Sick of the Mundane? Get a Hobby

Does homework, drinking, working, television and dating seem to be some of your so called ‘hobbies’? If so, it might be time to get a real hobby. It seems that all of the above at one time have been my so called ‘hobbies’ and it only led to dissatisfaction and boredom.

Homework was always a chore, drinking caused a lot of drama, work was a bore, television was annoying and dating was stressful. I can finally say I have three hobbies: painting, running and drawing. All three bring me much pleasure, relaxation and self evaluation.

According to Dictionary.com ‘hobby’ is defined as, “an activity or interest pursued for pleasure or relaxation and not as a main occupation.”

Far from being a waste of time, having a hobby provides stress relief. It can also boost your creativity and self-esteem. Completing or adding to a project or collection can bring a sense of accomplishment and it’s a rewarding experience to share your hobby with others, as I do with my artwork. Below are some of my recent accomplishments.

"Conceal" Acrylic Painting

"My Heart" Acrylic Painting

"Silly" Drawing

"Leaving Behind" Acrylic Painting

What does it take to love yourself?

Have you ever looked in the mirror and told yourself, "I love me" or said it in your head? Do you love being you? It's a simple thing to do, but do you really love the good, bad, ugly, pretty person you have grown to become?

How often do you tell yourself?

"FML!"
"Why did you say that?"
"You're so stupid."

"You just made a fool of yourself."

"You can't do that."
"You're ugly."

All of these things are self-destructive and inflicted by the ME in all of us. Over the past couple weeks, I've evaluated my thoughts after every time I've internally said these things. At that moment, I remind myself that I love being ME.  Below is what it takes to love being you by Christine Arylo in her book, "Choosing ME before WE". I couldn't agree more and I just had to share. Discover how loving yourself can ignite the spirit within you!

1. Be Your Own Best Friend. Love hanging out with you. When you re deeply connected to ME, there's no reason to fear being alone. Honestly believe the following: "I would rather be companion less than with others who take away from how great I feel about ME, whether this refers to family, friends or a man."

2. See your magnificence and beauty. Embrace the amazing woman you are every day. Let everyone around you see her too. Cherish you own brilliance, without reserve or fear of it being greater than someone else's light. The more radiant you are, the more others will be inspired to show their own splendor.

3. Love all of yourself, even the not-so-pretty parts. Accept the flaws, idiosyncrasies, and weaknesses. Love yourself for who you have been and are. Forgive yourself for decisions that were not self-supporting. Acknowledge the dark parts of your life and spirit, and love them just as they are.

4. Make decisions guided by self-love. Take actions only if they uphold your commitment to self. Always be honest about how a relationship or other situation adds to or detracts from loving ME. And if you can't be honest with yourself, ask a trusted friend to advice you --and actually listen to what this person says.

5. Change your perspective on beliefs that counter self-love. Tell those negative voices in your head to take a hike, throw the "shoulds' into the garbage, and leave the bags of guilt at the door. Be willing to believe in the possibility of new possibilities, ones that breed and nourish love.

6. Never apologize for who you are. Believe that your choices, made with integrity and love, never have to be justified to anyone else. Be confident in who you are, and never let anyone say you should be someone else.

7. Make unconditional love a requirement for all relationships. Keep only the relationships with people--partners, friends, and family--who accept, love, and support you for you. They don't have to always like, agree with, or understand you choices, or you theirs, but love in the relationship must be unwavering. Do not have relationships with people who cannot love you as you are today, whose love is condition or inconsistent. If you aren't getting unconditional love from someone you'd like to remain in your life, be willing to ask for it and to be honest about how they can give it.

8. Give and receive. One of the best parts of loving ME is getting to love other people too. Love others freely, without expectation, resentment, or attachment to the outcome.

Choosing ME

I couldn't sleep last night. I received word that I've been replaced in my ex's life. At first it didn't bother me, but then as I tried to rest my tired eyes, visions of him with her began to flood my mind. The surge of thoughts lead to a night of mixed emotions and self-reflection.

I am happy for him and I hope in many ways that I've taught him how to be a better partner. I thought about the good times I shared with him; however, I constantly reminded myself that he is still a man with a temper. It's so easy for us to sometimes focus on the good, that we forget or downplay the bad. Our brains like to tell us that the new person in our partner's life is going to get all the good stuff and more; however, this is not the case. People are people and they don't change over night. The new person will surely get the good stuff, but they will also receive all the junk and baggage that comes along with him or her.

