Where is my niche?

So it has been 5 weeks since I graduated and about four months of career searching; I'm starting to feel like a failure. As the days go bye I feel less and less sure of where things are going. I know I have the rest of my life to work full-time so I shouldn't rush into anything, but right now finding a full-time job would be amazing.

It would allow for me to know where I should relocate in the next 5 weeks (my lease is up Aug. 15), allow for me to know if my honey and I have a future together in Dane County, some money to plan a little vacation, and fill my day with productivity.

All I need to do is find a niche...some place I can grow and develope into a career leader.

Unemployment Depression

What is this? Am I suffering from unemployment depression? I find myself sleeping often and waking up every half an hour to the thought of "oh shit I don't have a job" or "oh no, I don't know where my life is going," or this one, "fuck my life!"

So I've graduated without a full-time job. I thought this whole go to college and start a career was going to be a little easier. Especially because I applied myself during school with internships, jobs, student organizations and volunteer opportunities.

I have an education, a resume which no employer seems to care to look at until during our interview, experience in a variety of marketing areas, two part-time jobs, an unpaid internship in the capitol and an apartment lease which is about to end in two months.

Where is my life going? God help me.

Appreciating the Small Things

The smell of fresh cut grass
cherry blossoms flying into my hair
dandelions between my toes
a cool breeze brushing my bangs across my cheek
a clear blue sky with a blinding sun
time to enjoy a beautiful spring afternoon in solitude
dipping my feet into the cold lake
sitting on a bench taking in the view
finding comfort and meditation from the sun's rays

A few things that allow for me to love where I am at in life and the greatest thing: they're free

One Flaw of Women

Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left..
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you..

The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.

Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Secret to a Happy Life

I might not have much at the age of 23, but what I do have is happiness. 

I was thinking lately about money and the future and I came to realize that money only makes life more complicated. So I was thinking, why am I so happy right now? And what I realized is people should come up with a list of 5 things that make them happy. Then remind yourself that this is really all you need, because the more stuff we acquire in our lives, the less time we have to spend doing the 5 things that make us happy. Below is my list:

1. God

2. Looking good (health and clothing)

3. running

4. Family and friends

5. drawing

So I'm going to keep these 5 things in perspective as I go on with life.

Love Today, Don't Wait For Tomorrow

I've learned many important lessons over the past weekend, all which have to do with love. This past weekend someone in my family attempted to commit suicide.

I was extremely scared and shocked about this situation. I didn't know how to make sense of the news. I felt some guilt wondering if I had contributed to this person's decision to end his life. Here are some lessons that I have learned:

1. Express your love for those you care for each day, for tomorrow is never guaranteed

2. The Lord's strength can make your weaknesses stronger

3. When life is hard, family is all that matters

4. That I can unconditionally love no matter what the situation

5. People have secrets and fears, let those you love know they can be open and honest with you

6. Your intuition is almost always right

7. Life is not all blue skies and smiles

8. During times of grief their are moments of laughter

I've gone through hell this past weekend, but I wasn't alone. My immediate family was there too. We were there together and will be stronger because of this situation as a family.

Blog Drive Low...Need to Blog

My life has become extremely busy; to the point that I've abandoned my blog :(. Well instead of thinking about wanting to blog, I'm forcing myself to do it.

I am currently working 4 jobs and have one huge research paper to get on. When I'm not working, sleeping or eating I can be found staring at a computer screen job hunting like a mad woman. My evening tomorrow will be spent in my Memorial Union office writing coverletters and imagining if I fit the short paragraph description for certain positions.

I recently started working in the capitol for a Democratic representative, Andy Jorgensen, as an intern. The position is unpaid but shaping up to be a great opportunity to get some writing experience and zap me back into the political scene.

Well I'm off to work. It feels good to be back in touch with my blog. This blog helps me to continue being "me focused."

"Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man"

I'm sure you've wondered what men think about love, relationships, intimacy and commitment. I have, and was recently given a highly recommended book "Act Like a Lady, Think Like A Man" by Steve Harvey from my dear mother. She encouraged me to read it so that I could better understand the MEN in my life. I took her advice and I'd love to share some insight with you about the opposite sex we ladies can't seem to understand or live without!

I first need to say and admit that men are simple and women are complicated. All they need is support, love and sex. So keep this in mind as you read the insight I received from the book.

Men show love differently than women. They aren't as mushy, emotional, romantic, complimentary, passionate, nurturing or hoping for a scene out of "The Notebook" or "P.S. I love you;" like we are. In reality a man shows his love in three ways by Professing, Providing and Protecting. If he isn't doing these three things for you, then he definitely isn't thinking long term and you should drop him! If a man wants to be yours, he's willing to tell anybody and everybody about you (profess). Once a man has professed or claimed you he will want to make sure you are cared for (provide). "Society has told us men for millennium that our primary function is to make sure our families are set- whether we're alive or dead (25)." Thirdly he will stand by you and will do his best to make sure nothing bad happens to you (protect).

A man has to have three things accomplished before he can be the man you need or want in your life. Until a man has accomplished these things or is at least on the track to accomplishing them he won't be able to adequately fulfill your needs of attention and satisfaction. Majority of his attention will be going to focus in upon himself, not you or the future of your relationship...that will drive you nuts.

Men at a young age are primed to pursue "manhood." They are constantly in pursuit of becoming a man. As a man matures he needs to accomplish knowing "who he is, what he does and how much he makes." Until then he will not be able to be the complete package a woman wants or needs in her life because he hasn't yet accomplished the foundation for what his whole life has been made to focus upon.

So the take away from this book is to understand that you won't be able to get the kind of relationship a woman feels she deserves with a man until that man has reached his level of "manhood" by his own definition. So ladies don't waste your time trying to change men who are trying to work on attaining their "manhood." It will only cause you to be frustrated and dissatisfied. Let the man develop on his own and in the mean time go find a man who is ready to have a good woman in his life, because that is what you need and want.

Reject Me and Strengthen Me

3 pointless e-mails and two rejection letters from Kerry and Environment America...how much more rejection can a girl take? So I didn't get either job, I also didn't get two others. I'm feeling a little salty and disappointed but I know that I did all that I could to have received employment. I'm not taking these rejections as a personal set back, if anything it's a step forward because I'm learning the lesson of rejection. I'm going to accept that I didn't get the job and continue the job hunt game. I know the skills and qualifications I have to offer a company and I will find employment.

My biggest fear right now is that I won't have a job in my chosen field after graduation. With 39 days until graduation and 39 days left of insurance, I'm starting to feel a little pressure upon my shoulders. How can I enjoy my graduation when I don't have a job lined up afterward in which I can apply my education to?

So I guess it's more cover letters and resumes being placed out there. Otherwise time to be an entrepreneur and start my own agency. Maybe recruit other J-schoolers who are having difficulty finding a career and start our own business. It might just work and we might be able to finagle some free P.R.

So when rejection comes in your life, learn from it and realize you've learned an important lesson. Not everything is going to go the way you plan it or hope for, but what's great about rejection is that when you're not rejected you have a greater appreciation. That can be applied to all things in life and it can also be used in an interview as a good example of something not going your way :).

There is Always a Flipside

There are always pros and cons to living the single life or living the relationship life. After a short conversation with a sophomore classmate today, I concluded to myself that if I could do my undergraduate years over again I would have been single and dated more. And that was the exact advice I gave her.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very content being in a relationship again, but there are just somethings people need to experience and get out of their systems while they are young. Below you will find the pros and cons to both lifestyles. Unfortunately you can't have both, but it's very good to have experienced both. Because like many say, "You have to experience the sour, to appreciate the sweet."

