Short-term Accomplishments

Oh how life is good again. I sit here before my outdated computer screen with a smile this evening. The past couple days have been great! I have a couple things to brag about tonight.

First, I've reached my first weight goal of 130lbs. That's 15lbs over the past month. My secret to losing this weight is not eating after 7pm, drinking lots of water, working out 6 days a week, eating healthier and reducing the amount of alcohol intake. I'm down to my freshmen high school size...I love it!

Second, I've been applying for jobs in my free time and I've got an interview! I just might be a future Hotdogger for Oscar Mayer Wiener. It might sound corny but I'm actually really excited about this job. I just might have the opportunity to travel around the United States in a wiener...screw finding a man, I'll have all the sausage I want.

Third, my courses this semester are challenging but great. I'm starting to get my confidence back and I've established a busy routine. Focusing on myself and future feels good. It's nice to have my life in control again.

Taking Back the Control of My Emotions

I've done some reflecting over the past couple days about my emotional state and I've concluded that birth control has been making me emotional. I hadn't really thought much about it, until I had a conversation with my mother about the Nuvaring I am on. She told me she felt very similar when she was on the pill and at times paranoid.

I started the ring two months ago, and ever since felt depressed and have found myself crying over small good and bad things. Well I can't handle this up and down roller coaster of emotions anymore. I'm going to get myself off of this ring. My sex life is non-existent any how so taking back control over my feelings and saving money will be good...also no plans for sex in the near future.

I'll return to birth control when I'm in a relationship where my partner can understand how the increase of hormones can affect me. I'm not alone in how I've been feeling. I've done some web searching about the effects of birth control. Check out these sites if interested in reading more: http://www.medications.com/se/nuvaring, http://www.medications.com/se/nuvaring/going-crazy, http://www.birth-control-drugstore.com/side-effects.html, http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2001/07/010725081754.htm.

So if you're thinking about going on birth control make sure you have a supportive partner and are aware of the side effects.

Giving Up Alcohol

So I've had a rough week so far and the addition of a couple alcoholic beverages last night only added more stress into the mix. I just completed the first week of my last semester at UW-Madison and it's been hard because memories of my ex keep flashing into my mind. It also doesn't help that the guy sent me a drunk text the other night about missing me. Then I the following day gave in and texted him back that I missed him and wanted to see him...only for him to blow me off like his and my message mean nothing.

Well I went out with the girls last night. Had maybe 5 drinks with them and hit up the busy downtown Madison bars. It was fun at first, but then I wanted to escape home. I wasn't in the mood to scope out available drunk men or run into my ex. Which ironically happened at the end of evening when my girlfriends dragged me into State Street Brats. Low and behold he was there and so where all of his friends...lovely way to end my evening NOT.

I didn't stay long and stormed off to my good friend Sarah's apartment. I had time to finally lay down and think about my evening. I realized that alcohol only makes things worse, especially during this time change. So I'm not going to drink until my 23 birthday which is slightly over a month away. This is good because my body has been aching. I've been in denial over the past 6 months about my digestive disorder (ulcerative colitis). Alcohol and stress tend to make my intestines bleed. My stress level has been high and even one alcoholic drink seems to put me in crippling pain for the following three days. So I'm giving it up. This will keep me out of the bar scene...where the kind of man I want in my life won't be lurking. I also don't want to run into my ex anymore.

I tried giving him a second chance to come back into my life...which was stupid, but something I had to do because I had hope that his text message the other night was honest and trying. You know I think I finally understand why some people take so long to fall in love or place their guard down...it's to protect themselves from time periods like the one I'm going through. It's the worst feeling of wanting someone you can't have or quite frankly you shouldn't be with. It sucks when you've cared and known someone and then have to act as if strangers.

So no more alcohol for awhile. I need to let my body heal, mind focus and pay attention to the important things in my life. Thanks for reading.

Clean Your Closet and Don't Clutter It Anymore

Why relive those pathetic moments of you and your ex from the past....erase it and move on with your life! They're an ex for a reason.

So I took the final steps in moving on after a break up. I fixed my broken wings by taking the weight off of them; I erased my ex from my social networking site Facebook. It was actually one of the hardest decisions for me to make, but it was one that was needed. I enjoy being on Facebook but would find myself constantly looking at my ex's profile, because I missed him and was curious. Looking at his profile only brought anger and anxiety into my life. Two things that God and I don't want.