Normally, I'm the one to jump into something after a break-up; however, this time my focus is truly on developing the relationship I have with ME. It has been two months in the "single world" and I know with each week I am becoming more capable of being content on my own.

It's at times scary to be alone; however, I feel an immense amount of courage and strength. There are times that I am lonely; however, I know that the sense of loneliness is only temporary. I want to be content with just being MJ. It's a struggle to not be on the prowl or think about if Mr. Potential is sitting next to me in the library or at a bar, but I'm working on it.

I know that I am a good partner and I know that I am capable of being a fabulous partner, if I give myself some time to be alone. I love who I am and all the horrible, wonderful and smart decisions I have made along the way. I am aware of my flaws and I strive to be a better ME. I'm living my life for ME and it might be the first time in many years that I can say without a doubt that I am not living to please anyone besides myself.

I encourage everyone to love themselves first before loving someone else. This will make you a healthy partner. Unhealthy people attract unhealthy partners. Set your standards high and don't settle because of the fear of being alone. Focus on you and God will bring the right person in during the right time.

ca•pa•ble

–adjective 1. having power and ability; efficient; competent: a capable instructor.
—Idiom 2. capable of,
a. having the ability or capacity for: a man capable of judging art.
b. open to the influence or effect of; susceptible of: a situation capable of improvement.
c. predisposed to; inclined to: capable of murder.

Capable:the word that seems to sum up my current state of mind and lifestyle. I am independent, self sufficient and able to do as I please. For majority of my life, I have been dependent upon someone for money and attention. Alas, I've reached the point in my life where I can provide both on my own (applause). Instead of wishing I had someone to do something with, I'm out there doing it on my own and meeting people. Instead of depending on someone to help me pay my bills or bar tab, I'm paying it.

Everyone is capable of becoming the person they have always wanted to be, but many of us put off our abilities because of fear, laziness and rejection. Well I've noticed a spark within me and I've set it ablaze. I refuse to let fear, laziness and rejection stop me from reaching beyond my full potential and I hope to inspire others to be capable.

“If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves.” Thomas A. Edison

"Never limit your boundary of aim, it stops you to achieve higher."-Anonymous

"Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin." -Anonymous

"Imagine what you want.
Think of it with passion.
Feel it within yourself and feel the joy of it being achieved by you.
I assure you,
you will have it."
-The Secret

Escaping Coupledom

I am alone and happy. The search for coupledom is off and getting in-touch with me is on!

My ability to blog has been limited, due to me cutting my dependency on Time Warner for the next month. This new found freedom has allowed for me to be productive with my time. The artist within me has been revived and now my thougths and feelings are brushed upon canvas and drawn on paper. In addition to art, I spend my time reading, jogging and I've been expanding my wardrobe. I must admit, I'm in love with skinny jeans and knee high boots. I’m back in control of my life and I’m not ready to attach it to someone else's.

I’m going to try and take a couple months off  from finding a partner. Now that is a challenge, because I'm a lover and enjoy sharing my life with others. My next relationship is going to happen, because it just does. Not because I put my life on hold or because I make all these accommodations to have it be available to someone. I’m in my prime and I’m happy with who I am.

I recently finished the book, “Be Honest-You’re Not That Into Him Either” by Ian Kerner and it has made me realize that I get hung up on men that I never wanted to date in the first place. I lower my standards without even realizing it. I end up settling because they like me, they want my time or because I start to care; however, the whole time I’m in the relationship knowing that it’s not what I want. Kerner’s take away from the book is simple and this:

“Trust yourself. Trust your instincts. Don’t get wrapped up in finding or keeping a man, resorting to rules and tactics and playing the number game. Learn to stop succumbing to the pressure to achieve coupledom. That way, when the real thing comes along, you will be ready, willing, and able to jump in with both feet, not caught on some infernal treadmill where you wouldn’t know the real thing if it slapped you in the fanny pack.”
 
So I give up! I'm done. I love men and one day I'm going to have an amazing relationship. In the meantime, I'm going to live an amazing life on my own.

