Hello Familiar Friend,

I didn’t miss you. I didn’t wish that the day would come where you would return and hold my hand so tightly. That your footsteps would walk in sync with mine no matter how fast I try to run. Your grasp at times feels paralyzing. Numbing my mood and forcing me to fake a smile.

Your silent words taunt me and create visions that make my stomach turn. You make me doubt my decisions, make me feel pity for the person I see in the mirror, have taken my recent dreams and torn them apart.

At times I feel like I can escape you; however, you are there each night I lie awake in bed. You are there each time my phone rings and are the reminder that wakes me each morning.

I won’t let you break me and I will not let you allow me to fall apart. I fully accept you back into my life. I know that your presence is temporary. I know with time, the force of your grasp will become my strength. You will become the beam that draws the next wonderful person into the light of my life. I know what I am capable of and I know what I can provide.

I saved a little love for myself and I welcome you, Loneliness!

Sincerely,

Mary Jean

Dinner 4 One Please

I had a first tonight. I braved going out in public to eat at a sit down restaraunt alone. It's something I've never done and, to be honest, thought was only something lonely, business people do. My experience has changed my thinking. It was actually quite liberating. I enjoyed the moments of solitude, not having to entertain someone over meaningless conversation and deal with the somewhat uncomfotable game of 'Who's Picking Up the Tab?' Tonight it was all about me and it was enjoyable. I had a craving to be out and an appetite for shephard's pie.

My mission is complete, my tummy is full, my mind is clear and my sketchbook has a few more drawings. I have an ambitious soul and I'm not waiting around for someone to do something with. If I want it, I'll get it and I won't hold back just because I'm on my own. I am my own best friend.

What does it take to love yourself?

Have you ever looked in the mirror and told yourself, "I love me" or said it in your head? Do you love being you? It's a simple thing to do, but do you really love the good, bad, ugly, pretty person you have grown to become?

How often do you tell yourself?

"FML!"
"Why did you say that?"
"You're so stupid."

"You just made a fool of yourself."

"You can't do that."
"You're ugly."

All of these things are self-destructive and inflicted by the ME in all of us. Over the past couple weeks, I've evaluated my thoughts after every time I've internally said these things. At that moment, I remind myself that I love being ME.  Below is what it takes to love being you by Christine Arylo in her book, "Choosing ME before WE". I couldn't agree more and I just had to share. Discover how loving yourself can ignite the spirit within you!

1. Be Your Own Best Friend. Love hanging out with you. When you re deeply connected to ME, there's no reason to fear being alone. Honestly believe the following: "I would rather be companion less than with others who take away from how great I feel about ME, whether this refers to family, friends or a man."

2. See your magnificence and beauty. Embrace the amazing woman you are every day. Let everyone around you see her too. Cherish you own brilliance, without reserve or fear of it being greater than someone else's light. The more radiant you are, the more others will be inspired to show their own splendor.

3. Love all of yourself, even the not-so-pretty parts. Accept the flaws, idiosyncrasies, and weaknesses. Love yourself for who you have been and are. Forgive yourself for decisions that were not self-supporting. Acknowledge the dark parts of your life and spirit, and love them just as they are.

4. Make decisions guided by self-love. Take actions only if they uphold your commitment to self. Always be honest about how a relationship or other situation adds to or detracts from loving ME. And if you can't be honest with yourself, ask a trusted friend to advice you --and actually listen to what this person says.

5. Change your perspective on beliefs that counter self-love. Tell those negative voices in your head to take a hike, throw the "shoulds' into the garbage, and leave the bags of guilt at the door. Be willing to believe in the possibility of new possibilities, ones that breed and nourish love.

6. Never apologize for who you are. Believe that your choices, made with integrity and love, never have to be justified to anyone else. Be confident in who you are, and never let anyone say you should be someone else.

7. Make unconditional love a requirement for all relationships. Keep only the relationships with people--partners, friends, and family--who accept, love, and support you for you. They don't have to always like, agree with, or understand you choices, or you theirs, but love in the relationship must be unwavering. Do not have relationships with people who cannot love you as you are today, whose love is condition or inconsistent. If you aren't getting unconditional love from someone you'd like to remain in your life, be willing to ask for it and to be honest about how they can give it.

8. Give and receive. One of the best parts of loving ME is getting to love other people too. Love others freely, without expectation, resentment, or attachment to the outcome.

Choosing ME

I couldn't sleep last night. I received word that I've been replaced in my ex's life. At first it didn't bother me, but then as I tried to rest my tired eyes, visions of him with her began to flood my mind. The surge of thoughts lead to a night of mixed emotions and self-reflection.

