Love This Pain

My mom might of hit the nail on the head the other night about women and pain. Sometimes women love pain. I’m not writing about masochism; however, I do know some kinky chicks that get off on that. I’m talking about mental pain that can cause a person to  feel depressed and in some ways paralyzed in their life. I like to call those moments pity parties; however, there is definitely no fun associated with those types of parties. Heavy drinking? Now that all depends upon the person.

I’m guilty of enjoying mental pain. Not causing pain to others, but indulging in it in my own life. I never realized that I have enjoyed holding onto the feeling of emptiness. I feel sorrow and at times in solitude I sulk.  It has been my guilty pleasure, my distraction from the wonderful things I have in my life. There is no real reason as to why I hold onto pain, but realizing it may help me to release it.

I’m unsure of the cure, but I think realizing that the past is the past and all you have control of is the present maybe a good start. All people are affected by their past experiences. Some people continually replay horrific or traumatic experiences in their minds. Others may continually be hard on themselves for a past action or may ponder the constant 'what if' question. All of these thoughts lead to mental pain and for some it can hinder their ability to enjoy the present. It would be wonderful if all of us could hold onto the positive experiences in our lives versus letting painful experiences flood our minds and spirits.

Pain has produced some of the most beautiful poems, literature and love songs of our time. It is what makes dramatic movies so appealing. It is something that is hard to accept and hard to let go.

SCREAM and Let It Out

I literally SCREAMED as loud as I could twice today and it felt AMAZING! The sensation I had afterward made me smile and giggle.

I needed to just release all the bulls-shit that has been on my mind lately. All day I had stressful thoughts and emotions going threw my brain. It was starting to make me feel depressed and sick. I just needed to free myself from this tension but I didn't know how. I thought to scream at the top of my lungs while staring at my computer in my cubicle; but that would have resulted in the entire second floor of Kohl's thinking I was dying or crazy.

So after work while I was doing 75 on the freeway, I looked around me to ensure no other drivers could see me and I just let my windshield have it! I let my INNER BITCH ROAR and it felt oh so good. I actually surprised myself at how loud my scream was. The raspyness in my vocal cords came together into one loud tone and my diaphragm tightened. It was a feeling that I have not felt since I was a child screaming because things weren't going my way.

After the first scream I smiled and felt the need to just give it one more scream! After the second scream, I giggled and I felt a sense of peace. As if I had just overcome something triumphant.

I felt instantly like I was back in control of my life. I have been wanting to scream for the past couple weeks. I was just too concerned with how others would interpret or react to my scream, so I put it off and assumed it was just foolish.

So if you have stress and crap going on in your life: SCREAM! If you feel like your starting to lose yourself in this great big world: SCREAM! Find a secluded spot and just let it out. You just might be happy you did. Make sure to share you experience with someone close to you.

My Teenage Good Idea Dissapearing

I may appear to be confident and to have no physical insecurities, but do not let my outgoing personality fool you. I have imperfections, parts of my body I would like to change and a crooked tattoo of the letter 'M' located on my mid-right bicep that I am ashamed of. The tattoo was one of my rebellious 'good ideas' I had with two of my girlfriends at the age of 13.

We were going to be 'Best Friends For Life' and we stabbed our first initial from our first names into our arms to prove it. We used a pen, sewing needle, thread an some cheap Indio ink from Spencer’s Gifts to create the tattoos.

At the time, a blood oath just wasn't rebellious enough. I mainly liked the idea that I could appear to be older with a tattoo. I sported my prison looking tattoo with pride the first two years. My bad ass tattoo wasn't cool for very long. By the time I became 17, I realized that this tattoo didn't make me look older; it made me look like a young punk who was raised in the ghetto. I wanted it removed or else covered but I couldn't afford to have it removed and wasn't legally an adult to get a professional tattoo. So I just had to live with it.