SINGLE LIFESTYLE

Cons:

1. Being the third or fifth wheel when hanging out with your pals gets really old fast

2. Love movies make you feel like a complete failure in life

3. Masturbation can only get you through for so long

4. The only potential mates you come to find are already in relationships or married

5. Awkward bad dates

6. People who just don't understand that you're just not that into them and then having to make up weird excuses as to why you don't want to hangout

Pros:

1. Drunken make-out sessions with bar hotties are always fun

2. You don't have to buy groceries for a week because if you schedule three dates with three people-the leftovers of steak, seafood and that exotic Ty restaurant will get you through

3. You're not responsible for someone else's feelings and emotions

4. You can flirt and flaunt yourself around town

5. If you are a woman all drinks are free when going out to bar

6. An unknown incoming phone call brings delight and mystery

7. Dating can be lots of fun

8. Through dating you learn what you want and don't want in a partner

RELATIONSHIP LIFESTYLE

Cons:

1. When you're taken everyone you ever wanted wants you, but you can't do anything about it

2. You have to be responsible for someone else's feeling and emotions

3. Arguments over things you just don't quite understand

4. Your partner doesn't try as hard to make you feel special or to look good for you

Pros:

1. Foreplay and sex are accessible, and can be taken to new levels

2. Snuggle sessions and sleepovers

3. You have someone you can confide in about everything

4. The feeling of not being alone

5. The feeling of being in love

6. Being able to place your guard down and just be yourself

7. Your family doesn't think you are gay anymore

Goodbye College, Hello Career

I just browsed over my trusty planner and to my amazement I only have 48 days until graduation...wowza this semester has flown bye. So I've got a month and a half to find a full-time job. I feel that the prospect of working for Kerry Ingredients and Flavours is very high, however I don't have the job in the bag yet....so I'll wait on doing my happy dance. I've interviewed with three people, love the location, building, company and feel that this position is the perfect match for my qualifications.

I've got everything in my life in order right up until May 31. I'll be coming back from my Florida vacation on the 31 to hopefully begin my career on June 1!

Off the Market

Yup, that title line is correct. I'm in a relationship and I couldn't be any happier to have the love of my life by my side. My friend Katrina said to me yesterday, "It's not official until you change your status on Facebook." Well I made the change today for the world to see.

I love my partner very much and I'm so thankful for each moment I have to share with him. We were together for three years and then were broken up on good terms for one. This past year I and him needed to experience certain things without one another. By the grace of God our love persevered over distance and time. We have both grown into being better partners and people as a whole.

I'm so excited for our future, however I'm still very excited about my own future. Even though I am in a relationship I plan to never lose sight of who I am and will continue to peruse my own interests. I've made the mistake far to many times in the past of converging my life with my partners, so much that I can't function properly on my own.

I have confidence that our relationship will work in the long haul, because I don't feel any anxiety, worry or fear. I completely trust my partner and have some of the greatest times with him. Last night we giggled non stop for an hour....it felt like a moment straight out of a movie theater scene.

I miss him when we are apart, but I don't have that over the top worry because we always stay connected to one another through our ability to communicate.

It's so unexpected to be in love again, but I couldn't have it any other way. It's nice to show him my love and feel his affection.

Stop, Pause and Capture a Moment

Oh there are random moments that I simply stop the hustle and bustle of my busy life...stand still, look around, breath, and capture the moment as if I have an internal camera. I take these life images and save them for my future. For I know one day, these are the days I'm going to miss, these are the days that I will wish to live again.

I take in the Madison city smell, feel the cool breeze brush my hair across my cheek, admire people who pass smiling, watch as the leaves and garbage glide across the sidewalk, listen to the small birds sing, notice how the clouds transform before my eyes and just watch life happen.

I don't only take in beautiful moments, I capture stressful moments when things seem to be troubling my young mind. A good example of this was two weeks ago I was up late studying for my "Political Science of Human Rights" exam and I looked up from my 13 page study guide at 1:00 am. My attention from cramming for four hours started to take a toll on my ability to focus. I looked around my apartment from the comfort of my bed. I surveyed my belongings, the way the layers of paint collect in the corners of the upholstery, the way the small light next to my bed cast shadows along the walls, and I smiled. I was proud of my life and exactly how it is. I might not have much, but what I do have I'm fortunate to have. I might not have money, the coolest gadgets, and an accumulating amount of credit card debt, but it's okay. I know one day I'll be beyond this point in my life. But I know deep down when I'm creating the next chapter in my life, I'll always miss this cozy inadequate at times college student lifestyle. I simply love my life and when I capture simple moments...I realize how great it is. I hope to one day look back upon my internal photo album and feel joy.