I am happy for him and I hope in many ways that I've taught him how to be a better partner. I thought about the good times I shared with him; however, I constantly reminded myself that he is still a man with a temper. It's so easy for us to sometimes focus on the good, that we forget or downplay the bad. Our brains like to tell us that the new person in our partner's life is going to get all the good stuff and more; however, this is not the case. People are people and they don't change over night. The new person will surely get the good stuff, but they will also receive all the junk and baggage that comes along with him or her.

Normally, I'm the one to jump into something after a break-up; however, this time my focus is truly on developing the relationship I have with ME. It has been two months in the "single world" and I know with each week I am becoming more capable of being content on my own.

It's at times scary to be alone; however, I feel an immense amount of courage and strength. There are times that I am lonely; however, I know that the sense of loneliness is only temporary. I want to be content with just being MJ. It's a struggle to not be on the prowl or think about if Mr. Potential is sitting next to me in the library or at a bar, but I'm working on it.

I know that I am a good partner and I know that I am capable of being a fabulous partner, if I give myself some time to be alone. I love who I am and all the horrible, wonderful and smart decisions I have made along the way. I am aware of my flaws and I strive to be a better ME. I'm living my life for ME and it might be the first time in many years that I can say without a doubt that I am not living to please anyone besides myself.

I encourage everyone to love themselves first before loving someone else. This will make you a healthy partner. Unhealthy people attract unhealthy partners. Set your standards high and don't settle because of the fear of being alone. Focus on you and God will bring the right person in during the right time.

ca•pa•ble

–adjective 1. having power and ability; efficient; competent: a capable instructor.
—Idiom 2. capable of,
a. having the ability or capacity for: a man capable of judging art.
b. open to the influence or effect of; susceptible of: a situation capable of improvement.
c. predisposed to; inclined to: capable of murder.

Capable:the word that seems to sum up my current state of mind and lifestyle. I am independent, self sufficient and able to do as I please. For majority of my life, I have been dependent upon someone for money and attention. Alas, I've reached the point in my life where I can provide both on my own (applause). Instead of wishing I had someone to do something with, I'm out there doing it on my own and meeting people. Instead of depending on someone to help me pay my bills or bar tab, I'm paying it.

Everyone is capable of becoming the person they have always wanted to be, but many of us put off our abilities because of fear, laziness and rejection. Well I've noticed a spark within me and I've set it ablaze. I refuse to let fear, laziness and rejection stop me from reaching beyond my full potential and I hope to inspire others to be capable.

“If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves.” Thomas A. Edison

"Never limit your boundary of aim, it stops you to achieve higher."-Anonymous

"Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin." -Anonymous

"Imagine what you want.
Think of it with passion.
Feel it within yourself and feel the joy of it being achieved by you.
I assure you,
you will have it."
-The Secret

Escaping Coupledom

I am alone and happy. The search for coupledom is off and getting in-touch with me is on!

My ability to blog has been limited, due to me cutting my dependency on Time Warner for the next month. This new found freedom has allowed for me to be productive with my time. The artist within me has been revived and now my thougths and feelings are brushed upon canvas and drawn on paper. In addition to art, I spend my time reading, jogging and I've been expanding my wardrobe. I must admit, I'm in love with skinny jeans and knee high boots. I’m back in control of my life and I’m not ready to attach it to someone else's.

I’m going to try and take a couple months off  from finding a partner. Now that is a challenge, because I'm a lover and enjoy sharing my life with others. My next relationship is going to happen, because it just does. Not because I put my life on hold or because I make all these accommodations to have it be available to someone. I’m in my prime and I’m happy with who I am.

I recently finished the book, “Be Honest-You’re Not That Into Him Either” by Ian Kerner and it has made me realize that I get hung up on men that I never wanted to date in the first place. I lower my standards without even realizing it. I end up settling because they like me, they want my time or because I start to care; however, the whole time I’m in the relationship knowing that it’s not what I want. Kerner’s take away from the book is simple and this:

“Trust yourself. Trust your instincts. Don’t get wrapped up in finding or keeping a man, resorting to rules and tactics and playing the number game. Learn to stop succumbing to the pressure to achieve coupledom. That way, when the real thing comes along, you will be ready, willing, and able to jump in with both feet, not caught on some infernal treadmill where you wouldn’t know the real thing if it slapped you in the fanny pack.”
 
