 5 children on a middle-class salary didn’t leave much money for family vacations. When I would encounter places outside of the bubble I lived in, I felt awkward and scared. I depended upon material possessions and people I knew to define who I was.

After experiencing new places and being away from the familiar I lost myself. At first it was frightening, but with time it became liberating! Through losing myself, I have found myself. The person I have found isn’t defined by her possessions, rather by her character, integrity, creativity and faith.

I encourage you to lose yourself, take a risk, take a chance, and POP the bubble you live in.

Single Gal in the City: SAT Here I Come

I've been wanting to embark on a new chapter in my life and I have seized the perfect opportunity! I am going to be a corporate trainer in San Antonio, Texas. Yeeehaaaw!  I am thrilled for the new career opportunity, warmer weather and change of venue.

I've decided to start anew. I'm taking myself, Beast (my cat) and only the belongings that will fit in my vehicle. Everything else must go!

The desire of moving away to a far away city for the past few years is finally happening! 6 weeks till the official move.

Half Way to 52

Wow! I'll soon be 26 and that means I will pass the life period of being categorized as 'young'. 26 years-old  of age means I'm half way to 52, too old to be naive, too young to be ancient, yet ready to embrace the prime of my life. When I think about all of the opportunity that is set before me, I feel anxious and lucky!

I'm educated, have a foundation for a career, no kids, hobbies and the ability to financially do whatever I set my mind to. Now is the time to set out and conquer my solo missions. If I meet someone along the way that enjoys the path I have chosen, he's welcome to join. If not, I'm happy to conquer my life conquests on my own knowing that I'm learning more about myself and becoming a better partner.

Last year I set out to travel around the United States. This year I plan to travel around the United States and the world. The following year, I plan to settle down in an area I see a career and opportuity to grow a family. I'm excited for my next chapter in life! Bring it on!!!

With Age Comes Wisdom

Below is some advice from an elderly woman, Maya Angelou, who was interviewed by Oprah about growing older. On television, she said it was 'exciting...' Regarding body changes she said there were many, occurring every day and that her breasts ‘seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist first!
Maya Angelou also said this:

'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'

'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back...'

'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.'

'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug or just a friendly pat on the back...'

'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.'

'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'

Maya Angelou

Less Talk & More Action

Life is too short to be miserable. Get off your behind and start living! Want to travel and see the world? Want to lose some weight? Want to be happy? Want to find the love of your life? Want to let go of all the crap that holds you back in life? Then do it! “Less talk and more action” should be everyone’s 2012 resolution.

Last year, I set a goal of 5 trips around the United States and at first I thought that goal would be near impossible, but then as I was traveling I realized it was attainable. I wasn’t financially strained or stressed because I made it a priority in my life.

In 2012, I plan to travel someplace new every two months. 2 of the 6 trips will be outside of the country. I have one life to live and I’m going to see the world! I’m sick of people saying they wish they could do something, be something or see something and then they never do it. That’s just useless energy.

We aren’t getting any younger so utilize your youth, talents and the gifts given and make things happen. The past is the past. Today there is an opportunity. The future is uncertain; however, when the future is here I plan to look back upon my life and know I accomplished having a life filled with adventure, joy and a few good scares to tell the stories.

Next stop Denver, Colorado for some snowboarding in the mountains. What do you want to do? Do it today!

Dreaming Big

If you would of asked me a year and a half ago if I would ever put my knack for art to use, I would of told you, ''Likely never.'' I have come far from that mentality and can now proudly say, "I am an established artist!"

Thank God I ran past a thrown out artist table. Thank God I went through a rough break-up and thank God I got sick from my Ulcerative Colitis. If these three events wouldn't of happened in 2010, I would of never fostered my talent for painting.

I set out this year to paint one picture each month, to showcase my work to the public and to start a fan site. The reaction from my friends, family and fans has exceeded my expectations! I am ecstatic to see what wonderful opportunities lie ahead for my work.

I think everyone has a talent or desire to do something big in their lives and I hope that my story will inspire others to take a chance on their potential. We only get one life to live and I sure as hell don't want to look back on it with regrets and wondering 'What if?'

Photo Courtesy of Dean's Photography

My life is not perfect and it's not always glamours, but it's vibrant, positive and all mine. The passion for creating art has been ignited. Thank you for reading this. I hope I can share a portion of my joy with you.

Girls' Getaway

Singing till your vocal chords hurt, laughing till you cry, screaming because you can, snorting while you laugh, sharing random thoughts, acting strange in public, being a little over-the-top and embracing the beautiful female you are is exactly why every woman needs to sometimes grab a close girlfriend and get the hell out of town!