Thank fully, I never gave into having a tattoo placed over the 'M'. After 7 years of waiting, I went to the Cosmetic Laser Center and had my first laser tattoo removal procedure. The laser didn't hurt too bad and I can already see the tattoo dissolving into my skin. I feel an immense amount of pride to be able to have this tattoo removed for myself. I have been hiding my arm from the world for too long and I can't wait to not feel ashamed of my body.

So if you have been hiding something about yourself: get it fixed or work on improving that area of your body. We only get one body, one lifetime to live, and should never be ashamed of what we look like. I feel like this is one of the best gifts I can give to myself right now. I will forever have the 'M' scar, but have gained an appreciation for my natural self. Also, it’s a story for my future children about why not to get a tattoo or why it’s important to wait till you can have one done professionally.

As Old As The Amount Of Candles In A Box

Crazy to think of it, but this year all the birthday candles in one box will fill my birthday cake. Being 24 years-old was an age I thought I'd never live to see. Not that I thought something traumatic would happen to me at young age, just that life could never move fast enough for me to actually think older age would happen. I'll admit 24 isn't old, but it's definitely different than being 18 or 21. I'm half way to 48, an optimist,  so that keeps me feeling young knowing I'm under the half way mark to 50.

It feels like my life has become a lot less chaotic over the past year and I've become much more content with accepting things as they are. The hustle and bustle I used to feel all the time in college has now dissapeared. The only time I feel that I'm in a rush is when I'm either slightly behind on my way to work or needing to scurry to my desk because my break is about to end in 30 seconds. My life sure has settled down a lot over the past year, which I enjoy. Finding contentment in the simple things in life brings me much joy and not committing myself to so many things allows for me to have time for myself. So I look forward to the coming year. I'm at a good point in my life and I have great people who continue to support my decisions. Thank you all so very much for your unconditional love.

What is love?

With Valentine's Day just around the corner a person can't help but think about love. Either you're in it, want it, hiding it or running from it. Whatever your current love state is, how do you know when you're in it?

I've been contemplating my status of love lately. Trying to figure out when or how I know that I love someone. Wondering if I base my state of love upon my feelings or my logic. My logical side keeps my feet on the ground so that I don't float away by infatuation and ultimately react to something that just doesn't exist.

The three words "I love you" can easily slip from my lips towards a family member or close friend; however, sending those words towards a boyfriend is a different scenario. When I was younger, I projected those words within the first month of having a boyfriend. My young naive self was in such a rush to be loved that the holding of hands and first passes over a couple bases were the closest things to feeling love.

As I've matured and had more relationships, I have started to realize what love is and what it is not. I have had more opportunity to love and be loved. With opportunity has come frugality (less desperation). The downside of this is that the lusty love that once filled my young body with butterflies, brain with romance, and afternoons with fairytale daydreams has began to disappear and with it some of the excitement that I've believed my whole life of what love can and should be. I was desperate for love as a teenager. Now as an adult, I'm content with it or without it. Of course I want it, but I'm able to live without it. And that is where I find myself today, wondering what is love? 

Is it the fear that you could not live happy without that one person in your life? Is it a feeling you can have for multiple people? Are the words "I love you" only to be said to the person you plan and can see yourself marrying? Is it just purely accepting someone for exactly how they are? Is it ok to love someone and to know they will only be in your life for a limited time? Does love give up? Is love boring? 


I guess when I think about old people who love one another and put aside all of the excitement, romance, sexual stuff....my definition would be: Love: being committed and respectful to someone you admire and accepting them for who they are. Hmm this was just something that was on my mind and I felt I needed to share it. Happy Valentine's Day everyone. May love knock on your heart and may you be able to invite it in. 