So I give up! I'm done. I love men and one day I'm going to have an amazing relationship. In the meantime, I'm going to live an amazing life on my own.

Deciding What I Want

For many years, I've believed that if I was alone that it meant I was undesirable. Now at the age of 24, I know that this is not the case. I'd rather be alone wishing I was in a great relationship, than to be in a mediocre relationship wishing I was single.

I'm figuring out what I want in life and the type of person I'd like to spend it with. Right now my focus is upon me and eventually a special someone will fit into my life. I've noticed that when I'm not in a relationship that I am capable of almost anything. On my own I seem to have less, but in so many ways I have more. More opportunity and freedom. The tricky part is to not get sidetracked and caught up in something that deep down I know isn't what I want.

I'm Just Looking For A Good Time

I was ready for bed when the door of my apartment sprang open and in walked a friend. I was grabbed by the hand and forced to go out to the bar. Now this is exactly what I did not want to happen on my Wednesday night.  I've been lately programmed to be a housewife. I like to work, come home, make dinner, read a book and go to sleep. So tonight threw off my routine. Zapped me back into being 24 and single. SINGLE! Wow kind of weird to admit.

I was under the assumption that tonight would be one drink. Well one drink lead to 6 shots of apple gut rot and two talk mixers. Let's just say, "I'm feeling dandy as candy" right now. It was a strange feeling to have men engaging with me and feeling a sense of freedom. I have no interest in anyone at the moment, but it was nice to be out. It felt foreign but in many way liberating.

So right now, I'm just looking for a good time. No strings, commitments, drama or physical attention. Just good conversation and silliness. It's nice to just be me.

Couch Snuggler

When I'm sad, I'm a straight up couch snuggler. Ever realize that a couch is almost like a perfect partner to spoon with? If you enjoy being 'little spoon' this is the place meant for you.

A couch is shaped like an 'L' and supports your back, while allowing your body to sink into its cushions. It doesn't squirm, steal the covers or stick to you, not unless it's leather. The only downer is that it may decide to part its cushions and devour a part of your body. lol

The last three nights, I've found my partner to be the couch. If you are feeling lonely at night snuggle up to a good book, television show or movie and allow you body to relax on the couch. It just might help you to get a good night's rest.

Why Hate?

Why do some people in relationships have to get to the point of hating each other to leave each other? It boggles my mind.

I think if two people care for each other and the relationship becomes sour they should be able to discuss their concerns and logically understand why the relationship is drawing to a close. Instead, many couples engage in huge arguments and take cheap blows over things that are not the core problem within the relationship. It’s as if ruining a relationship forever, is easier than communicating to each other that it’s just not working.

EPHIPHANY ALERT! Aw there is my answer. I think it’s easier to hate someone you love for inadequate reasons, than to accept that you and this person would be happier with someone else. Maybe there truly is “a thin line between love & hate". 

I think it’s completely possible to walk away from a broken relationship and to not hate or despise your partner. Sadness and anger may linger because the bond you once shared has changed; but, hatred should not. Now if your boyfriend or girlfriend is leaving you for your sister or best friend, than I’d likely call them a ‘whore’ and consider hatred. However, to hate because someone is not happy is foolish.

My mom once said to me, “You can choose to be miserable for a short part of your life or for the rest of you life.” When I can see myself being unhappy as an old married woman, I get scared. I don’t want to be miserable. I want to be joyful, respectful, faithful and lovingful (did you like my new word lol?). I am aware that things won’t always be peachy, but there are some things we all can choose to tolerate or not tolerate in a relationship.

So alas comes where I tell you why I have been pondering this question. Well my relationship has drawn sour and I feel that things are about to get ugly. I am no saint, but I feel that I’ve used up all my resources. I’m to the point of being mad at myself for staying in the relationship. It seems that communication really is the key to a successful relationship and I seem to constantly be talking to a wall.

If anything, I’m becoming wiser, less open and more focused upon myself.

So how do you deal with the 'hate phase'?
This is when you want to just scream because your rage feels boundless. The amount of anger you feel depends on how antagonistic the split was, the circumstances, and how long it took to make the final break. You may resent your ex for wasting your time. You may realize that the breakup was inevitable (hindsight will reveal clues you failed to notice at the time). You may even feel a lot of anger towards yourself, but let go of that feeling fast! It's a waste of time and energy to rip yourself apart over something you no longer have the power to change. There are so many positive things you can do with your emotions and energy. Although it may feel good to replace your feelings of love towards your ex with hate, this can still lead to complications and mixed emotions of love and hate which are never a good thing.