Deciding What I Want

For many years, I've believed that if I was alone that it meant I was undesirable. Now at the age of 24, I know that this is not the case. I'd rather be alone wishing I was in a great relationship, than to be in a mediocre relationship wishing I was single.

I'm figuring out what I want in life and the type of person I'd like to spend it with. Right now my focus is upon me and eventually a special someone will fit into my life. I've noticed that when I'm not in a relationship that I am capable of almost anything. On my own I seem to have less, but in so many ways I have more. More opportunity and freedom. The tricky part is to not get sidetracked and caught up in something that deep down I know isn't what I want.

I'm Just Looking For A Good Time

I was ready for bed when the door of my apartment sprang open and in walked a friend. I was grabbed by the hand and forced to go out to the bar. Now this is exactly what I did not want to happen on my Wednesday night.  I've been lately programmed to be a housewife. I like to work, come home, make dinner, read a book and go to sleep. So tonight threw off my routine. Zapped me back into being 24 and single. SINGLE! Wow kind of weird to admit.

I was under the assumption that tonight would be one drink. Well one drink lead to 6 shots of apple gut rot and two talk mixers. Let's just say, "I'm feeling dandy as candy" right now. It was a strange feeling to have men engaging with me and feeling a sense of freedom. I have no interest in anyone at the moment, but it was nice to be out. It felt foreign but in many way liberating.

So right now, I'm just looking for a good time. No strings, commitments, drama or physical attention. Just good conversation and silliness. It's nice to just be me.

My Little Big Sister Is Getting Married

The woman I’ve always wanted to be is getting married and I am honored to be a part of her wedding party. On August 21, 2010 my sister will share the last name of the man she has been waiting for her whole life. As I start to compile my thoughts into words for my maid-of-honor speech, I can’t help but reminisce about all the wonderful memories her and I have shared over the past 24 years.

It brings me much pleasure to know that my sister will grow old with a man who respects and adores her; a man who captures her heart and puts a twinkle in her eye. I look forward to hearing their vows, holding their future children, watching their hair turn gray and seeing their love grow stronger through life’s tribulations.

I haven’t been in much of a lovey-dovey mood lately, but I can’t deny the love my heart still aches to find. One day, I too will vow to share my life with someone who makes my life worth living. Till then, I will splurge my love upon family members and close friends. God sure does bless the broken road.

My sister and future BIL

Patience the Companion of Wisdom

Patience seems to be a virtue I have struggled to acquire. In this rapid world of instant solutions, microwave ovens and high speed Internet, it seems that patience is a wise lesson many of us don't seem to learn and quite frankly don't make time for.Without patience, we seem to find ourselves overly stressed and lacking in anything significant. Patience is about accepting the present moment and waiting out the future.

Waiting out the future seems to be where I want to start pulling out my hair and grinding my teeth. It's as if, I want to figure out the end of the story or problem by skipping all the steps it takes to get to the solution or outcome. This ultimately leads to me being dissatisfied. 

The good things in life take time. Pain and suffering need to come along the way, so that we can experience bliss. The reason is because pleasure isn't as enjoyable without the pain, so we have to be patient and endure our lives and accept our situations to be able to experience the bliss that will come in time.

Right now, I'm in a transition period and I have to be patient. I don't want to be. However, I know that I'll find exactly what I'm looking for in a career, home and love life if I am. It's hard for me to sometimes take my own advice; however, it's something I must do.

"Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.” -Anonymous

Couch Snuggler

When I'm sad, I'm a straight up couch snuggler. Ever realize that a couch is almost like a perfect partner to spoon with? If you enjoy being 'little spoon' this is the place meant for you.

A couch is shaped like an 'L' and supports your back, while allowing your body to sink into its cushions. It doesn't squirm, steal the covers or stick to you, not unless it's leather. The only downer is that it may decide to part its cushions and devour a part of your body. lol

The last three nights, I've found my partner to be the couch. If you are feeling lonely at night snuggle up to a good book, television show or movie and allow you body to relax on the couch. It just might help you to get a good night's rest.

The Kind of Woman I'd Like My Daughter 2 Be

Ever stuck between a rock and hard place? It's a place that no matter what you do you are pretty much fucked (pardon my French).

I was in one of those places this past month and I finally decided to squeeze my size 7 ass out. After much deliberation and courage, I vacated my boyfriend's home.