60 Days Until ?

I hand wrote my 60 day notice and sent it off into the mail yesterday.
So I am trading my delightful apartment in Waukesha for opportunity! I may not know where I'm exactly moving, but I know I'm going some place great. I've had a lot of things on my mind lately. Many of these thoughts have led me to believe that I want to explore my adventurous side and move to a big city like Chicago or New York. Just get away and make a new beginning for myself. However, I have a wonderful boyfriend so I'm likely to not move far. When you have someone good in your life it's hard to walk away and pursue your own interests. I know this blog is devoted to finding myself, but I can't help but think about a future with my honey.
With the 60 days slowly disappearing, I have many options and I've aggressively jump started my second round of job hunting. My drive to pursue a successful career in public relations has returned and nothing can stop me. With the job security of Kohl's Corporate I now have a platform to spring into the world. Lord keep my fired up!

The Tears Will Not Come

When I was born, I literally cried everyday for the first seven years of my life (my family members can attest to this fact). I've come a long way since my whining days; however, I've always had a deep emotional side.

Lately, I've been feeling out of touch with my emotional side and it's making me feel a little weird. It's been over four months since I've had a good cry. For you men out there, it's probably been four years since you've had a good cry. During the past months, I've tried to cry and I have even had justifiable reasons and situations to cry about, but the tears do not come. I don't even get that chocked up feeling in the back of my throat. Have I become numb? Am I just happy with how my life is? Am I just growing up? What is it?

I've tried a couple things lately to awaken my emotions: sappy movies, feeling sorry for myself, attempted deep conversations with the boyfriend and the lamest of them gettting drunk. All of these things have amounted to no tears and a growing feeling that I need to cry. I don't know when the tears will come, but I look forward to when they do.

Some studies have shown that when you release emotional tears, you realease hormones that reduce your stress. Here was one good article I found about it. Guess I'll just have to keep balancing my stress with other forms of release like working out, sleeping, sex and conversation. Must be how men do it!

The Girl In the Red Dress

Every woman should own and wear a red dress once in her life. A classy black dress does no justice to the way a woman can feel when she is wearing the color of seduction, passion, violence and warfare.

To be the center of the room's attention, to be the glowing girl who stands out in the pictures, to feel every single man's eyes (and woman's) upon her as she walks so poised across the room with confidence. The men will love her and the women will hate her. There is just something about wearing the color red that makes a woman feel powerful and hot.

In fact, studies on colors have shown that the color red can have a physical effect upon a person, increasing the rate or respiration and raising a person's blood pressure. I'm sure it can raise other things too. So ladies if your prime years have not passed you, break the routine of wearing black and buy yourself a red dress. Unlesh the diva within you.

He Always Finds A Way To Come Back

What is it about exes always finding ways to come back into our lives? I swear they can sense when your life has just about completely moved on. It's like they can sense the new happiness you now share with someone else or for yourself and then they want that energy back into their own life. The only thing is they are either too scared or unsure to fully explain what their intentions are for reappearing back into our lives; which leads to uncertainty and one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride. Maybe they are just wanting to check-in and say "hello" but really that one hello can lead to hours of reminiscing. The awakening of old emotions can trample your current emotional state and cause trouble in any current relationship.

The scary thing about exes reappearing in our lives, is we've put down our guards for these people in our past and it's so easy to allow them back into our hearts. The safest bet to do is avoid their contact, be strong and not look at their Facebook profiles. Remind yourself of the bad and look at the progress you have made in your own life since they have left.

I just needed to write this down today. One of my exes has been on my mind and I can tell that every time he comes back into my life, it seems to put a damper on any current relationships I have. My current boyfriend also informed me that his ex recently contacted him. I guess the only way to perceiver over our past  loves is to communicate with one another about how we are feeling. I always tell my girlfriends, "Your exes always come back. You just need to be strong and smart enough to know what to do when they reach out for you." We can either decide to try things over again, or continue on with our lives looking for what we want.

Oh Blog How I've Missed You

Dear Blog:

I can not explain how many nights you have crossed my mind. Words and thoughts for you cross through my imaginative mind just about every night, however I have not been motivated to creep from my warm bed to prop my exhausted body into a cold leather chair to share my aspirations, fears and accomplishments. Please know that you have not been forgotten. I realize that working 40-50 hours each week responding to hundreds of e-mails has changed our relationship. I promise to return and in due time fill your web pages with my life!