In 4 hours one of my closest friends and I will be doing all of the above. In addition, acting at times very not so 'lady like' and taking plenty of photos that will likely never see the light of Facebook.

I have enough outfits, bathroom supplies and entertainment crap in my car to keep two women looking and feeling good for a month; however, we're only leaving for 4 days. Gosh how we women always over pack and will still realize that we've forgotten some necessary item.

Our destination is Nashville, TN. We have no set agenda, obligations or hotel accommodations. The only requirement is fun, excitement, cowgirl boots, cowgirl hats on after we cross the Illinois border and that we keep the trip affordable.

I'm excited and I know, that when I'm older, I will look back upon this experience and miss being young and free. Free from the attachments that my 20 something life yearns for.

A Purpose

My cousin, Eugene Selje, passed away Thursday night from a heart attack. He contracted HIV a number of years ago and the virus was very aggressive to his body over the past year. He told my Aunt that he felt he had no purpose in life. When she informed me of this, I felt great sadness for him. I could imagine feeling this way when you realize that your health is fading and the hope of tomorrow becomes a luxury of pain and sickness.

My cousin and I lived a thousand miles apart; however, I always felt a connection with him. The virus he had did not deter my love; if anything, it strengthen it because I witnessed his strength and inner beauty. I never thought HIV or AIDS would affect someone I cared about, let alone a family member. I always imagined it to be a virus we were warned about in high school, but would never come into contact with.

Gene may of felt that he didn't have a purpose near the end of his life, but in many ways his passing may of been one of God's purposes. I know since his passing, I've made it a point to be more alive. To love a little deeper, acknowledge those around me, take in the air I'm breathing, spend more time with the Lord, sing a little louder, cry when I feel down, and take in the beauty that surrounds me. I've been looking at things a little differently and I know right now, I have a purpose and a potential to do great things.

God has many purposes for my life and I look forward to completing them. I've been reading the book, 'A Purpose Driven Life' by Rick Warren. I'm into day #18 of the 40 days and it helps me to understand and want to fulfill God’s purposes for putting me on earth.

I am thankful for today and love my cousin, Gene. If you are looking for your purpose, check out this book.

Hello Familiar Friend,

I didn’t miss you. I didn’t wish that the day would come where you would return and hold my hand so tightly. That your footsteps would walk in sync with mine no matter how fast I try to run. Your grasp at times feels paralyzing. Numbing my mood and forcing me to fake a smile.

Your silent words taunt me and create visions that make my stomach turn. You make me doubt my decisions, make me feel pity for the person I see in the mirror, have taken my recent dreams and torn them apart.

At times I feel like I can escape you; however, you are there each night I lie awake in bed. You are there each time my phone rings and are the reminder that wakes me each morning.

I won’t let you break me and I will not let you allow me to fall apart. I fully accept you back into my life. I know that your presence is temporary. I know with time, the force of your grasp will become my strength. You will become the beam that draws the next wonderful person into the light of my life. I know what I am capable of and I know what I can provide.

I saved a little love for myself and I welcome you, Loneliness!

Sincerely,

Mary Jean

Confession: I'm a Cat Lover

So I had a heart to heart with my cat the other day. Yup, I guess I can now be stereotyped with all the other crazy cat lovers out in this world.

I was laying in bed reading before bed, while Beast (my cat) was doing everything possible to steal my attention. After he walked over my tummy three times, nibbled on my pen, climbed on my shoulder and squirmed his way into the 9 inches between my body and book, I looked down at him and said, "Beast, I love you and I'm never going to give up on you." I put down my book and looked into his beautiful yellow eyes and pet his soft gray head.

I realized that night how much I care and love my little Beastie. I've never been one to care much for animals. I always felt that people who post pictures of their animals at work or on Facebook were freaks. Well I guess I can now be categorized with them. Beast and I are a package deal for as long as he lives. I can only hope cats do live to have 9 lives and that I get 8 more out of him.

Taking care of my little furball has added much joy to my life.

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."- Ellen Perry Berkeley

Happiness Check-Up

We are all searching for happiness in life; however, the moment we find it it changes and we have to constantly work at keeping it. If you have been having a hard time holding onto happiness, then maybe it's time for an honest happiness check-up.

On a scale of 0 to 10, how fulfilled and satisfied are you in these eight major life areas? (10 is completely fulfilled, with nothing left out).

