Letting Go

Being alone is at times challenging and hard. My logical side of the brain tells me to be alone, yet my emotional side has a deep longing to love and be loved. I know that I just need to be patient; not fill my loneliness void with someone who will not meet my standards or only make life more complexed.

 I never wanted to admit it, but I have never let go of my ex before my most recent ex. Not letting go of him has impinged upon my ability to love my most recent ex. This man has recently reached out to me, yet I don't know what his intentions are.  It makes my life uneasy and gives me a false sense of hope. Below is a poem I wrote tonight. I need to let him go, so I can remain in control of my emotional state and see new opportunity when it happens in the future.

Because I Believe In Me

By: Mary Jean Ruhnke

You weren’t good for me, but why do I miss you?

Why do I let you haunt my dreams,

Cross my mind during times I should focus,

Weaken my independence,

Damage my self-determination,

Leave me blind to new opportunity

?

My heart wants to chase you

My hands want to touch you

My mind wants to know you

But I can’t

I shouldn’t

I won’t go back

Back to someone who left me wondering

Back to something that made me anxious

Back to a place that left me unhappy

Because I’ve learned to love myself first,

Because I know what I want

Because I still believe in fairytale love

I love myself enough to know that no matter how bad I want you,

You’ll never be able to love me the way I desire.

I need to let you go,

Erase you from my mind,

Not respond to your subtle pathetic bursts for attention

Move on and remind myself why I left you

because you are not good for me

and I will one day find a man who will love and cherish me

A Step in the Right Direction

We all have to get our feet wet somewhere and I've finally found a puddle to jump in. Today I was offered a job with Kohl's Corporate Headquarters and I took it. The position isn't my ideal position, but a step in the right direction. I'll be able to continue enhancing my writing skills and hopefully in due time move up that Kohl's ladder. If not, I'll keep my eyes open to other job opportunities.

Not too long ago I was playing 'The Game of Life' with my brother and his girlfriend, when it occurred to me that I'm only 11 spaces into the game out of the 150. It seems that the next 50 spaces in life have the most stops and changes. Then the 89 after that fly by so quick that before you know it your plastic car is loaded with kids, the 'Life'chips have run out, and retiring at Millionaire Estates becomes less realistic. I'm looking forward to the bumps along the road and I'm okay with retiring at Countryside Acres.

Traveling My Own Path

September 9, 2009 I find myself single and at the keyboard typing out my thoughts...oh no this can not be good. Actually, I am handling things pretty well for it only being the first two hours of independence. It doesn't really matter why or how the break-up happened. What matters is that I've had an amazing man in my life and we are still good friends who realize it just might not be meant to be.

I can now travel on my own path in life and make it what I want it to be. Maybe I'm getting a tougher heart, maybe I'm really happy about it, maybe I'm in shock, maybe my logic is stronger than my feelings; whatever it is it feels right to be alone right now. I'm happy things ended on good terms and that we both realized that our lives are going in two separate directions. However, that doesn't take away my feelings for him. As the Fray say, "I wish you were a stranger I could disengage."

So the path ahead of me looks uncertain, blurry, a little scary but I see sunshine through the fog and I know that in time things will be more certain and clear for me. On that thought, I can sleep well and I'll keep working hard to get where my life is heading.