Now, this was not an easy task and it did not go as expected. I was informed that if I moved, the relationship was to conclude. So I left. I don't need to justify my reasons, since I still care. However, the thought of the kind of woman I'd like my future daughter to be gave me much encouragement.

No, I'm not prego and there is no one on the side. I needed a push to make a decision and the advice that I would give to my future daughter gave me the needed umf. My inner voice was telling me something and I quietly listen.

So if you are ever in one of those difficult situations, think about the advice you would give someone that means the world to you. Someone you created and invested blood, sweat and tears for. It will help you to make the best decision no matter how hard it can be.

Stronger Woman by Jewel --Listen to the song that inspired me to keep on going and to not turn the truck around.

Why Hate?

Why do some people in relationships have to get to the point of hating each other to leave each other? It boggles my mind.

I think if two people care for each other and the relationship becomes sour they should be able to discuss their concerns and logically understand why the relationship is drawing to a close. Instead, many couples engage in huge arguments and take cheap blows over things that are not the core problem within the relationship. It’s as if ruining a relationship forever, is easier than communicating to each other that it’s just not working.

EPHIPHANY ALERT! Aw there is my answer. I think it’s easier to hate someone you love for inadequate reasons, than to accept that you and this person would be happier with someone else. Maybe there truly is “a thin line between love & hate". 

I think it’s completely possible to walk away from a broken relationship and to not hate or despise your partner. Sadness and anger may linger because the bond you once shared has changed; but, hatred should not. Now if your boyfriend or girlfriend is leaving you for your sister or best friend, than I’d likely call them a ‘whore’ and consider hatred. However, to hate because someone is not happy is foolish.

My mom once said to me, “You can choose to be miserable for a short part of your life or for the rest of you life.” When I can see myself being unhappy as an old married woman, I get scared. I don’t want to be miserable. I want to be joyful, respectful, faithful and lovingful (did you like my new word lol?). I am aware that things won’t always be peachy, but there are some things we all can choose to tolerate or not tolerate in a relationship.

So alas comes where I tell you why I have been pondering this question. Well my relationship has drawn sour and I feel that things are about to get ugly. I am no saint, but I feel that I’ve used up all my resources. I’m to the point of being mad at myself for staying in the relationship. It seems that communication really is the key to a successful relationship and I seem to constantly be talking to a wall.

If anything, I’m becoming wiser, less open and more focused upon myself.

So how do you deal with the 'hate phase'?
This is when you want to just scream because your rage feels boundless. The amount of anger you feel depends on how antagonistic the split was, the circumstances, and how long it took to make the final break. You may resent your ex for wasting your time. You may realize that the breakup was inevitable (hindsight will reveal clues you failed to notice at the time). You may even feel a lot of anger towards yourself, but let go of that feeling fast! It's a waste of time and energy to rip yourself apart over something you no longer have the power to change. There are so many positive things you can do with your emotions and energy. Although it may feel good to replace your feelings of love towards your ex with hate, this can still lead to complications and mixed emotions of love and hate which are never a good thing.

Satisfaction

So after a poor start to the week of man drama and a flat tire, I got some great news today. I got a promotion!!

I am selfishly bragging, but don't judge me. I may need to one day look back on this post and absorb some of the positive energy placed into this post. Because we all know we have those days when we "can't get no sat-is-fac-tion." Don't mind me writing in song. When I'm jolly I sing and sometimes, if you get me in a super-duper mood, I'll start making up my own words and melody.  Yes I'm cheesy and I might be one of a kind, but that is why you love me.

I'm "move'n on up" which seems slow as I go through the motions; however, looking back on the past year I start to realize that I have come pretty far from being a seasonal employee. So thank you to every one who has encouraged me, prayed for me or can in some small way find happiness for me. I feel appreciated and content at the moment. I hope this feeling stays with me for awhile.

I Break My Heart

You might not know it, but I love to grasp a pencil in-between my fingers and draw life as I see it. I have no talent to draw from my imagination; however, I think I'm pretty good at drawing images I can see in front of me. So I'm working on a new piece of artwork: drawing my heart.