So as they say, "take sometime to smell the roses" it will allow for you to appreciate where you are and where you have been.

My Youth Dissapearing

I've felt a little different lately, this something actually started to occur over the past two years but sprang on quickly since mid December. In mid December I had a huge drunken argument with my sister. I woke up the next morning with an epiphany that it was time for me to grow up and start making mature decisions.

I'm 23 years-old, about to graduate from college and about to enter into the working world. I'm going to be the young face in the office on the bottom of the totem pole but I hope to be taken seriously in my work environment.

Any who, I know that no matter how old I am or how much responsibility is placed upon my shoulders I'll always hold onto my playful side and live for discovering interesting things in this fascinating world.

Spring Break

Oh it's that time of the year again....a week off from my studies, mornings to sleep in, time to relax and catch up with family and friends. So nice yet this is my last spring break. Soon enough I'll be in the working world and fabulous periods off from work each season will be nonexsistent. I'll be looking forward to Fridays each week, and those lousy two weeks of vacation and 3 sick days...yikes! I'm going to just take in each of the last days I have as a college student and appreciate where I am at right now in life.

Some things I'm going to get accomplished this break:
-set up two more job interviews for the month of March
-have my graduation photos taken by my amazing cousin
-spend time with my Mom, Dad, sister and brother
-return to the gym, now that my health has returned
-prepare myself for my job interview with Kerry Ingredients and Flavours...so excited

Living 4 Today vs. Living 4 Tomorrow

I swear time speeds up the older we get. I believe it's due to our fast-paced American culture. We have so many time commitments, things expected of us, material items we have to own, that we fill our busy Blackberries and calendars and lose slight of the present.

Sometimes I find myself to be so focused on the future, that I begin to worry about it, which leads to me being stressed out in the present moment.

When we worry about what may or may not occur in the future, we miss the joy that is available today. It's a paradox. How does one balance living in the now with preparing responsibly for the future?

Planning for the future is fully compatible with living joyfully today. The other aspect of preparing for the future is accepting that things will probably not turn out the way we plan. Creating this acceptance of life's uncertainties is much more challenging than formulating and following through on plans.The source of most worry is a lack of acceptance of the uncertainties of the future. When one fully lives a life of acceptance, life's vagaries are not merely tolerated, but are enjoyed because they are life's gifts.

The recipe for a joyful life is planning and preparing for the future, while simultaneously accepting that you hold virtually no control over future events. By placing no demands on the future, you can enjoy whatever life brings.

My faith has predominantly helped me to deal with my worry. I know that God loves me and has a plan for my life. My faith allows for me to not worry, because his plan will be revealed over time.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." - Buddha

Simple Life, Simple Pleasures

It's Friday night and I'm exactly where I want to be...home. My hair in a pony-tail, minimal make-up, comfy clothes and I'm about to plunk myself into the bath tub. I've been enjoying life at a slower pace over the past 2 months. This slow pace was originally brought on by my poor health condition but now I really like being alone. It's nice to stay clear from the hustle and bustle of the bars, noisy parties, dumb drunk men and catty women. I think I've done a lot of growing up over the past two months.

Making time for myself has been great...I've found myself again. I listen to my body and I do what I want to do. I give myself time to understand this complexed world and I've been figuring out where life is going.

I'm a bath kind of gal...my bath to shower ratio is 6:1/week. I find the hour soaking in the tub to be my favorite place to unravel my mind. It's time that I shut the outside world off and I just relax. I think about life and I reflect upon memories, highlights/low lights of the day, future hopes and organize my thoughts or things I want to accomplish in the following week. It's so nice to just take my time...shave my legs, scrub up, dissipate under the warm water and listen to my heart beat.

