"Get the Hell Out"- from Grandma

(I wrote this entry August 4th, 2010 and I felt inclined to post it. It may give someone strength to make a tough decision for their future. Sometimes we have to go through hard times to find great times. I'm happy to say I'm standing on my own two feet again.)

So I never admitted it on this blog, but I moved in with my now ex-boyfriend. I've always believed that a man and woman should wait till marriage or engagement to shack up.  However, I needed to touch the flame to know it was hot. This situation didn't fit the 'mefocused' theme and I let it slide from the page, but now I feel inclined to share.

The warm flame extinguished last night when I made it clear that today was my day to vacate. I did this because the more I learned about him, the more I knew I and any future kids (in my eyes) would be walking on egg shells. Before I even moved in, I knew something was not right; however, denial and the hope of love changing things made me think otherwise. His temper grew and with it my longing to escape. I care very deeply for this guy, but I realize this is not what I want out of a partner.

So I left. I feel horrible, miserable, sad, exhausted and unsure about my future; however, I know that I'll persevere. With Patience and time my heart will mend and I'll be back solid on my own two feet.

When your inner voice tells you to run you should get the fuck out! Or as my grandma said from her hospital bed, "Get the hell out!" Now those are words from a wise woman who has experienced a lifetime of disappointment and tough decisions.

Oil & Water Never Mix

Note to self: oil and water never mix!

I did it again. I tried to make it work with a man who I knew from the get go was not what I was looking for. Surprised? I assume not! Why do I do this to myself? SMH

This time I dated a 'bad boy'. He was a tall, husky, biker, blue collar worker, rough on the edges, drinker and self proclaimed 'asshole'. I should of paid attention to the obvious warning signs, but my curiosity was sparked and I believed I could crack through his hard outer shell. It was only a matter of time before this guy revealed his true colors and buckled from the pressure of a sincere relationship and positive woman.

From this day on, I will be cautious to trust. I understand now why some people are reluctant to put their guards down. Some people enjoy hurting others and will simply not care when it's all said and done.

I Break My Heart

You might not know it, but I love to grasp a pencil in-between my fingers and draw life as I see it. I have no talent to draw from my imagination; however, I think I'm pretty good at drawing images I can see in front of me. So I'm working on a new piece of artwork: drawing my heart.

This drawing has been very hard for me to depict, since I'm unsure about what my heart really looks like, and it's hard to depict the message I want to bring forward in it. After thinking about my bleeding heart, I have reflected upon my ability to love. I have started to realize that I have no one to blame for the scars and bruises ladened upon it. I realize that I have broken my own heart because of fear and expectations. It's amazing how art can make you realize so many things about yourself. It truly is a way to express yourself and at the same time learn about yourself.

So if you have something that can't seem to be expressed in words, I recommend trying to present it in a art. The progress up to the finished product might make you discover things you were unaware of.

Love This Pain

My mom might of hit the nail on the head the other night about women and pain. Sometimes women love pain. I’m not writing about masochism; however, I do know some kinky chicks that get off on that. I’m talking about mental pain that can cause a person to  feel depressed and in some ways paralyzed in their life. I like to call those moments pity parties; however, there is definitely no fun associated with those types of parties. Heavy drinking? Now that all depends upon the person.

I’m guilty of enjoying mental pain. Not causing pain to others, but indulging in it in my own life. I never realized that I have enjoyed holding onto the feeling of emptiness. I feel sorrow and at times in solitude I sulk.  It has been my guilty pleasure, my distraction from the wonderful things I have in my life. There is no real reason as to why I hold onto pain, but realizing it may help me to release it.

I’m unsure of the cure, but I think realizing that the past is the past and all you have control of is the present maybe a good start. All people are affected by their past experiences. Some people continually replay horrific or traumatic experiences in their minds. Others may continually be hard on themselves for a past action or may ponder the constant 'what if' question. All of these thoughts lead to mental pain and for some it can hinder their ability to enjoy the present. It would be wonderful if all of us could hold onto the positive experiences in our lives versus letting painful experiences flood our minds and spirits.

Pain has produced some of the most beautiful poems, literature and love songs of our time. It is what makes dramatic movies so appealing. It is something that is hard to accept and hard to let go.

He Always Finds A Way To Come Back

What is it about exes always finding ways to come back into our lives? I swear they can sense when your life has just about completely moved on. It's like they can sense the new happiness you now share with someone else or for yourself and then they want that energy back into their own life. The only thing is they are either too scared or unsure to fully explain what their intentions are for reappearing back into our lives; which leads to uncertainty and one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride. Maybe they are just wanting to check-in and say "hello" but really that one hello can lead to hours of reminiscing. The awakening of old emotions can trample your current emotional state and cause trouble in any current relationship.

The scary thing about exes reappearing in our lives, is we've put down our guards for these people in our past and it's so easy to allow them back into our hearts. The safest bet to do is avoid their contact, be strong and not look at their Facebook profiles. Remind yourself of the bad and look at the progress you have made in your own life since they have left.

I just needed to write this down today. One of my exes has been on my mind and I can tell that every time he comes back into my life, it seems to put a damper on any current relationships I have. My current boyfriend also informed me that his ex recently contacted him. I guess the only way to perceiver over our past  loves is to communicate with one another about how we are feeling. I always tell my girlfriends, "Your exes always come back. You just need to be strong and smart enough to know what to do when they reach out for you." We can either decide to try things over again, or continue on with our lives looking for what we want.

Letting Go

Being alone is at times challenging and hard. My logical side of the brain tells me to be alone, yet my emotional side has a deep longing to love and be loved. I know that I just need to be patient; not fill my loneliness void with someone who will not meet my standards or only make life more complexed.

 I never wanted to admit it, but I have never let go of my ex before my most recent ex. Not letting go of him has impinged upon my ability to love my most recent ex. This man has recently reached out to me, yet I don't know what his intentions are.  It makes my life uneasy and gives me a false sense of hope. Below is a poem I wrote tonight. I need to let him go, so I can remain in control of my emotional state and see new opportunity when it happens in the future.

Because I Believe In Me

By: Mary Jean Ruhnke

You weren’t good for me, but why do I miss you?

Why do I let you haunt my dreams,

Cross my mind during times I should focus,

Weaken my independence,

Damage my self-determination,

Leave me blind to new opportunity

?

My heart wants to chase you

My hands want to touch you

My mind wants to know you

But I can’t

I shouldn’t

I won’t go back

Back to someone who left me wondering

Back to something that made me anxious

Back to a place that left me unhappy

Because I’ve learned to love myself first,

Because I know what I want

Because I still believe in fairytale love

I love myself enough to know that no matter how bad I want you,

You’ll never be able to love me the way I desire.

I need to let you go,

Erase you from my mind,

Not respond to your subtle pathetic bursts for attention

Move on and remind myself why I left you

because you are not good for me

and I will one day find a man who will love and cherish me