This drawing has been very hard for me to depict, since I'm unsure about what my heart really looks like, and it's hard to depict the message I want to bring forward in it. After thinking about my bleeding heart, I have reflected upon my ability to love. I have started to realize that I have no one to blame for the scars and bruises ladened upon it. I realize that I have broken my own heart because of fear and expectations. It's amazing how art can make you realize so many things about yourself. It truly is a way to express yourself and at the same time learn about yourself.

So if you have something that can't seem to be expressed in words, I recommend trying to present it in a art. The progress up to the finished product might make you discover things you were unaware of.

Getting Lost In A Book

If I could keep my mind attentive and eyes wide open, I would start reading a new book called 'Still Missing' by Chevy Stevens tonight.  It was recommended by my boyfriend's mother and it appears to have everything women want to read in it: love, abduction, terror, sex, girl-kick-ass and life. The kind of shit men don't want to read about, but women do.So it's sweet dreams to me and, before I know it, good morning hardcover book in between my sheets.

I guess it's a sign that I'm getting older, because my Friday morning highlight isn't the cartoons, Jerry Springer reruns or being able to sleep in till noon. Instead, it's finding pleasure in getting lost within the pages of a well written novel.

Switching It Up

So after eating a dozen mosquitoes, running for my life from a pack of wasps, being caught in two thunderstorms and missing out on my social life, I've decided to switch-up my daily routine of sleeping-in (lucky bitch you’re thinking) and evening jogs. Yes, I do have a full-time job; however, I work the awkward shift of (10:30 a.m. to 7 p.m.) 40 hours a week. With a shift like that a productive person needs to jam pack priorities in before and after the shift.Unfortunately, for the past several months I've been becoming a night owl and not so productive.

So, I am four days into this new routine and there are three perks and one setback. It's amazing what I can do with two hours of ME time each morning.

• First, I am able to workout without being a bug’s main-course meal.

• Second, I do not have to risk my life or a speeding ticket each morning on my commute to work. I can now take my time. I am used to dashing out the door last minute, driving 15 mph over the speed limit and scanning for cops like a pissed off lady because I hadn't given myself enough time to get ready for the day.
• Third, I'm able to relax or be social. I can kick my feet up, snuggle with the boyfriend or go out with friends and family. Before, I was always a sweaty mess after my evening jog; that, by the time I took a shower I didn't want to spend another half an hour getting pretty. Once I’m clean and in a bathrobe I just want to stay naked and fresh.
• Setback, it’s going on midnight and I'm still up. I should be in bed trying to sleep since my body is used to being spoiled with 8-10 hours of sleep each night. Operating on less than 8 hours of sleep is hard for me; especially, when I’m forcing my body to run for 45 minutes each morning and then sit in silence starring at a computer screen for 8 hours each day. Ahhh the thought kills me.

So I'll give this new routine a whirl. With it I will be able to reduce my stress and stay organized. I can sleep once I'm dead. Good night.

Suburban Girl With An Itch For the City

I have no sense of style, like comfy clothes, have been dependent upon a car for majority of my life, do all my shopping at Kohl's Department Store; however, I have a desire for the city life!

I was born and raised a conservative girl in the suburbs with a love for the country and a fear for the city. I moved to Madison, Wisconsin for three years during college and loved it! Since graduation, I have moved back into my hometown area of safety and seculsion in the suburbs. No matter how comfotable I feel here, I can't seem to stop pondering what my potential could be in a major U.S. city. I can't escape the fascination I have for the diversity and excitement of the city life.

Big cities are foreign and scary to me, but this also makes them very appealing to me. It's as if my soul wants to take a chance, start a new and be a career minded lady in Chicago, New York, Austin, or San Fransico. I'm young, social and the thought of working along business professionals in high-rise buildings is pretty enticing in comparison to my laid-back lifestyle in the suburbs of PTO mothers, hickbars full of burnouts and the daily half an hour commute to work.

So nothing is set in-stone about me moving, but it's something I'm going to look into. I don't want to look back on my life when I'm 30 and wonder why I never took the chance of failure or success in a city. I think if I take this chance, I'd learn so much about myself and the world around me. Allow for me to pop this bubble I live in.

Soulmates Reality or Torture Device?

Post from 7/10/10. Why did I censor my thoughts back then?

So you may think there is that one person out in this world that could compliment it; stop lying to yourself; you are only torturing your mind. THEY DON'T EXIST!