Sincerely,

Mary Jean

Found Someone Special

I have been feeling like I am on top of the world. My cell phone seems to ring constantly, my Facebook is filled with the latest gossip, my free time seems to be filled with endless opportunities, my pocketbook actually contains green matter, my wardrobe has grown and I've met someone who really makes me feel beautiful and cared for. 

I didn't expect to put out the old flames from my past two relationships so quickly, but I found a new flame and I can't wait for it to become a bonfire. Last night, we made our relationship 'official'. I'm really excited about him and what the future has in-store for us. It feels so good to be affectionate and feel affection in return. At times I feel so spoiled by his attention. I can only hope that he feels as cared for as he makes me. So to good things ahead for me...we shall see.

4 Wheels and the Open Road

Today, I bought a car! I purchased a 2002 Toyota Corolla and I'm proud of that little car. It  might not be much to look at, but it's all mine. I could have spent a lot of money on a vehicle that would have been flashy, sexy and costly...but why make my life more complicated?

I'm new to the "real world." Why barley be able to make it, when I have the capability to be making it and not missing out on the world because of costly car insurance and a car payment. I'll have my day to shine in a beautiful car, when I can afford it. In the mean time, I have four wheels and the open road; now I'm starting to feel freedom.

Directing My Powers

I have been carrying a quote with me everyday since my first day of work, and I think I just need to share it with the world.

"The man who succeeds above his fellows is the one who early in life clearly discerns his object, and towards that object habitually directs his powers."-By Earl Nightingdale

This line made me think a lot about how I've made some sacrifices over the course of my young adult life and, now thanks to them, I'm starting to see the object of my desired lifestyle unfolding before my eyes. I still have a long road ahead of me until I reach my object of "success" in life, but I'm heading in the right direction. I am starting to feel that I'm living my happy ever after and I am alone. It's a great feeling finding happiness within myself. 

First Day in the 'Real World'

So today was my first day of full-time work. Well I don't really know if considering orientation real 'work', but it was my first day in the 'real world'! I work in a building with a thousand employees and the larger corporate office has over 4,000! Majority of the people in my team are older women...so a perk to the job is I don't have to spend an hour each morning getting cute.

In addition to starting my new job, I've been car hunting like a mad woman. I'm so committed to finding the right car that I took an early evening run and stopped at the car dealership downtown tonight. I'm sure that car salesman was caught off guard by a sweaty, fit, redhead excited to purchase her first car from a dealership. I'll be returning tomorrow to test drive some of those potential automobiles.

So life is good for me and the good Lord is shining down on me. Sweet dreams world.

Letting Go

Being alone is at times challenging and hard. My logical side of the brain tells me to be alone, yet my emotional side has a deep longing to love and be loved. I know that I just need to be patient; not fill my loneliness void with someone who will not meet my standards or only make life more complexed.

 I never wanted to admit it, but I have never let go of my ex before my most recent ex. Not letting go of him has impinged upon my ability to love my most recent ex. This man has recently reached out to me, yet I don't know what his intentions are.  It makes my life uneasy and gives me a false sense of hope. Below is a poem I wrote tonight. I need to let him go, so I can remain in control of my emotional state and see new opportunity when it happens in the future.

Because I Believe In Me

By: Mary Jean Ruhnke

You weren’t good for me, but why do I miss you?

Why do I let you haunt my dreams,

Cross my mind during times I should focus,

Weaken my independence,

Damage my self-determination,

Leave me blind to new opportunity

?

My heart wants to chase you

My hands want to touch you

My mind wants to know you

But I can’t

I shouldn’t

I won’t go back

Back to someone who left me wondering

Back to something that made me anxious

Back to a place that left me unhappy

Because I’ve learned to love myself first,

Because I know what I want

Because I still believe in fairytale love

I love myself enough to know that no matter how bad I want you,

You’ll never be able to love me the way I desire.

