Found Someone Special

I have been feeling like I am on top of the world. My cell phone seems to ring constantly, my Facebook is filled with the latest gossip, my free time seems to be filled with endless opportunities, my pocketbook actually contains green matter, my wardrobe has grown and I've met someone who really makes me feel beautiful and cared for. 

I didn't expect to put out the old flames from my past two relationships so quickly, but I found a new flame and I can't wait for it to become a bonfire. Last night, we made our relationship 'official'. I'm really excited about him and what the future has in-store for us. It feels so good to be affectionate and feel affection in return. At times I feel so spoiled by his attention. I can only hope that he feels as cared for as he makes me. So to good things ahead for me...we shall see.

4 Wheels and the Open Road

Today, I bought a car! I purchased a 2002 Toyota Corolla and I'm proud of that little car. It  might not be much to look at, but it's all mine. I could have spent a lot of money on a vehicle that would have been flashy, sexy and costly...but why make my life more complicated?

I'm new to the "real world." Why barley be able to make it, when I have the capability to be making it and not missing out on the world because of costly car insurance and a car payment. I'll have my day to shine in a beautiful car, when I can afford it. In the mean time, I have four wheels and the open road; now I'm starting to feel freedom.

Directing My Powers

I have been carrying a quote with me everyday since my first day of work, and I think I just need to share it with the world.

"The man who succeeds above his fellows is the one who early in life clearly discerns his object, and towards that object habitually directs his powers."-By Earl Nightingdale

This line made me think a lot about how I've made some sacrifices over the course of my young adult life and, now thanks to them, I'm starting to see the object of my desired lifestyle unfolding before my eyes. I still have a long road ahead of me until I reach my object of "success" in life, but I'm heading in the right direction. I am starting to feel that I'm living my happy ever after and I am alone. It's a great feeling finding happiness within myself. 

First Day in the 'Real World'

So today was my first day of full-time work. Well I don't really know if considering orientation real 'work', but it was my first day in the 'real world'! I work in a building with a thousand employees and the larger corporate office has over 4,000! Majority of the people in my team are older women...so a perk to the job is I don't have to spend an hour each morning getting cute.

In addition to starting my new job, I've been car hunting like a mad woman. I'm so committed to finding the right car that I took an early evening run and stopped at the car dealership downtown tonight. I'm sure that car salesman was caught off guard by a sweaty, fit, redhead excited to purchase her first car from a dealership. I'll be returning tomorrow to test drive some of those potential automobiles.

So life is good for me and the good Lord is shining down on me. Sweet dreams world.

Letting Go

Being alone is at times challenging and hard. My logical side of the brain tells me to be alone, yet my emotional side has a deep longing to love and be loved. I know that I just need to be patient; not fill my loneliness void with someone who will not meet my standards or only make life more complexed.

 I never wanted to admit it, but I have never let go of my ex before my most recent ex. Not letting go of him has impinged upon my ability to love my most recent ex. This man has recently reached out to me, yet I don't know what his intentions are.  It makes my life uneasy and gives me a false sense of hope. Below is a poem I wrote tonight. I need to let him go, so I can remain in control of my emotional state and see new opportunity when it happens in the future.

Because I Believe In Me

By: Mary Jean Ruhnke

You weren’t good for me, but why do I miss you?

Why do I let you haunt my dreams,

Cross my mind during times I should focus,

Weaken my independence,

Damage my self-determination,

Leave me blind to new opportunity

?

My heart wants to chase you

My hands want to touch you

My mind wants to know you

But I can’t

I shouldn’t

I won’t go back

Back to someone who left me wondering

Back to something that made me anxious

Back to a place that left me unhappy

Because I’ve learned to love myself first,

Because I know what I want

Because I still believe in fairytale love

I love myself enough to know that no matter how bad I want you,

You’ll never be able to love me the way I desire.

I need to let you go,

Erase you from my mind,

Not respond to your subtle pathetic bursts for attention

Move on and remind myself why I left you

because you are not good for me

and I will one day find a man who will love and cherish me

A Step in the Right Direction

We all have to get our feet wet somewhere and I've finally found a puddle to jump in. Today I was offered a job with Kohl's Corporate Headquarters and I took it. The position isn't my ideal position, but a step in the right direction. I'll be able to continue enhancing my writing skills and hopefully in due time move up that Kohl's ladder. If not, I'll keep my eyes open to other job opportunities.

Not too long ago I was playing 'The Game of Life' with my brother and his girlfriend, when it occurred to me that I'm only 11 spaces into the game out of the 150. It seems that the next 50 spaces in life have the most stops and changes. Then the 89 after that fly by so quick that before you know it your plastic car is loaded with kids, the 'Life'chips have run out, and retiring at Millionaire Estates becomes less realistic. I'm looking forward to the bumps along the road and I'm okay with retiring at Countryside Acres.