And you know what?It feels good! Get rid of your ex's shit, memories and get on with your life. As my mother has said, "You have two choices to do in an unhappy relationship. Live in pain for a little while or live in pain your whole life." I've chosen a little while and you know what a little while has passed. It's time to stop the pity party and enjoy my life.

Who cares about what my ex thinks about me, what matters is what I think about myself. :)

Friends Are a Blessing

Having truly good friends are hard to come by. I recently got well acquainted with a woman name Christie. Since the moment we began hanging out she has brought lots of laughter, encouragement and joy into my life. It's refreshing to have someone new who you can just be yourself with. Someone who unconditionally likes you for being just the way you are.

This afternoon she called me up while I was working. I was having a moment of weakness and her call brought back my strength. After a short conversation about me returning to my hometown of Pewaukee, she said, "I'm saving you from that wretched public transportation!". I normally take the Badger Bus home but today I have a beautiful escort. I couldn't even argue with her about saving her gas and time. So Christie is on her way for me from my hometown and taking me to my hometown...what a good lady. She doesn't quite know how lucky I feel to have this new found friendship, but one day I hope to be able to show it in return.

Well I just received her phone call, she is here and ready to have some fun. Spending time with those who love you....priceless...for everything else there is mastercard (The last part was brought to you by Christie....love it!.

With out my mother, sister, Niki, Sarah and Christie my sanity wouldn't have returned so quick. I love those women and appreciate all of their kind words, honesty, patience and willingness to cheer my ass up :).

Goal: Expand my Worldview

So I've been feeling this urge deep within me to get out of the country and see the world and you know what I'm going to do it. I'm not going to daydream about it, I'm instead going to work my ass off over this semester, graduate and leave for a bit. I need to do something that will take me out of my element and I also need some excitement in my life that bars and parties can't provide. An urge that can only be filled by me providing something for myself.

So starting tomorrow, I'm going to get a second job. I'll be a full time student, work at both jobs, pay off my credit card, buy my passport, save, graduate and go :). Gosh that sounds so fun and exciting...if only you could see the smile that stretches across my face right now as I type in my fluffy pink bath robe.

I want to experience life, face my fears and find myself outside of my comfort zone. It feels so good to be alive. Creating short term and long term goals for yourself can help you to feel more in control of your life...also gives you some pride when they are accomplished.

Moving On Too Quick....works for some, but not for me

The love so far of my life has sprung back into my life; however things are different.

I wasn't planning on jumping into anything since my recent break up. I've just wanted to spend quality time with those that I have pushed aside over the past couple of months.

So I spent some time with the man I dated for three years...playing with fire I guess. We hung out and had a lot of good conversations, laughs and hugs; however I couldn't escape the feeling that I just wasn't into him. No matter how much fun we had or how sweet he was, I couldn't erase the thought of my recent ex or the feeling of having no feelings. I kept thinking to myself, why now? Why now does the man who I loved with all my heart, who was so stubborn, feel that he can come back into my life and be the man I always knew he was? Well I've concluded, it's too late for him and it's too early for anyone new to come galloping into my life looking for love.

I've been feeling numb when it comes to my affection and my emotional level. I don't quite understand how some people in this world can just move onto someone new right after a break up when they still have their ex's belongings in their home or have their ex starring in their dreams late at night. I wish I had that ability, then break ups wouldn't be so hard for me.

I was once told by a teacher in high school, "You can't give to those what you can't give to yourself." Springing into something right now, wouldn't be helpful for me in becoming "Me Focused" or to someone else. I would only be using them to distract my feelings of lose. Part of being focused on yourself is feeling emotion and most importantly understanding it. I know that because I feel a lose and miss my ex, that I truly cared for him.

Staying Busy

One of the hardest things after a break up is entering back into the world alone. It's a lonely feeling to know you only have yourself to depend upon and that you don't have that special someone right by your side to cheer you on.