I don't  believe in there being that ONE SOULMATE. Yes, I think your soul has a place holder position for those you feel strongly for, but I think your soul can love many; however,  it needs time to absorb and dissolve partners.

I think  a person can be loved by many and love many; however, the more you love the less you are able to find pleasure in love. It as if your soul becomes callous, strengthened, protected and able to defend itself from letdown the more you try to share it with.

These are my thoughts, whether good or bad, numb or sad.

The contemplation of a single partner for a soulmate has crossed my mind lately because my boyfriend is someone who wants MY future. Don't get me wrong he is a great guy; but, GREAT doesn't mean I wouldn't find amazing, fantastic, out of this world,  or another great guy out there. Yes, those definitions are far fetched; but what I am saying is, if it is not him there will be someone else. Just because Prince Charming at the moment comes a hot and steady on his white horse doesn't mean I need to jump into the saddle with him.

So if you are living with the thought that you erased, missed, haven't found, fucked-over or messed up on your SOULMATE, honey STOP! You are worth something more than what you have had. You will find what you are looking for. Yes, you may need to redefine what your definition is for the man you want to spend your life with; but, the more you learn what you want and don't want the closer you are to knowing what your soul needs. The thought of a soulmate to me is a torture device. Keep cranking on it and you are bound to feel pain.

(Now slice your wrist BITCH-says Gabby) ----I am glad someone want's to read and listen to my thoughts.

Love This Pain

My mom might of hit the nail on the head the other night about women and pain. Sometimes women love pain. I’m not writing about masochism; however, I do know some kinky chicks that get off on that. I’m talking about mental pain that can cause a person to  feel depressed and in some ways paralyzed in their life. I like to call those moments pity parties; however, there is definitely no fun associated with those types of parties. Heavy drinking? Now that all depends upon the person.

I’m guilty of enjoying mental pain. Not causing pain to others, but indulging in it in my own life. I never realized that I have enjoyed holding onto the feeling of emptiness. I feel sorrow and at times in solitude I sulk.  It has been my guilty pleasure, my distraction from the wonderful things I have in my life. There is no real reason as to why I hold onto pain, but realizing it may help me to release it.

I’m unsure of the cure, but I think realizing that the past is the past and all you have control of is the present maybe a good start. All people are affected by their past experiences. Some people continually replay horrific or traumatic experiences in their minds. Others may continually be hard on themselves for a past action or may ponder the constant 'what if' question. All of these thoughts lead to mental pain and for some it can hinder their ability to enjoy the present. It would be wonderful if all of us could hold onto the positive experiences in our lives versus letting painful experiences flood our minds and spirits.

Pain has produced some of the most beautiful poems, literature and love songs of our time. It is what makes dramatic movies so appealing. It is something that is hard to accept and hard to let go.

SCREAM and Let It Out

I literally SCREAMED as loud as I could twice today and it felt AMAZING! The sensation I had afterward made me smile and giggle.

I needed to just release all the bulls-shit that has been on my mind lately. All day I had stressful thoughts and emotions going threw my brain. It was starting to make me feel depressed and sick. I just needed to free myself from this tension but I didn't know how. I thought to scream at the top of my lungs while staring at my computer in my cubicle; but that would have resulted in the entire second floor of Kohl's thinking I was dying or crazy.

So after work while I was doing 75 on the freeway, I looked around me to ensure no other drivers could see me and I just let my windshield have it! I let my INNER BITCH ROAR and it felt oh so good. I actually surprised myself at how loud my scream was. The raspyness in my vocal cords came together into one loud tone and my diaphragm tightened. It was a feeling that I have not felt since I was a child screaming because things weren't going my way.

After the first scream I smiled and felt the need to just give it one more scream! After the second scream, I giggled and I felt a sense of peace. As if I had just overcome something triumphant.

I felt instantly like I was back in control of my life. I have been wanting to scream for the past couple weeks. I was just too concerned with how others would interpret or react to my scream, so I put it off and assumed it was just foolish.

So if you have stress and crap going on in your life: SCREAM! If you feel like your starting to lose yourself in this great big world: SCREAM! Find a secluded spot and just let it out. You just might be happy you did. Make sure to share you experience with someone close to you.