Traveling My Own Path

September 9, 2009 I find myself single and at the keyboard typing out my thoughts...oh no this can not be good. Actually, I am handling things pretty well for it only being the first two hours of independence. It doesn't really matter why or how the break-up happened. What matters is that I've had an amazing man in my life and we are still good friends who realize it just might not be meant to be.

I can now travel on my own path in life and make it what I want it to be. Maybe I'm getting a tougher heart, maybe I'm really happy about it, maybe I'm in shock, maybe my logic is stronger than my feelings; whatever it is it feels right to be alone right now. I'm happy things ended on good terms and that we both realized that our lives are going in two separate directions. However, that doesn't take away my feelings for him. As the Fray say, "I wish you were a stranger I could disengage."

So the path ahead of me looks uncertain, blurry, a little scary but I see sunshine through the fog and I know that in time things will be more certain and clear for me. On that thought, I can sleep well and I'll keep working hard to get where my life is heading.

Summer Cram

A slight chill in the air has returned and with it thoughts of autumn. It's the time of year when you don't have to fear the electric bill, where you can sleep with the windows open and try to cram everything you wanted to do over the summer months into the last few warm days.

Oh how this summer was a good one, but not the most memorable. So I'm going to make a list of things I wanted to do, but was either busy, lazy, lonely, or too poor to do and finish off this summer right.

-Milwaukee Zoo

-Road Trip

-A rock or country concert

-Do a triathlon

-Bonfire parties

-Old World Wisconsin

-Camping

-Visit the cabin up north and get freaked out by all the bugs

-More fishing

-Lay out underneath the stars

-More outdoor festivals

-Visit my dad and grandpa up north

-Go hiking

-Horseback riding

-6 Flags Great America

Writing My Story

Though my week has had a rough start, I had a great past weekend with my siblings. After a nice evening of Wii Fit and wine with my brother, Jason, I was inspired to write a book. He mentioned the idea to me after we discussed what I am planning to do with my chosen field of study in Journalism.

After some contemplation on the issue, I've decided to go for it. I'm unsure about what I want to write about, so I'm going to start by writing my own autobiography. I figure ideas for books and things will come as I reveal my life's story. I have nothing to lose, and figure I'll have something to leave behind for my family when I'm old, gray and dead.

An Off Week

Oh how this week has not been one of my finest. It seems that everyday something unexpected seems to throw my day out of whack. Today is the fourth day into the week and of course the fourth upsetting thing has happened today.

During this not so good week, the one thing that seems to be doing wonderful is my running routine. I'm jogging between 5 and 6 miles a day and can see dramatic definition in my legs and abdominals.

Living in Waukesha has been great, however the hopeful career start isn't looking up for me yet. I currently have been applying for about 2 jobs a day in addition to bartending and freelance writing.

The other day, I was training to waitress at my new job when it dawned on me that I should be the one being waited on during my lunch break not the other way. Urrr... it is so hard to put my pride aside.

So I'm trying to stay positive, realizing that a couple downers can make me appreciate life when it is great.

Moving On With It All

The move ahead for me is not just to another location, it's about moving on with my life.

After an amazing busy day, I find myself wide awake at 2:00 a.m. packing and organizing my belongings for the move to Waukesha. It was official today when I received a call from my new landlord that everything is ready for me to move in.

I received the call with joy while releasing a deep breath that held the last bit of hope I had to stay in Madison. I'm moving back into familiar territory, close to my childhood friends, family and two prospective employment areas.

Moving away from Madison means leaving things I love and cherish behind me. Like my favorite running trail, my small efficiency I call home, my college friends, the freedom to ride my bicycle without looking like a weirdo, restaurants that know my name, and most importantly my college love, Beau.

It's hard to leave my best friend and partner. It was actually the only thing that really kept me grounded to stay in Madison. After much contemplation and prayer I believe it's not in God's timing for us to be together right now in life. I have things I need to experience and so does he.

So I'm going to ride my life out and just let things be whatever they shall amount to.

Uncertainty is Certain

It's soon time for me to turn the page on this college chapter of my life and move on to the next. It seems that everyday a new opportunity comes my way and right now I feel excited and very uncertain.

Madison, Wisconsin has been an amazing community that has allowed for me to grow, learn, become independent, and my education has laid a foundation for me to spring into the world. The only thing is Madison won't be the area I spring into a career. I haven't landing a full-time job, so I will be moving back into my hometown area. I currently have a job as a freelance writer for the website http://www.townme.com/madison-wi which can travel with me. I am going to continue the job hunting game and live in a more affordable area with a roomie or two.