I need to let you go,

Erase you from my mind,

Not respond to your subtle pathetic bursts for attention

Move on and remind myself why I left you

because you are not good for me

and I will one day find a man who will love and cherish me

A Step in the Right Direction

We all have to get our feet wet somewhere and I've finally found a puddle to jump in. Today I was offered a job with Kohl's Corporate Headquarters and I took it. The position isn't my ideal position, but a step in the right direction. I'll be able to continue enhancing my writing skills and hopefully in due time move up that Kohl's ladder. If not, I'll keep my eyes open to other job opportunities.

Not too long ago I was playing 'The Game of Life' with my brother and his girlfriend, when it occurred to me that I'm only 11 spaces into the game out of the 150. It seems that the next 50 spaces in life have the most stops and changes. Then the 89 after that fly by so quick that before you know it your plastic car is loaded with kids, the 'Life'chips have run out, and retiring at Millionaire Estates becomes less realistic. I'm looking forward to the bumps along the road and I'm okay with retiring at Countryside Acres.

Traveling My Own Path

September 9, 2009 I find myself single and at the keyboard typing out my thoughts...oh no this can not be good. Actually, I am handling things pretty well for it only being the first two hours of independence. It doesn't really matter why or how the break-up happened. What matters is that I've had an amazing man in my life and we are still good friends who realize it just might not be meant to be.

I can now travel on my own path in life and make it what I want it to be. Maybe I'm getting a tougher heart, maybe I'm really happy about it, maybe I'm in shock, maybe my logic is stronger than my feelings; whatever it is it feels right to be alone right now. I'm happy things ended on good terms and that we both realized that our lives are going in two separate directions. However, that doesn't take away my feelings for him. As the Fray say, "I wish you were a stranger I could disengage."

So the path ahead of me looks uncertain, blurry, a little scary but I see sunshine through the fog and I know that in time things will be more certain and clear for me. On that thought, I can sleep well and I'll keep working hard to get where my life is heading.

Summer Cram

A slight chill in the air has returned and with it thoughts of autumn. It's the time of year when you don't have to fear the electric bill, where you can sleep with the windows open and try to cram everything you wanted to do over the summer months into the last few warm days.

Oh how this summer was a good one, but not the most memorable. So I'm going to make a list of things I wanted to do, but was either busy, lazy, lonely, or too poor to do and finish off this summer right.

-Milwaukee Zoo

-Road Trip

-A rock or country concert

-Do a triathlon

-Bonfire parties

-Old World Wisconsin

-Camping

-Visit the cabin up north and get freaked out by all the bugs

-More fishing

-Lay out underneath the stars

-More outdoor festivals

-Visit my dad and grandpa up north

-Go hiking

-Horseback riding

-6 Flags Great America

Writing My Story

Though my week has had a rough start, I had a great past weekend with my siblings. After a nice evening of Wii Fit and wine with my brother, Jason, I was inspired to write a book. He mentioned the idea to me after we discussed what I am planning to do with my chosen field of study in Journalism.

After some contemplation on the issue, I've decided to go for it. I'm unsure about what I want to write about, so I'm going to start by writing my own autobiography. I figure ideas for books and things will come as I reveal my life's story. I have nothing to lose, and figure I'll have something to leave behind for my family when I'm old, gray and dead.

An Off Week

Oh how this week has not been one of my finest. It seems that everyday something unexpected seems to throw my day out of whack. Today is the fourth day into the week and of course the fourth upsetting thing has happened today.

During this not so good week, the one thing that seems to be doing wonderful is my running routine. I'm jogging between 5 and 6 miles a day and can see dramatic definition in my legs and abdominals.

Living in Waukesha has been great, however the hopeful career start isn't looking up for me yet. I currently have been applying for about 2 jobs a day in addition to bartending and freelance writing.

The other day, I was training to waitress at my new job when it dawned on me that I should be the one being waited on during my lunch break not the other way. Urrr... it is so hard to put my pride aside.

So I'm trying to stay positive, realizing that a couple downers can make me appreciate life when it is great.