Take sometime to get better aquainted with your mind and body by spending an hour in a hot bath of water. Light some candles, put on a soothing song and meditate.

Treat Yourself

If you want something, work for it and buy it. There are three gifts that I have always associated should come from men: 1. diamonds 2. flowers 3. lingerie.

Well yesterday I had the urge to buy something sexy from Victoria's Secret and I did just that. I bought myself one of the sexiest outfits I've ever seen myself in and I have no one to wear it for....and that is ok with me. I mean yes there are men I could wear it for, but I actually bought this for me. It's something I can wear when I'm out to give me that extra boost of sexy confidence. And it's something I can dance around in at my apartment when I have "Crazy Bitch" blaring from my stereo and the the blinds shut.

The Types of Men To Stay Away From

1. The Lonely Guy

Characteristics: Sweet, romantic (though typically not great in the dancing department), loves planning outings, and thinks that the sun rises and sets right on you.
Why You'll Be Tempted: He's the sensitive guy who everyone says just needs a chance, plus he'll do anything for you.
Why You Should Run: He really will do anything for you, which can be very, very scary and the words “I love you” slip from his mouth on the second date.
Danger Sign: He not-so-casually remarks: "Since my other friends are married now, I'm really looking for someone to fill my evenings with." (Translation: "Please, please save me from my horrible crushing solitude.")
What to Say to Scare Him Away: "I love spending time alone."

2. The Mama's Boy

Characteristics: Sweet, but soft: he may have a bit of a belly from mom's home-cooked meals, and/or he may actually live at home.
Why You'll Be Tempted: He'll watch chick flicks with you.
Why You Should Run: He's actually already seen them all.
Danger Signs: He tells you you're the woman his mom's always dreamed of, and brings her along on your first date.
What to Say to Scare Him Away: "I tend to prefer guys who pick out their clothes themselves."

3. The Jock

Characteristics: Hunky, tough, always up for a spontaneous game of football, able to carry off a backwards baseball cap and seems to always have something manly going on.
Why You'll Be Tempted: Those muscles.
Why You Should Run: All the hours he spends at the gym bulking up those muscles, not to mention the hours spent gazing at his reflection in the mirror, in store windows, on the back of his spoon...he’ll never be able to give you the attention you need.
Danger Signs: He watches sports on TV constantly, even during sex.
What to Say to Scare Him Away: "The [insert local sports team here] stink."

4. The Womanizer

Characteristics: Whether he's traditionally handsome or a diamond in the rough, there's just something about this guy that makes you swoon. And he treats women like gold because he loves them -- all of them -- so much.
Why You'll Be Tempted: He knows how to compliment, woo, and touch to thrill -- especially thrill.
Why You Should Run: He uses the same routine on every woman he meets.
Danger Sign: He blanks on your name while you're both naked (it's tough to keep all those women straight).
What to Say to Scare Him Away: Two words: "Monica Lewinsky”

5. Mr. Not-So-Straight
Characteristics: Stunning good looks, dashing dresser, hip on the pop culture front, and refreshingly keen on shopping with you.
Why You'll Be Tempted: He really "gets" you.
Why You Should Run: You deserve more than a partner to watch "Will and Grace" with.
Danger Sign: When you both catch yourselves watching the Bachelor with equal enthusiasm and tears
What to Say to Scare Him Away: "My dad would love to take you hunting."

6. The Workaholic

Characteristics: High-profile business man: smart, ambitious, impeccably dressed, and completely unavailable (unless you're a CEO negotiating a corporate takeover).
Why You'll Be Tempted: He's dapper, charming, and successful. What's not to love?
Why You Should Run: See the "completely unavailable" part above.
Danger Sign: You start calling his office just to talk to his assistant -- since you've become so close over the phone.
What to Say to Scare Him Away: "Love those Democrats. I'd vote for Clinton again if I could."