Getting Lost In A Book

If I could keep my mind attentive and eyes wide open, I would start reading a new book called 'Still Missing' by Chevy Stevens tonight.  It was recommended by my boyfriend's mother and it appears to have everything women want to read in it: love, abduction, terror, sex, girl-kick-ass and life. The kind of shit men don't want to read about, but women do.So it's sweet dreams to me and, before I know it, good morning hardcover book in between my sheets.

I guess it's a sign that I'm getting older, because my Friday morning highlight isn't the cartoons, Jerry Springer reruns or being able to sleep in till noon. Instead, it's finding pleasure in getting lost within the pages of a well written novel.

Letting Go

Being alone is at times challenging and hard. My logical side of the brain tells me to be alone, yet my emotional side has a deep longing to love and be loved. I know that I just need to be patient; not fill my loneliness void with someone who will not meet my standards or only make life more complexed.

 I never wanted to admit it, but I have never let go of my ex before my most recent ex. Not letting go of him has impinged upon my ability to love my most recent ex. This man has recently reached out to me, yet I don't know what his intentions are.  It makes my life uneasy and gives me a false sense of hope. Below is a poem I wrote tonight. I need to let him go, so I can remain in control of my emotional state and see new opportunity when it happens in the future.

Because I Believe In Me

By: Mary Jean Ruhnke

You weren’t good for me, but why do I miss you?

Why do I let you haunt my dreams,

Cross my mind during times I should focus,

Weaken my independence,

Damage my self-determination,

Leave me blind to new opportunity

?

My heart wants to chase you

My hands want to touch you

My mind wants to know you

But I can’t

I shouldn’t

I won’t go back

Back to someone who left me wondering

Back to something that made me anxious

Back to a place that left me unhappy

Because I’ve learned to love myself first,

Because I know what I want

Because I still believe in fairytale love

I love myself enough to know that no matter how bad I want you,

You’ll never be able to love me the way I desire.

I need to let you go,

Erase you from my mind,

Not respond to your subtle pathetic bursts for attention

Move on and remind myself why I left you

because you are not good for me

and I will one day find a man who will love and cherish me

Traveling My Own Path

September 9, 2009 I find myself single and at the keyboard typing out my thoughts...oh no this can not be good. Actually, I am handling things pretty well for it only being the first two hours of independence. It doesn't really matter why or how the break-up happened. What matters is that I've had an amazing man in my life and we are still good friends who realize it just might not be meant to be.

I can now travel on my own path in life and make it what I want it to be. Maybe I'm getting a tougher heart, maybe I'm really happy about it, maybe I'm in shock, maybe my logic is stronger than my feelings; whatever it is it feels right to be alone right now. I'm happy things ended on good terms and that we both realized that our lives are going in two separate directions. However, that doesn't take away my feelings for him. As the Fray say, "I wish you were a stranger I could disengage."

So the path ahead of me looks uncertain, blurry, a little scary but I see sunshine through the fog and I know that in time things will be more certain and clear for me. On that thought, I can sleep well and I'll keep working hard to get where my life is heading.

Moving On Too Quick....works for some, but not for me

The love so far of my life has sprung back into my life; however things are different.

I wasn't planning on jumping into anything since my recent break up. I've just wanted to spend quality time with those that I have pushed aside over the past couple of months.

So I spent some time with the man I dated for three years...playing with fire I guess. We hung out and had a lot of good conversations, laughs and hugs; however I couldn't escape the feeling that I just wasn't into him. No matter how much fun we had or how sweet he was, I couldn't erase the thought of my recent ex or the feeling of having no feelings. I kept thinking to myself, why now? Why now does the man who I loved with all my heart, who was so stubborn, feel that he can come back into my life and be the man I always knew he was? Well I've concluded, it's too late for him and it's too early for anyone new to come galloping into my life looking for love.

I've been feeling numb when it comes to my affection and my emotional level. I don't quite understand how some people in this world can just move onto someone new right after a break up when they still have their ex's belongings in their home or have their ex starring in their dreams late at night. I wish I had that ability, then break ups wouldn't be so hard for me.

I was once told by a teacher in high school, "You can't give to those what you can't give to yourself." Springing into something right now, wouldn't be helpful for me in becoming "Me Focused" or to someone else. I would only be using them to distract my feelings of lose. Part of being focused on yourself is feeling emotion and most importantly understanding it. I know that because I feel a lose and miss my ex, that I truly cared for him.