I find myself constantly replaying certain memories I shared with my ex at certain places I pass each day. I wonder if he'll think of me when he passes or enters these same locations? It makes me sad to think that I won't have new memories with my ex at certain locations, but then when I think about how unavailable he was; he probably wouldn't have been there to share them with me anyhow. It would have turned into an argument of him not having the time to attend something that was important to me. The thought of argueing...urr...makes me realize I made the right decision to nip the relationship in the butt. One day I'll find the someone who won't be able to get enough of my time and attention.


Well enough of me thinking about the future guy, I need to keep my mind focused on the present and what I have control over right now. And that is this very moment and tomorrow. After several break ups I've learned a little technique that seems to help me....staying busy. It's hard at first for me to do this because I think I kind of enjoy feeling sorry for myself. I just need a couple days of bumming around, having a good cry, a couple bitch sessions on the phone with my girl friends and then the companionship of a couple good guy friends.

This past Sunday, I tried having a sop day in bed. I of course awoke that morning from a wonderful dream of I and my ex; only for reality to kick in 10 seconds afterward that "I'm single". So that morning I laid there and I had a good cry. I cried about him, my self, about my ex before this ex, about my family, about school, about finances...just everything. I think I even cried because I was crying if that is possible. I tried avoiding the world that day. But my cell phone kept ringing and finally I picked it up. I sounded like a foul on the phone to my good friend Christie, but she seemed to understand the silent cry for help underneath my tears, heavy breathing and mumbled words. 20 minutes later my apartment door buzzer rang. I dreaded to answer it, but sure enough it was Christie, my brother and a good guy friend. They sprang into my apartment and immediately I felt better. I ended up having so much fun with them that they stayed the night. Thank God they came over; oh what a waste of life Sunday could have become. I felt loved and I remembered how great my life is. These people love me for me and see the greatness within me and that is exactly what I needed on that sob Sunday morning.

Since Sunday, I started blogging, eating healthy, returned to work, began reading a novel, been catching up with old friends, spending time alone and sweating like a fat kid at the gym. My life is busy again and it's only been a week. My cell phone rings constantly and I realize how much of an impact I have upon people's lives.

So I'm going to keep on and I will try not hoping for my ex to come back into my life. I tried loving and sharing my life with him and just because it didn't work out this time, I'm not going to stop trying love again. I'm hurt and I didn't get what I hoped for this time around but I know one day I'll find what I've been looking for. I'll look back on all my heartache and past relationships and be happy I made the decisions to end certain relationships so that I could spend my life with my future partner. Whoever he is, he's out there right now living his life and he's getting his life ready for me, just like I'm getting mine ready for him.

I'll be staying busy and from now on if someone wants to make plans with me; I'm going to take them up on it. I'm not going to wait in limbo anymore. I'm just going to get out there and live my life as full as possible.

Single Again

So I did it again, I ended a relationship....or as Dane Cook would say, "relationSHIT!" I placed my heart out there to get it trampled, disappointed and rejected. I invested all my thoughts and hopes into a man whom wasn't that into me. I can handle the truth...not everyone in this world is going to fall in love with me. After months of trying to make this man want me; I was burned out, pissed, ready to drink, waiting on his phone calls, placing my friends second best and so caught up in this man that I started to lose focus of ME. I literally was attached to my phone and would jump every time in rang in hopes that it was him calling and if it wasn't I was disappointed....women why do we do this to ourselves?

After months of this rejection game with him, I started to feel insecure about myself and I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't study for my exams, get a good night's sleep and found myself to be teeter tottering if I wanted to be in this relationship....however I couldn't end things because I held onto hope. Hope that one day he would change. Change....ha....I know men don't change but why do we lie to ourselves and assume they will?

Well my inner voice was always telling me the truth and this past week I finally started to listen to it and it told me, "get out!"

For some reason after breaking up with a man, I always feel like the rapture has occurred and I've been left here on earth alone. I have a moment of panic, where I can feel the world completely stop and I think I've made the worst decision ever. I'll be depressed for a day and replay all the good moments and think I made the wrong decision. However, what gives me strength to move on is that I've made a decision.

Making a decision is actually the key part to finding yourself....because for months I was making excuses in response to what my inner voice was saying. Over the past three days of being single I've been down and at times I've cried, but I'll tell you the greatest feeling is knowing that I made a decision that was true to myself.