7. The "Feminist"

Characteristics: Passionate, loves to talk (especially about politics), employed by a non-profit organization, vegan, owns several hemp bags, shirts, and wallets.
Why You'll Be Tempted: His passion for women's issues suggests he will be nothing short of enraptured by you -- a real-live woman. (Bonus: He never watches sports.)
Why You Should Run: While you're certainly no damsel in distress, it would be nice to have a guy do one of the following (all of which are strictly against his beliefs): Open a door, pay for dinner, send you flowers, or simply pick you up in his Volkswagon Bug for your date.
Danger Sign: He spells women with a "y."
What to Say to Scare Him Away: "What I'm really looking for is someone to support me -- in style."

8. The Trendoid

Characteristics: Well-dressed and confident, he knows the latest fashion trends -- even better than you do!
Why You'll Be Tempted: Flat-front chinos, slick turtlenecks, fashionable belts, cool shoes...what more could you ask for in a man?
Why You Should Run: His wardrobe will make yours look pathetic by comparison.
Danger Sign: He'd rather shop at Prada than have sex.
What to Say to Scare Him Away: "Dolce who?”

Don't Quite Get Acceptance Concept

Those who love you want the best for you, right? Well I and the man I have been dating have been trying to work out the kinks in our relationship over the past two months, but the one thing that keeps him at a distance is him thinking that I don't understand the concept of ACCEPTANCE.

This concept doesn't quite make sense to me, because I think people should want to please those they love..which means they should want to do certain actions. I'm not meaning that a person needs to change who they are, just try to show certain actions.

The definition of acceptance according to the Webster's Dictionary: " to endure without protest or reaction." Meaning that you perceive reality (situations, people, things) in your life accurately for what they are and not what you expect or want from them. This way you don't get disappointed or frustrated. True acceptance means realizing you can't control things or people so you just take them for what they are and happy with what you get.

Well I think my problem is that I understand that these people have the capability to change or do this action and I feel that I'm entitled to it due to the relationship between them and I. So why aren't they doing what I would like? And because they don't' do these actions I hold a slight resentment toward them which hinders my ability to have a strong relationship with them. Well In my mind if they would only do these actions they could have a strong relationship with me.

So I'm set out this afternoon to research the Internet in search of understanding this concept that is to bring me complete happiness.

Getting disappointed in some people's actions or lack of it is part of being human, isn't it? Like for example I accept that my father doesn't like to give out money, however I do still get upset that he doesn't mail me a birthday card with money or offer to help me out while I struggle through college. I have gotten upset with men I've dated because they refuse to show affection in the form oh how I believe a boyfriend should show to his girlfriend. These are the only two situations I can think of that I've gotten upset about someones lack of action because I can't change them. I hope for these actions from these people because I perceive my expectations from them to be standard. They are expectations that are culturally accepted...a father caring for his family (financially and emotionally) or a boyfriend rubbing his girlfriends shoulders or feet to reduce her stress. These are actions of love that show to me that they care for me and want me to be happy.

I understand the ability to just appreciate things for what they are and not hope for more will lead to happiness. So where do I go from here, how can I implement acceptance into my life? How do I give up what I feel I deserve? How do I reduce my expectation of how I feel love should be shown to me? I'm a little lost to be honest.

From http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/06/self-discipline-acceptance/ about acceptance. "This may sound simple and obvious, but in practice it’s extremely difficult. If you experience chronic difficulties in a particular area of your life, there’s a strong chance that the root of the problem is a failure to accept reality as it is.

From a blog http://rexiemh.blogspot.com/2006/09/acceptance-prayer.html "My prayer for the day....it has come to my attention yet again that I am trying to control things that are beyond my control. I need to accept that I have certain things in my life that have the appearance of being things I can change when in reality they are things I cannot change. By continually trying to change that which I cannot I am being selfish and not of maximum service to God and those around me. So for today I will pray this prayer and pick up the tools that have been given me to deal with those things.....thanks to those who love me enough to help me see this blind spot and have so compassionately guided me on this journey."