Staying Busy

One of the hardest things after a break up is entering back into the world alone. It's a lonely feeling to know you only have yourself to depend upon and that you don't have that special someone right by your side to cheer you on.

I find myself constantly replaying certain memories I shared with my ex at certain places I pass each day. I wonder if he'll think of me when he passes or enters these same locations? It makes me sad to think that I won't have new memories with my ex at certain locations, but then when I think about how unavailable he was; he probably wouldn't have been there to share them with me anyhow. It would have turned into an argument of him not having the time to attend something that was important to me. The thought of argueing...urr...makes me realize I made the right decision to nip the relationship in the butt. One day I'll find the someone who won't be able to get enough of my time and attention.


Well enough of me thinking about the future guy, I need to keep my mind focused on the present and what I have control over right now. And that is this very moment and tomorrow. After several break ups I've learned a little technique that seems to help me....staying busy. It's hard at first for me to do this because I think I kind of enjoy feeling sorry for myself. I just need a couple days of bumming around, having a good cry, a couple bitch sessions on the phone with my girl friends and then the companionship of a couple good guy friends.

This past Sunday, I tried having a sop day in bed. I of course awoke that morning from a wonderful dream of I and my ex; only for reality to kick in 10 seconds afterward that "I'm single". So that morning I laid there and I had a good cry. I cried about him, my self, about my ex before this ex, about my family, about school, about finances...just everything. I think I even cried because I was crying if that is possible. I tried avoiding the world that day. But my cell phone kept ringing and finally I picked it up. I sounded like a foul on the phone to my good friend Christie, but she seemed to understand the silent cry for help underneath my tears, heavy breathing and mumbled words. 20 minutes later my apartment door buzzer rang. I dreaded to answer it, but sure enough it was Christie, my brother and a good guy friend. They sprang into my apartment and immediately I felt better. I ended up having so much fun with them that they stayed the night. Thank God they came over; oh what a waste of life Sunday could have become. I felt loved and I remembered how great my life is. These people love me for me and see the greatness within me and that is exactly what I needed on that sob Sunday morning.

Since Sunday, I started blogging, eating healthy, returned to work, began reading a novel, been catching up with old friends, spending time alone and sweating like a fat kid at the gym. My life is busy again and it's only been a week. My cell phone rings constantly and I realize how much of an impact I have upon people's lives.

So I'm going to keep on and I will try not hoping for my ex to come back into my life. I tried loving and sharing my life with him and just because it didn't work out this time, I'm not going to stop trying love again. I'm hurt and I didn't get what I hoped for this time around but I know one day I'll find what I've been looking for. I'll look back on all my heartache and past relationships and be happy I made the decisions to end certain relationships so that I could spend my life with my future partner. Whoever he is, he's out there right now living his life and he's getting his life ready for me, just like I'm getting mine ready for him.

I'll be staying busy and from now on if someone wants to make plans with me; I'm going to take them up on it. I'm not going to wait in limbo anymore. I'm just going to get out there and live my life as full as possible.

Single Again

So I did it again, I ended a relationship....or as Dane Cook would say, "relationSHIT!" I placed my heart out there to get it trampled, disappointed and rejected. I invested all my thoughts and hopes into a man whom wasn't that into me. I can handle the truth...not everyone in this world is going to fall in love with me. After months of trying to make this man want me; I was burned out, pissed, ready to drink, waiting on his phone calls, placing my friends second best and so caught up in this man that I started to lose focus of ME. I literally was attached to my phone and would jump every time in rang in hopes that it was him calling and if it wasn't I was disappointed....women why do we do this to ourselves?

After months of this rejection game with him, I started to feel insecure about myself and I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't study for my exams, get a good night's sleep and found myself to be teeter tottering if I wanted to be in this relationship....however I couldn't end things because I held onto hope. Hope that one day he would change. Change....ha....I know men don't change but why do we lie to ourselves and assume they will?

Well my inner voice was always telling me the truth and this past week I finally started to listen to it and it told me, "get out!"

For some reason after breaking up with a man, I always feel like the rapture has occurred and I've been left here on earth alone. I have a moment of panic, where I can feel the world completely stop and I think I've made the worst decision ever. I'll be depressed for a day and replay all the good moments and think I made the wrong decision. However, what gives me strength to move on is that I've made a decision.

Making a decision is actually the key part to finding yourself....because for months I was making excuses in response to what my inner voice was saying. Over the past three days of being single I've been down and at times I've cried, but I'll tell you the greatest feeling is knowing that I made a decision that was true to myself.