Fun and Recreation
Health and Fitness
Career
Money
Friends and Family
Significant Other and Romance
Physical Environment
Spirituality or Personal Growth

Do you have an unobstructed path to attaining fulfillment in these areas? Is your head and heart aligned or does it feel that you want to achieve something in life; however, you're heading in the completely opposite direction?

After taking this assessment, I have to say my happiness meter is averaging at a 6. So where do I go from here? Well I asked myself two questions:

1. What do I want in life?
2. What can I do to attain it?

Well I want to have a family, be an established artist and experience different areas of the country/world. Now comes the hard part, making the right choices to achieve all three things. The feelings of excitement and fear fill me at the thought.

For the family: I’m not going to rush anything and pray that God will help guide my relationship into the direction he would like it to go.

For becoming an established artist: Launch my artist website August 1st and make steady progress with my work while continuing to hold it down at my full-time job. I’m going to be an official business owner!!

For traveling and seeing the world: I’m going to just start saving money. Whether it’s for a vacation or a move to some place new, a little pocket of money would do me good.

Stamp This, Canada!

Damn where has the time gone? I've been one busy lady over the past three months and blogging just hasn't fit into my schedule. Balancing my love for creating art, raising a cat (yup I have a furry roomie), recovering from a car accident, building a new relationship, jogging often, climbing the corporate ladder and planning trips have been my focus. No matter how busy my life seems to get, I take a good amount of time each day to be alone and do something for myself.

I set out this year to experience the United States and this Wednesday I'll be taking a roadtip out East. The bonus to this trip: CANADA! I sure hope they stamp my  passport when I cross the border. I've never been out of the country and I think the experience is long past over due. I'm imagining Canada to be filled with wilderness, French accents and historic culture. I don't know if Canadians love Americans, but if not, I'll be the first one they will learn to love!

After this trip, I will need to take 2 more before 2012 comes a knocking on my door. I set out on a mission this year and I can't wait to look back upon this year with a better understanding of who I am and the people and places that make our country so wonderful!

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."-Henry David Thoreau

Like Mother, Like Daughter

Ever realize that the older you get the more you start to turn into one or both of your parents? If you're like most people, you probably said to yourself at least once during your childhood or teen years: “I'm never going to behave like my mother!" Well it's time for me to fess up: I'M TURNING INTO MY MOTHER!! *smiles* Oh how the rebellious teenager within me would be so ashamed.

I recently returned from a vacation with my mother and her friends in Southern Georgia and there were several moments that I thought: "Mom did you really have to say that, do that or request that?" But then it dawned on me, I would of said the same thing, did the same thing or requested the same item. WAY TO GO MOM! Why did I seem so judgmental?

She has a way of bringing quirkiness into dull conversations, certainly to uncertain moments, strength during times of weakness, positivity when things seems downbeat and gives without needing praise or focusing too much on the aspect of money. As I've aged, my relationship with my mother has blossomed into a great friendship. I enjoy sharing stories with her about my goals, troubles, insecurities and triumphs, because it allows for me to hear similar stories about her own life before I even existed. It’s intriguing to learn the reasons behind the decisions she made to get through life’s tribulations.

I will forever cherish the moments I have to share with my mother. She is an amazing woman who has made many sacrifices to provide a stable environment for my siblings and I. She has paved a solid path for me to build my life upon. We really are a product of our parents. Raise your children well and love them unconditionally. I love you mom!





Exploration Begins Today

2011 is going to be my year to get out of the Midwest and explore the U.S!

I've vowed to take 5 vacations this year and I don't care if I end up taking them solo. Like I've previously mentioned in other posts, I'm not waiting around anymore for someone to do things with. I'm living my life for today and doing exactly what I want within my own means.

In four hours I'll be boarding a plane and heading to Austin, TX. Yeee haa!! Bring on the southern accents, cowboys, rodeos, warm weather and change of scenery.

This will be the first time I've ever flown alone. I'm facinated with the thought of being completely on my own and away from the comforts of my familiar life in Southeastern Wisconsin.

So if you've been itching to getaway, why wait? Stop pushing off exploration and do it today!

Screw Protecting Your Heart

My calloused heart has turned soft and I'm ready to invite love back into my life. Screw playing childish games. You’re never going to find what you want if you’re not your authentic self.

I've recently reentered the dating scene and, for the most part, I've seen and met several potential men. However, I've noticed I do a lot of self protecting. For example: when my close friends ask how a date went I’ve responded, "It went great. However, he works too much, isn’t tall enough and might be the player type.” My choice in words and train of thought have allowed for me to come off as if I don't really care if it works out or not; however in hindsight, I do hope and want it to work out. Self protecting makes me feel that the world won't know if I end up disappointed or rejected.