Now the living arrangement is where it all gets complicated. I have 5 options and all have pros and cons. So I'm giving it to God and looking forward to the future. I'm a little uneasy about change, but I know good things are ahead.

Anxious, Anger and Afraid the 3 A's to Avoid

My mom is my inner voice during times of need or change. Her words have not only echoed in my life, but in the lives of those who have seeked me for guidance. I've told many women this quote from my mother. It's something that has inspired me and allowed for me to make positive change.

"God doesn't want these 3 A's in your life: anxiousness, anger, and being afraid. If you feel either of these give it to God and realize that these are things that are not healthy and good for you."

So whenever I feel afraid, angry or anxious in a situation and I'm not in a stubborn mood :); I realize that this is not what God wants in my life and I make positive change.

Small Town Return

There is just something about small towns. They set my mind at ease and make me feel that my troubles are miles away. It's nice to take a mid-afternoon jog and reflect upon childhood memories that once seemed that they would never become tiny flashbacks in my young adult life.

Today I took in the fresh air from my hometown area, said "hello" to the people that I passed, admired parents playing with their children in the park and enjoyed catching up with a wonderful high school friend.

Returning to my hometown area reminds me of how good life was and still is. I realize that the once young rebellious child I was, has grown-up into becoming everything she knew she could be, but was afraid of becoming.

As a child, I never thought I'd grow up. Hours seemed like days and days felt like weeks and weeks nagged on as if they were years. Now I've reached the point where the opposite has occurred. My days slip bye me and become years so quickly and all I want is for today to last forever.

I love coming back to my hometown and being proud of who I am and where I've come from.

Where is my niche?

So it has been 5 weeks since I graduated and about four months of career searching; I'm starting to feel like a failure. As the days go bye I feel less and less sure of where things are going. I know I have the rest of my life to work full-time so I shouldn't rush into anything, but right now finding a full-time job would be amazing.

It would allow for me to know where I should relocate in the next 5 weeks (my lease is up Aug. 15), allow for me to know if my honey and I have a future together in Dane County, some money to plan a little vacation, and fill my day with productivity.

All I need to do is find a niche...some place I can grow and develope into a career leader.

Unemployment Depression

What is this? Am I suffering from unemployment depression? I find myself sleeping often and waking up every half an hour to the thought of "oh shit I don't have a job" or "oh no, I don't know where my life is going," or this one, "fuck my life!"

So I've graduated without a full-time job. I thought this whole go to college and start a career was going to be a little easier. Especially because I applied myself during school with internships, jobs, student organizations and volunteer opportunities.

I have an education, a resume which no employer seems to care to look at until during our interview, experience in a variety of marketing areas, two part-time jobs, an unpaid internship in the capitol and an apartment lease which is about to end in two months.

Where is my life going? God help me.

Appreciating the Small Things

The smell of fresh cut grass
cherry blossoms flying into my hair
dandelions between my toes
a cool breeze brushing my bangs across my cheek
a clear blue sky with a blinding sun
time to enjoy a beautiful spring afternoon in solitude
dipping my feet into the cold lake
sitting on a bench taking in the view
finding comfort and meditation from the sun's rays

A few things that allow for me to love where I am at in life and the greatest thing: they're free

One Flaw of Women

Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left..
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you..

The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.

Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Secret to a Happy Life

I might not have much at the age of 23, but what I do have is happiness. 

I was thinking lately about money and the future and I came to realize that money only makes life more complicated. So I was thinking, why am I so happy right now? And what I realized is people should come up with a list of 5 things that make them happy. Then remind yourself that this is really all you need, because the more stuff we acquire in our lives, the less time we have to spend doing the 5 things that make us happy. Below is my list:

1. God

2. Looking good (health and clothing)

3. running

4. Family and friends

5. drawing

So I'm going to keep these 5 things in perspective as I go on with life.

Love Today, Don't Wait For Tomorrow

I've learned many important lessons over the past weekend, all which have to do with love. This past weekend someone in my family attempted to commit suicide.

I was extremely scared and shocked about this situation. I didn't know how to make sense of the news. I felt some guilt wondering if I had contributed to this person's decision to end his life. Here are some lessons that I have learned:

1. Express your love for those you care for each day, for tomorrow is never guaranteed

2. The Lord's strength can make your weaknesses stronger

3. When life is hard, family is all that matters

4. That I can unconditionally love no matter what the situation

5. People have secrets and fears, let those you love know they can be open and honest with you

6. Your intuition is almost always right

7. Life is not all blue skies and smiles

8. During times of grief their are moments of laughter

I've gone through hell this past weekend, but I wasn't alone. My immediate family was there too. We were there together and will be stronger because of this situation as a family.