So from now on, I'm going to be honest about what I want and I'm going to tell my friends and family how much I hope things will work out with my dates. I'm going to be my authentic self and with every failure turn up the dial on hope. If you want love you can't just reveal a smidgen of it, you have to open the whole door. And if you get hurt, so be it. We will likely get hurt either way if we had opened it or kept it closed.

Self protection lowers your hope. It's also a straight up lie to yourself. You're pretending that you don't want something you really truly want and that's foolish. You have to take chances with finding what you want in life. You also have to be your authentic self; otherwise, the person falling for you is actually falling for the person you want them to perceive you to be.

Through the years we have all been hurt and our hope for incredible love starts to fade. I challenge you to rediscover the scary world of hope if you want true love. Wear your heart on your sleeve and with each day or date you'll be closer to finding a partner that will match your wants and lifestyle.

I'm one day closer to having mi media naranja, which means 'my half orange' in Spanish, used to describe someone's beautiful, perfect other half.

"Get the Hell Out"- from Grandma

(I wrote this entry August 4th, 2010 and I felt inclined to post it. It may give someone strength to make a tough decision for their future. Sometimes we have to go through hard times to find great times. I'm happy to say I'm standing on my own two feet again.)

So I never admitted it on this blog, but I moved in with my now ex-boyfriend. I've always believed that a man and woman should wait till marriage or engagement to shack up.  However, I needed to touch the flame to know it was hot. This situation didn't fit the 'mefocused' theme and I let it slide from the page, but now I feel inclined to share.

The warm flame extinguished last night when I made it clear that today was my day to vacate. I did this because the more I learned about him, the more I knew I and any future kids (in my eyes) would be walking on egg shells. Before I even moved in, I knew something was not right; however, denial and the hope of love changing things made me think otherwise. His temper grew and with it my longing to escape. I care very deeply for this guy, but I realize this is not what I want out of a partner.

So I left. I feel horrible, miserable, sad, exhausted and unsure about my future; however, I know that I'll persevere. With Patience and time my heart will mend and I'll be back solid on my own two feet.

When your inner voice tells you to run you should get the fuck out! Or as my grandma said from her hospital bed, "Get the hell out!" Now those are words from a wise woman who has experienced a lifetime of disappointment and tough decisions.

What Do You Want In a Relationship?

Have you tossed, burned, deleted, shredded or forgotten your husband shopping list? If not, it might be time  to destroy it (read my previous blog). If you enjoy lists, I’ve come up with a new list and this one might be more beneficial in your search for finding a lasting, wonderful relationship. It’s a relationship want list, because it's not the physical details of a man that matter, but about how the two of you will be together in a relationship. 

We all want a good relationship but many of us focus too much on a list of man wants. Do you think you want a guy that is funny? YOU DON”T. What you do want is a relationship full of laughter and humor which makes you laugh and your partner laugh. Do you think you want an athletic guy? YOU DON”T. You want a relationship where you both live a healthy lifestyle. Do you think you want a guy with tattoos and motorcycle? YOU DON’T. You want a relationship with edge and excitement.  

It’s important to start looking for the type of relationship you want, instead of what kind of man you want. This might allow for you to reflect upon your own self and make you become the type of person your desired man would want. I’ve created my relationship list and it’s actually a very simple list of things that are of value to me. Start your list and soon you'll be off to having a meaningful relationship!

Dumping My Husband-Shopping List

I'll admit that I once created a list of all the qualities and attributes I wanted in a partner. Let's just say my list was not short (it was over 2 pages single spaced). Going forward with my dating life I am dumping my husband-shopping list. I am in the market for a good person with similar relationship goals, values and shared interests.

Many of you may not have a physical list, but I'm sure many of you have a list in your head. You may require your partner to have or be a certain body type, hair color, intelligence level, educational background, family structure, particular interest and the requirements or wants go on and on. The thing is some of the qualities on our lists are not important when it comes down to finding a partner to form a happy marriage with. We also might be overlooking Mr. Right because of one single insignificant thing. The real things that may be the most important are common relationship goals, values, individual needs and shared interests.

2011 Word

HUMILITY is the word I plan to incorporate into the 2011 year. Forget creating a resolution; we all know that resolutions only last so long and are bound for failure. This year I plan to attempt being selfless with my thoughts and actions. This means I plan to focus on volunteering, sensoring my mouth from derogatory conversations and being a better person in general. Not that I'm a bad person, but everyone has room for improvement.

Humilty: "the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc (Dictionary.com)."

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you all are working at something to better yourselves as well.